The Library


Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day


Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy and Mikey speaking to children and their parents in a library]

Aidy: Hello San Diego public library. Well we’re so lucky today that a special celebrity guest is going to be joining us. We’ve asked him to read some books for us.

Mikey: Yeah, he’s so generous to donate his time. Not entirely sure what he has planned but we know he is gonna teach you all about reading. So, please welcome, RuPaul!

[RuPaul walks in. He has some colorful reading glasses in his hands.]

RuPaul: Hello, hello, hello. Wow, I’m so glad to be here. You know, reading is so important. I even brought everybody reading glasses.

Aidy: Wow, how fun. Thank you.

RuPaul: Now, I’ll show you how to read. Then you try. What’s your name?

[Cut to Kate with her daughter]

Kate: Um, her name is Katlyn.

RuPaul: Can she read?

Kate: She is starting to, yeah.

[Katlyn is wearing a reading glasses.] [Cut to RuPaul]

Oh, Katlyn sweetie, I bet you have plenty of washed up basic little friend that you cannot wait to read to fill. Am I right?

[Cut to Kate and Katlyn. Kate is confused.]

Kate: What?

[Cut to Aidy, Mikey and RuPaul]

Aidy: Okay, now this is a time where I don’t know what is happening. So, Ru, here’s some books that you can use.

RuPaul: Oh, great! Let’s read some books.

[RuPaul sits down and takes off his glasses. Then he picks up a red one and wears it.]

Oh! The library is open.

[RuPaul picks up a book and shows it to the kids]

Okay, first up, Eloise by Kay Thompson’s. [clears his throat] Oh, Eloise, you need to call the front desk and get a hot oil treatment for that broom on your head. And girl, Victoria Secret called, they want their wallpaper back. And what is she doing? Popping a fart? Got that leg all cranked out all nasty. Girl, please! Ha-ha-ha.

[RuPaul puts the book down and gets another book.]

Okay, up next, Madeline by Ludwig Betolbin (saying the name wrong). Ms. Madeline, I have bad news child. The Eiffel tower is not in the woods. Girl you better draw France right, bitch! Somebody tryina act like they’ve been to Paris. You ain’t never been there girl, uh-uh!

[Cut to the kids and the parents]

Ego: What is happening?

[Cut to RuPaul. She is holding another book.]

RuPaul: Alright. Next, The Secret of the Old Clock. Honey, I’ll tell you what the secret is. She been out there doing herself. Uh-huh! Somebody found out and she just grabbed some old random clock and was acting like she was fixing it. Good god, girl! Get a grip. She crazy!

[Cut to Aidy and Mikey]

Mikey: Okay, let’s pause. Um, I think people might be a little confused.

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: Well, I am reading these books, girls.

[Cut to Aidy, Mikey and RuPaul]

Aidy: Right. I believe that reading is like a drag term like work, or dancing, but for personalized insults.

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: Exactly! Reading is throwing shay. A brutal insult wrapped inside a glorious wordplay. You know what I’m saying? Reading is what? Fun-damental! Yeah.

[Cut to Aidy, Mikey and RuPaul]

Mikey: Oh, okay. I’m so sorry. When you put it like that, go right ahead.

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: Oh, thank you.

[RuPaul takes another book]

Harriet the Spy. Girl bye! Next!

[RuPaul put that book down and takes another one.]

Oh, child! This girl is shaped like a BMW. Body Made Wrong. And what’s up with your foundation? Why you look so orange? And your body is green girl! Pop off!

[RuPaul picks up another book]

Oh! Bear got some over a busted overall. Who does she think she is? Oh, she thinks she Bo-hoe like Zooey Deschanel. Girl, you ain’t Bo-hoe. You a Bro-hoe! Be gone!

[Cut to the parents and the kids]

Ego: This is like, very education. Should we leave?

Kate: Absolutely… not! This is the most fun I’ve had since this girl blasted out of me.

Beck: Absolutely. This is so fun. Do me! Do me.!

[Cut to RuPaul holding a book]

RuPaul: Honey, you ain’t worth the crabs.

[Cut to Aidy and Mikey]

Mikey: Okay, I hate to interrupt here coz I can only imagine the feel that you’d have with me. Um, but I’m not sure this is useful to our kids.

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: Well, sir, these children spending their Saturday inside a library with RuPaul, a well time read is gonna save their little booties on playground. Right?

[Cut to Kate and Katlyn]

Katlyn: I wanna try.

RuPaul: Okay.

Katlyn: Library? More like strawberry!

[Cut to Aidy, Mikey and RuPaul]

RuPaul: Aw! Bless her heart. Well, you’re almost there, honey. Alright, may I continue?Of course.

Aidy: Of course.

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: James and the Giant Peach. Oh! That peach is giant and is juicy. Must be jelly coz jammed on shay. Okay, children. You go!

[The End]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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