Tom Hanks[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks.[Tom Hanks is in his home. He is wearing a suit.] [cheers and applause]
Tom Hanks: Hey, hey. Wow. Wow. Thank you. That is some sound effect of applause and whistles. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, engineers. Hey, all you cool cats and kittens. It’s me, your old pal. Don’t worry now. Don’t be afraid. This shaved head was just for movie. My hair is growing back very slowly. It does save time in the shower. So, I don’t know. Maybe we should all do it, huh?
Hey, it’s good to be here, though it is also very weird to be here hosting Saturday Night Live from home. It is a strange time to try and be funny. But trying to be funny is SNL’s whole thing. So, we thought, “What the heck? Let’s give it a shot.” But why me as host? Well, for one, I have been the celebrity canary in the coal mine for the coronavirus. And ever since being diagnosed, I have been more like America’s dad like ever before since no one wants to be around me very long, and I make people uncomfortable. Now, I was diagnosed back in March with the coronavirus. I was first diagnosed down in Australia. Now, the folks in Australia are fantastic in every way. But they use celcius instead of fahrenheit when they take your temperature. So, when I come in, they say, “You’re 36!” Which seemed very bad to me. Turns out 36 is fine. 38 is bad. So, basically it’s how Hollywood treats female actors. But now, my wife and I are doing fine. We’re doing great. We’re hunkered down like all of it should be. And in fact, this suit, this is the first time I’ve worn anything other than sweatpants since March 11th. My wife had to help me put it on because I forgot how buttons work. But it turns out there’s these little discs and they slide into these slots. Amazing.
Now, this Saturday Night Live is gonna be al little different. For one thing, it has been filmed entirely by the SNL cast who are currently quarantine in their homes just like this. Well, not like this. I mean, their homes are little more like– You know what? I’m gonna let you be the judge of that.
Also, there’s no such thing as Saturdays anymore. It’s just, everyday is today. And we’re not really live. But, we are doing everything we can to make this feel like the SNL you know and love. I am even using cue cards. [pulls a paper from behind the camera] See? I’m even using cue cards. That’s riffed, baby. That’s what I am doing.
So, tonight I can do everything a host does during a normal SNL. I could even do that old chestnut the question and answer monologue. Let’s see, does anyone have any questions? Yes, what about you sir? How about you?[Cut to Tom Hanks wearing a hat and a fake mustache. He has a smoking pipe in his mouth]
Um, I have a question for Mr. Hanks. I can’t help but notice that you are in excellent shape. What is the secret of your physical regiment?[Cut back to Tom Hanks wearing suit]
Come on. I just try to stretch a couple of times a week. Go easy on the carbs and the cookies. Thank you though. Anybody else? Yes, you sir.
Alright, I got a question for Tommy Tim Tam. What’s a right proper way to get a daily dose of your vegemite?[Cut back to Tom Hanks wearing suit]
Enough of that. Well, we have a great show for you tonight. Now, is it gonna look a little different than what you’re used to? Yes. Will it be weird to see sketches without big sets and costumes? Sure. But, will it make you laugh? Ugh. You know, it’s SNL. You know. There’ll be some good stuff. Maybe one or two stinkers. You know the drill. But let’s go. Hey, stay safe. We are in this for the duration. And we will get through this together. We are going to thank our hospital workers, our first responders and all the helpers. The supermarket stockers. The people who deliver our food. The people who are making takeout for us. The men and women who are keeping this country going at the time we need more than ever before. So, we’re gonna take care of them and we’re gonna take care of each other. So, let’s try to now just enjoy the show. We will be right back.