Chase Wexler…Mikey Day
Chip Lazar…Chris Redd
Kelly Huntman…Ego Nwodim
Karan Raniere…Kate McKinnon
Guff Burthardt… Aidy Bryant
Male voice: And now, the Stunt Performers Gill presents and “Epic Virtual Fight.”[Cut to Chase Wexler in his home]
Chase Wexler: I wish I could be back on set doing kick ass stunts with my friends. [ting] Wait a minute! We can do it from home! [does the karate] Ya! Ya![Chase Wexler head-butts on camera. Cut to Chip Lazar got hit by the head-butt.]
Chip Lazar: Argh! No way![Chip Lazar kicks on camera. Cut to Kelly Huntman’s bottle falls off her hand by Chip Lazar’s kick.]
Kelly Huntman: Oh, no. Not today!
Karan Raniere: Oh! [Karan Raniere falls off the stairs] You rotten kids![Karan Raniere takes off her shoe and throws it at the camera. Cut to the shoe hitting on Guff Burthardt’s butt. Her pants get torn.]
Guff Burthardt: Oh! My ass![Cut to the stunt performers]
Chase Wexler: Hi, we are stunt performers of America.
Chip Lazar: Just like you, we can’t wait to get back to work.
Kelly Huntman: We wanna be doing epic car chases.
Chase Wexler: Sick knife fights.
Chip Lazar: Karate and motorcycle jumps.
Karan Raniere: And our expertise is mostly falling down and getting hit in the crotch by kids.
Guff Burthardt: Yeah. We stunt double for villains and children’s comedy. So, I typically play the fat authoritative woman who people like to see get hurt real bad.
Karan Raniere: I’m usually getting tossed. You ever see a body going – [gesturing as if body’s flying] “Ah!” through the air and kids are cheering, that’s probably me.
Chase Wexler: We love what we do.
Kelly Huntman: And there’s all different kinds of stunts.
Chip Lazar: Nothing makes me happier than jumping through fire.
Kelly Huntman: Or leaping off a helicoptor.
Karan Raniere: Or getting kicked into a dumbster by a cow for the purposes of children’s comedy.
Guff Burthardt: Yeah. It’s been six months since I’ve been able to use my number one skill which is of course farting from being hit in the head.
Karan Raniere: And we’re from the old school. We’re not faking those farts.
Guff Burthardt: Yeah. No. I mean it helps the kids understand that we’re not actually being hurt. We are just being hit so hard that farts are coming out.
Chip Lazar: You might not know us but we help make some of your favorite movies. I drove the Maserati in “Furious 7”.
Kelly Huntman: I was an Amazon warrior in “Wonder Woman”.
Guff Burthardt: And I played ugly shher in “Cool Kid Library”. And also, evil lunch lady in Camp Bitch”.
Karan Raniere: And I was the star of “Nurse Wedgie”. In this one part, the– [laughing] the kids switched my hat for an octopus and then I stumbled face first into a toilet. Which was hard, coz then we had to go and shoot the scene.
Kelly Huntman: Gotta stay strong.
Chip Lazar: Gotta stay in shape.[Karan Raniere and Guff Burthardt are slapping each other’s butts]
Guff Burthardt: Yeah. Don’t wanna lose our ass calluses. One, two, three.
Karan Raniere: These stunts hurt. I’ve been bit in the vagina by a dog more times than I can count.
Guff Burthardt: Yeah. You know, and the dogs don’t understand that it’s pretend. So, if you want them to let go, you gotta cut their heads off.
Chase Wexler: So, everybody, please, wear your mask, stay home and hang in there, so we can do more of this.[Chase Wexler picks up an orange and throws it at the camera. Cut to Kelly Huntman catching the orange Chase Wexler just threw. Kelly Huntman then punches at the camera. Cut to Chip Lazar getting punched. Chip Lazar then kicks at camera. Cut to Guff Burthardt’s ass getting kicked.]
Guff Burthardt: Oh! You teems! [farts] [Cut to the dogs.] [Cut to Karan Raniere pretending to be bit by a stuffed animal dog.]
Karan Raniere: Oh!
Guff Burthardt: You dirty kids. Not my library, teens!
Male voice: The Stunt Performers Association of America. For more info on our cool or shameful stunts, call today.