The Sands of Modesto

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Debranike… Kate McKinnon

Tyrell… Kenan Thompson

Stacia… Chloe Fineman

Blaise… Daniel Craig

Victania… Cecily Strong

[Starts with “The Sands of Modesto” intro.]

Female voice: The Sands of Modesto.

Male voice:  With the outbreak of COVID-Debranike9, otherwise known as Coronavirus, the producers of today’s of episode of “The Sands of Modesto” would like to remind viewers that the staging of certain scenes has been altered for the actor’s safety.

Female voice: The Sands of Modesto.

[Cut to

Debranike: Thank you, Tyrell. My face looks amazing. I think I’m ready for the benefit.

Tyrell: Well, I am the best makeup artist in Modesto. Now, let me just put on some lip gloss. [Tyrell pulls out a two meter long lip-gloss brush and put it on Debranike from far away.] Alright. There you are. You are ready now, Debranike. I’m sorry to be personal, but may I ask you a question? [pulls out a feather] Does a cuckatoo live here?

[Debranike gets emotional]

Debranike: Not anymore. Cuckatoo flew far, far away.

Tyrell: Good. That explains it. Then I’ll take my leave. Thank you very much.

[They pretend they’re shaking hands from two meters far.]

Debranike: Thank you Tyrell. [phone ringing] Oh, excuse me. It seems like I have a phone call. [Debranike sprays disinfectant on the phone and herself before answering.] Hello? My god! Really? Well, where is she now? Here? Well, it can’t be.

[doorbell ringing]

Coming. On my way.

[Debranike uses tissues to open the door.] [Stacia walks in]

Stacia?

Stacia: Hello, mother.

Debranike: But, you were killed in that plane crash.

Stacia: That’s what I was told. But I’m alive.

Debranike: Oh! Come, let me hold your face, my darling. [Debranike holds Stacia’s face with her elbows] Look at you. Aw, I never wanna let you go.

Stacia: Don’t, mother. Don’t ever.

Debranike: How in the world did you get back?

Stacia: Well, I had the help of a friend.

[Blaise walks in. He has a white parrot on his one hand.]

Blaise: Debranike, hello.

Debranike: Blaise? Blaise Childes.

Blaise: It’s been quite a long time. You remember Charles. [showing his parrot]

Debranike: Of course. Hello, Charles. Blaise, I thought you left to become a priest.

Blaise: Yes. But I couldn’t do it. The ‘no sex’ part. Also, have you read the bible? It’s weird. The truth is, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.

Stacia: I’ll give you two a moment. Mother, one more embrace?

Debranike: Of course.

[They act like they’re hugging from two meters far.] [Stacia walks out]

I’ll admit this is quite a surprise. How did sands of Modesto shift in such unpredictable way?

Blaise: Indeed they do. Please join me on the couch. Let’s get reacquainted. Excuse us, Charles. [Blaise puts his parrot on a table] [Debranike and Blaise sit on a couch keeping distance] See, isn’t that better?

Debranike: Oh, please. Being this close to you, it brings back so many feelings.

Blaise: Well, fight them. Remember how I used to stroke your hair?

Debranike: Well, I’ll never forget that for a second. [Blaise uses a long fake arms to stroke Debranike’s hair.] The gorgeous man’s hand. And this touch. Oh, Blaise, I can’t help it. I wanna kiss you.

[Debranike and Blaise stand]

Blaise: Well, why don’t you? Come darling. We can’t deny this any longer.

Debranike: Then kiss me. Kiss me now.

Blaise: It’s all I ever wanted to do.

[Blaise pulls out a glass slab. Debranike and Blaise kiss with the glass slab in between.]

Oh, your kisses. They taste just like I remember.

Debranike: Oh, take me. Take me, Blaise. Please. [Debranike lies down. Blaise puts a plastic on her.] Yes. Yes. Blaise. Blaise.

[Blaise gets on Debranike]

Blaise: I feel like we will melt into one.

[Victania walks in]

Victania: Debranike! What the hell are you doing?

Blaise: Victania? How did you find us?

Victania: You think if my ex husband came back into town, I wouldn’t know about it? Bitch, this is Modesto! [Victania puts sanitizer on her hands]

Debranike: So, it is. And perhaps it’s not big enough for the both of us.

Victania: You’re damn right.

[Victania acts like she slapped Debranike from far away. Debranike acts like it hit her and falls down.]

Debranike: Ah! You crazy slut.

[They wear gloves and pull barbies. Then they start hitting each other’s barbies with their owns.]

Victania: God! I’m sorry. I over reacted. I never had thought– [sneezes]

Debranike and Blaise: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

[Debranike and Blaise walk out of the house.] [Starts with “The Sands of Modesto” outro.]

Female voice: The Sands of Modesto.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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