Take Me Back

5
(3)

Keith… Beck Bennett

Cara… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Keith knocking the door]

Keith: Cara, please. Cara, please open the door.

[Cara opens the door]

Cara: I couldn’t have been more clear with you on the phone. I’m done with you, Keith.

Keith: I know. I know. And you should be done with that Keith. That Keith didn’t deserve you. But this Keith, the Keith I am now, he does. I’ve changed, baby. Take me back.

Cara: You’ve changed? How, Keith? How have you changed?

Keith: I quit drinking. I haven’t touched a drop in a month.

Cara: Really?

Keith: Yeah. It was hard but I did it for you.

Cara: I’m glad.

Keith: And no more cocaine.

Cara: What?

Keith: I know. I never thought I could keep that nose blown either, but you gave me strength.

Cara: Sorry. You did coke?

Keith: Just to help keep me off the booze for a couple of years before that too. But those days behind me. No alcohol. No cocaine. No pills. I’m a new man.

Cara: God, Keith! Pills too?

Keith: Yeah. It’s that same old story. You know? Go to the doctor because you’re in pain and they give you these pills to help. But–

Cara: You got hooked.

Keith: Exactly. The next thing I know, I’m taking a fistfuls of Valtrex just to get out of bed in the morning.

Cara: Valtrex is for herpes, Keith. Do you have herpes?

Keith: The old Keith did. But this Keith? Nah. He is good.

Cara: That’s not how herpes works. God! Now I probably have it too.

Keith: Oh baby. You know if you have the kind I have. Plus I always used protection when we were together.

Cara: You never wore a condom.

Keith: But I always had a gun.

Cara: A gun? I’m glad you’re getting your life together but we’re through.

Keith: How can you say that, baby?

Cara: You just told me you have herpes.

Keith: Had. Past tense, baby. Past.

Cara: No. No, no, no, no. I don’t even know why you want to get back together. Half the time we were dating, you were romantically checked out.

Keith: I know. But that’s because, and this is hard for me to say but I had got a little too into porn.

Cara: Wow. That explains a lot.

Keith: Yeah. It’s addictive. I mean it seems harmless at first but then next thing you know, you’re shooting two or three scenes a day and there’s nothing left in the tank when you get home.

Cara: I’m sorry. You were doing porn? Like, having sex with women on the internet?

Keith: What? No. Never.

Cara: Thank god.

Keith: Never women. But baby all that’s behind me now. I’m not that stupid boy I was back then. I’ve grown. I’m a man. I’m Keith8 now.

Cara: You’re Keith8 now?

Keith: Yeah. I’ve changed.

Cara: No. How old were you when we started dating?

Keith: Old enough to know I messed up.

Cara: Oh my god. I’m going to jail.

Keith: Baby, don’t worry about that. Even if the cops found out, I wouldn’t say anything.

Cara: Good. Because–

Keith: [pulls out his gun] I’ll do the hardware do the talking.

Cara: Jesus! Keith! Put that thing away.

Keith: You sound like all those people in the playground. “Put that thing away.”

Cara: You took a gun out in the playground?

Keith: Gun? No. Never a gun.

Cara: What the hell is wrong with you?

Keith: People at the playground said that too.

Cara: Keith!

Keith: Alright. I’ll go. But first, there’s something I should have done a long time ago.

[Keith gets to his knees]

Cara: Oh my god!

[Keith presses the button that’s on his home arrest device]

Keith: I have to press that every hour so they know I’m still wearing it.

Cara: Why do you have that, Keith?

Keith: Because of what I took out of the playground.

Cara: Right.

Keith: It was my penis.

Cara: Yeah. I got that, Keith.

Keith: Look. I know I’m not perfect but you are. And I can’t live my life without you, baby. So, please, take me back.

[Keith and Cara are looking at each other. But then police cars come in.]

Oh, crap! Could you just hand on to this for me for like, a day or two? [handing over all the guns, pills and drugs that Keith has on him to Cara] Thanks. You never saw me, okay? I wasn’t here. Love you.

[Keith runs away]

Cara: He loves me.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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