Kate McKinnon
Aidy Bryant
Admiral… Beck Bennett
Julian… John Mulaney
[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: And now we return to 1955’s “Say, Those Two Don’t Seem To Like Each Other.”
[Cut to Kate and Aidy grooming themselves in their house. It’s an old black and white video.]
Kate: Sister, you’re looking lovely in our dead mother’s pearl.
Aidy: Umm, and you’re looking lovely in our dead father’s pearls. Well, today is the day the admirals are coming to pick a wife.
Kate: Yeah. He’s never taken a wife before or even a single girlfriend.
Aidy: Yes. He’ll choose between us sisters.
Kate: Right. Whoever he finds the most sexually gorgeous.
Aidy: Hmm. Well sister, your hair is quite a mess. Why don’t you put on this hat? [giving hare a huge heavy anvil.]
Kate: Well, that’s an anvil.
Aidy: Oh, so it is. I thought it was a beret.
Kate: Um, sister, why don’t you sign your birthday card?
[Kate passes Aidy a card]
Aidy: Oh, well this is a suicide note.
Kate: Oh. Silly me. I thought you were turning ninety.
Aidy: [laughing] Sister, you’re looking chilly. Why don’t you put on this scarf? [Aidy passes Kate a big snake.]
Kate: That’s a boa constrictor.
Aidy: Oh! So it is. I thought it was a pashmina.
Kate: Sister, your breath. It’s half garbage here. Why don’t you pop this little mint?
[Kate passes Aidy a bomb]
Aidy: Oh! Well, that’s an actual bomb.
Kate: Oh, I wonder who du-du-du-du.
[door bell ringing]
Kate and Aidy: The admiral.
[Admiral walks in. He’s wearing his uniform.]
Admiral: Hm, hello ladies.
Kate: Um, yes, hello, Admiral. Now, which of us will be the object of your attraction?
Admiral: Hm, wow, what great options. This is going to be so hard.
[Julian walks in. He is wearing a sailor uniform.]
Julian: Oh, sisters. I’m back from war.
Admiral: Hello, sailor.
Aidy: Brother, you’re interrupting.
Kate: We’re seducing this man.
Julian: Oh, sisters. I ran all the way here from the pacific theater. I’m awful sweaty.
Admiral: [looking excited] How do you do?
Kate: Okay. Admiral, we’re sorry for the wretched intrusion from my pesky baby brother, Julina.
Aidy: Yes. But he wasn’t an admiral. He wasn’t an admiral like you. He was just a petty officer.
Julian: No, no. I got promoted.
Kate: Oh, really? To what?
Julian: Pass around party bottoms.
Admiral: Ha-da-du-da-daa!
Kate: [whispering to Aidy] Sister, I think the admiral is feeling something about Julian.
Aidy: Yes. I’m clocking it.
Julian: My! I’ve grown so much since the last time I was here. Let me measure myself against this wall. [Julian measures his height on the wall] I’m taller than I was here and here and even here. It looks like I got taller but I’m down for anything.
Admiral: No, boy!
Kate and Aidy: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Aidy: Admiral, we weren’t expecting our foppish brother today. Would you mind giving us a moment alone?
Admiral: Good idea.
[Admiral walks out.]
Aidy: [whispering to Kate] Sister, this is a disaster.
Kate: I know. When did our pesky little brother get gay hot?
Aidy: Well, he’s taking the admiral’s attention.
Kate: We need him to lust after us.
Aidy: Somehow, we have to make Julian less distracting.
Kate: Right. Right. I know. [calling out] Oh, Julian.
[Julian is eating a sausage]
Julian: Yes?
Kate: God! Put that down.
Aidy: Julian, um, bad news. The admiral says that you’re annoying.
Kate: Very annoying.
Julian: Oh, no! I don’t wanted admiral to think I’m annoying. I’ll just turn around and face the wall and hell forget that I’m here.
[Julian faces the wall bending over.]
Kate and Aidy: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Kate: That’s so annoying to look at.
Aidy: So annoying.
Julian: I know. I’ll hide myself behind the couch. Here, I’ll move it against the wall first. [while pushing the couch, he’s moaning.]
Kate: Oh, god! That’s annoying.
Aidy: Yes. That’s a nuisance for the admiral.
Julian: It’s so heavy. I’ll push down on it to help. [moaning] Take that. Yeah!
Aidy: Oh, holy hell.
Kate: No, I think I found that annoying.
Aidy: I know. I mean I’m basically half there.
Kate: Argh, we’ll never win.
Aidy: Okay, then what do we do? We’ll have to shoot him.
[Kate pulls out a tommy gun]
Kate: Yes. You’re right.
[Kate shoots at Julian. But the bullets only tears Julian’s clothes away.]
Kate and Aidy: No!
Kate: It’s a vest and shorts.
Aidy: That’s even cuter.
Kate: Oh! Calm sister. The admiral hasn’t picked yet!
Aidy: Yes, you’re right. It could definitely still be us.
[Admiral walks in]
All: The admiral.
Kate: Who will he choose?
Admiral: [pointing at Julian] The twink!
