Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon
Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong
Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day
Eric Trump… Alex Moffat
Chris Matthews… Darrell Hammond
Kate McKinnon[Starts with “The Ingraham Angle” intro] [Cut to Laura Ingraham in her set]
Laura Ingraham: Good evening and welcome to the Ingraham angle. [cheers and applause] I am Laura Ingraham, the Joey Fatone of FOX News. Later in the program, walking silver alert, Joe Biden takes the lead on Super Tuesday. Bernie Sanders announced his running mate, the ghost of Fidel Castro. Then former candidate Elizabeth Warren will be joining us live via satellite… I don’t know, scold us for owning cars. But first, tonight’s main story, I don’t know why Coronavirus, the left continues to wage its deceitful dishonest and frankly gay smear campaign against president Trump. Here’s a video of some loco libs driving to hold foods to buy the last bottle of organic Purell.[Cut to a video clip of Vin Diesel flying a car from one building to another from the movie Fast and Furious Kate McKinnon.] [Cut back to Laura Ingraham]
It’s insane. The left is trying to whip people into a fear frenzy of lies which jus isn’t right. That’s our thing. Look, Coronavirus isn’t urban legend. And yes, I said urban as a dog whistle. The point is, you’ve got much bigger things to worry about. And to help you calm down, here’s a list of much bigger things to worry about. [a list appears on the screen]. You got women who keep their maiden names; Montessori schools; Mexican teenagers rehearsing dance for a quinceañera in public park; fat barbies; “What’s the maid saying?”; black marching bands, they’re too good; and Harry Styles??? What’s he doing? Who’s that for?
So, instead of wasting your money on $300 surgical masks, consider supporting my ever-thinning list of sponsors. Like, Deer Tanks. Let’s face it, shooting deer takes too long. Send Bamby to hell with Deer Tanks. And Indoor Horn. Not allowed to drive anymore? Now you can still honk and scream at people inside with Indoor Horn. And Word Searches with racial slurs in it. You didn’t say it. You just circled it.
For more on this liberal fan fiction that is the Coronavirus, we go to judge, Jeanine Pirro.[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham and Jeanine Pirro]
Jeanine Pirro: Get rid of me’.
Laura Ingraham: Get rid of who?
Jeanine Pirro: Whoever.
Laura Ingraham: Okay. Thanks for joining us, Jeanine. Shouldn’t our viewers be doing anything to prepare for Coronavirus?
Jeanine Pirro: Hell, no. Americans are not at risk. Especially not our viewers who skew elderly are in bad health, live cloister together in homes specifically for sick people and have smoked their entire lives.
Laura Ingraham: Sounds like you’re not too worried.
Jeanine Pirro: Not one bit, Laura. So, don’t get it twisted. If you see me avoiding Chinese restaurants, it’s not coz I’m scared. It’s because I don’t trust the Chinese. A fortune cookie once told me to lower my voice and I’ve never looked back.
Laura Ingraham: Alright. Well, stay safe out there, Jeanine.
Jeanine Pirro: No need. [Jeanine Pirro shows a glass of martini] Alcohol is a disinfectant, so mama’s gonna live for ever. [Jeanine Pirro drinks the martini]
Laura Ingraham: Well, thank you for that excellent report. [Cut to Laura Ingraham] We go now to the men in the inside, Don Jr. and Eric Trump.[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump]
Donald Trump Jr.: Hi, Laura. Did you get my valentine?
Laura Ingraham: Pass. Now, what can you tell us about the president’s response to the virus?
Donald Trump Jr.: Laura, [Eric Trump is copying everything that Donald Trump Jr. is doing] our father has everything under control. You know, democrats would love for people to get sick so they can use it to their advantage. Like, how we give Eric raw chicken so he misses important meetings.
Eric Trump: Ha-ha. I love my pink nuggets.
Donald Trump Jr.: That’s great, buddy. Laura, the libs think they can spin this to hurt our father. But if there’s anything my dad’s on top of it’s–
Eric Trump: The toilet.
Donald Trump Jr.: No. It’s this crisis. You don’t have to give answers, buddy. I got it. Look, the fact of matter is Americans are perfectly safe. It’s like our dad always says–
Eric Trump: The N word?
Donald Trump Jr.: No. No. Only during songs, buddy.
Eric Trump: Okay.
Donald Trump Jr.: Didn’t we bring you a toy or something you can play with?
Eric Trump: Ya-hah. My beepy toy.
Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. Eric, that’s a thermometer. It only beeps if you have fe–[Eric Trump puts the thermometer in his mouth and it starts beeping. Donald Trump Jr. checks the thermometer.]
Eric Trump: Yes!
Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, where did you get this?
Eric Trump: The park.
Donald Trump Jr.: We gotta go, Laura.
Laura Ingraham: Alright. Thanks for joining us.
Eric Trump: I’m a father.[Cut to Laura Ingraham]
Laura Ingraham: Great. Now, first off, getting the vegan leather boot at MSNBC for the high crime of giving a girl a compliment, I’d like to welcome our newest FOX News anchor, Chris Matthews.[Chris Matthews is sitting in the set with Laura Ingraham] [cheers and applause]
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball.” I’m Chris Matthews. Tonight, my guest is Laura, a spooky blonde lady who lies to the elderly. Hah!
Laura Ingraham: Chris, no, you’re on my show.
Chris Matthews: Oh, I forgot. Force of habit. Maybe I’ll get in trouble for saying this. You look great.
Laura Ingraham: Chris, you can say whatever you want. It’s FOX.
Chris Matthews: Oh, my god. This place is amazing. Everyone here is hot, crazy or both.
Laura Ingraham: Yeah. Now, you resigned after recent non-scandals. Like, comparing Bernie Sanders to Hitler. How do you respond? And remember, you can put it as crazy as you want to.
Chris Matthews: Alright. Here it goes. The race is down to Hitler and an ice-cream cone to see who can beat the Michelin man. Back to you, girl Hitler. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Laura Ingraham: Welcome home. Thank you for joining us, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Da-ba-da-ha-ba.
Laura Ingraham: And now, our celebrity interview brought to you by our amazing sponsors. Like, Mesh Pillow. Your greedy kids can’t smother you with Mesh Pillow. And for anyone looking to make some quick cash, Fake Purell. It’s lube in a Purell bottle. And as always, White Chocolate. All the calories and none of the taste.
And now, an interview with the latest democratic candidate to end a campaign, the woman who savagely murdered Michael Bloomberg on live television. Please welcome senator Elizabeth Warren.[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham and Elizabeth Warren] [cheers and applause]
Elizabeth Warren: Hi, Laura. Thanks for having me.
Laura Ingraham: How have you been since dropping out of the race?
Elizabeth Warren: You know, I’m doing just fine. My friends and family have been so supportive. They’ve been calling non-stop asking, “Are you okay? What do you need? Were you electable?” That kind of thing.
Laura Ingraham: Oh. You certainly ran a memorable campaign. Here’s footage of you debating Mike Bloomberg.[Cut to a video clip of a dog eating a burrito.] [Cut back to Laura Ingraham and Elizabeth Warren]
And just to be clear, were you the dog or the burrito?
Elizabeth Warren: I was the dog.
Laura Ingraham: Got it. [cheers and applause] So, you’re not endorsing anyone yet?
Elizabeth Warren: Well, it is tough. Maybe I’ll just pull a New York Times and endorse them both.
Laura Ingraham: Well, now that you’re done campaigning, do you have any regrets?
Elizabeth Warren: You know, not at all. I am so proud of our campaign. We built a wide correlation of teachers, pre-school teachers, middle-school teachers and teachers’ pets. And, not only did I not accept money from billionaires, I got to give one a swirly on live TV. [cheers and applause] But now, I got time to do a little self care. Hanging out with my dog Bailey, prank calling big banks, drag racing Subarus, avoiding Twitter. And before I go, I wanna thank my supporters and say one last thing.[Kate McKinnon runs in. She’s wearing exactly same outfit as Elizabeth Warren.]
Kate McKinnon: Hi there. How are you? [cheers and applause] Sorry. I just– I wanted to put on my favorite outfit to thank you for all that you’ve done in your life time.
Elizabeth Warren: Um, I’m not dead. I’m just in the senate.
Kate McKinnon: Right. Whoo! Okay. You’re right. Um, so let’s stay in the spot. And let’s do this.
Elizabeth Warren and Kate McKinnon: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.