Drew, Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman
Linda… Punkie Johnson
Tom Green… Alex Moffat
Billy Porter… Kenan Thompson
[starts with a show intro]
Male voice: There’s a new face in Daytime.
Drew: Hello to all my beautiful wild flowers.
Male voice: After seeing what went down with Ellen, we took a hard turn in the other direction.
Drew: I am just like you. A Bo-ho free spirit mommy mother movie star since I was six.
Male voice: It’s the Drew Barrymore show.
Drew: How do you do?
Male voice: Tune in to see her have a blast by herself in a big empty studio.
Drew: Holy, moly, oly.
Male voice: Watch as she connects to her Zoom audience.
Drew: Thank you for being my VFF. Virtual Friends Forever.
Male voice: Drew gives back to worthy families in the best way she can.
[Drew is talking to Linda via Zoom in her show]
Drew: How are you holding up?
Linda: You know, it’s been tough. My husband and I are working from home. And we have almost $50,000 in hospital bills.
Drew: I feel that, Linda. And that’s why we’re paying… to renovate your walk in closet! Yay!
Linda: My what?
Male voice: And don’t worry about her being mean to the crew. [Drew runs towards her cameraman to hug him, but he is trying to avoid her.] They say he maintains eye contact too long and is too emotionally supportive.
Drew: I’m a hugger.
Cameraman: No!
Drew: Okay.
Male voice: Be the third wheel in a celebrity catch up.
[Drew is on her show with Reese Witherspoon]
Drew: My best friend Reese Witherspoon, the best woman on earth.
Reese Witherspoon: Girl, you are literally a mom here.
Drew: I marvel at you.
Reese Witherspoon: I love you more than Oprah.
Drew: I love you.
Reese Witherspoon: I love you so much, I want to come into your room and murder you with a butter spoon.
Male voice: Get Drew’s take on the news.
Drew: Hot off the press, brushing your teeth is a game changer.
Male voice: And stay tuned for a harrowing catch up between Drew and her ex-husband Tom Green.
[Drew is on her show with Tom Green]
Drew: It’s been what? 15 years?
Tom Green: Yeah. Daddy, would you like some sausage?
Male voice: You want guests? Drew texts everyone in her phone and interviews whoever shows up. Like, Nicole Kidman.
[Drew is on her show with Nicole Kidman]
Drew: Thank you for for allowing me to be on your show.
Nicole Kidman: Drew, this is your show.
Drew: Oh my god. Thank you.
Male voice: At least someone’s enjoying 2020.
Drew: And now sensual homosexual Billy Porter singing to a flower.
[Cut to Billy Porter singing to a flower. He is wearing high heels.]
Billy Porter: [singing] Edelweiss
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Is this happening? Or am I kind of high?
Male voice: The Drew Barrymore show. You’re in your bed anyway. Just watch it!
