U.S.O. Performance

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Colonel… Alex Moffat

Aubra July… Kristen Wiig

Garrett… Bowen Yang

Mikey Day

Andrew Dismukes

Marjorie… Dua Lipa

[Starts with Christmas Eve 1944. Two military men are dancing and the others are clapping. Then

Boys: [saluting] Sir!

Colonel: At ease, boys. Well, I hope to see those feet move that fast on the battle field.

Boys: Thank you sir. [They walk away]

Colonel: Can’t believe there’s this much talent in our very own 170 first division. And here to lift your spirits on Christmas Eve, you my recognize her from the medic tent. It’s nurse Aubra July.

[Aubra July walks in. She’s looking very pretty. The military men are clapping hard.]

Mikey: I like what I see

Andrew: Santa came after all.

Garrett: What a woman!

Aubra July: Well, I may be a lousy medic but let’s see if I can be half decent singer.

Colonel: Ha-ha-ha. Alright. Simmer down, now, fellas. Just sit on your helmets and enjoy.

Aubra July: Now, I know you boys miss home this Christmas eve. Maybe you’re missing someone special. Well, I’ve got a song just for you. But first, I need a volunteer.

[All the military men are raising their hands]

Boys: Me! Me! Me!

Aubra July: How about you, handsome?

[Garrett walks to the stage]

Andrew: Private Garrett’s the toughest guy in our unit.

Mikey: Yeah. This should be gas.

Aubra July: Do you have heard the song “Love fight?”

Garrett: Maybe I head it when I was a boy. I’ll follow your lead.

Aubra July: It’s a shuffle on C, four on the floor, just stay on the rhythm and you can’t go wrong. Hit it.

[music playing]

Garrett: Hello.

Aubra July: Baby, listen. I ain’t coming home tonight.

Garrett: Boy, stop. Here we go with this mess again.

Aubra July: I mean it. I got work. Don’t wait up.

Garrett: Is that right? [singing] Coz I know that you’ve been hanging out all night

Aubra July: Well you know I cannot help that, I’m a man

Garrett: You can help the way you treat me

Aubra July: Woman, don’t please me

Garrett: I swear to you, I’ll walk away

Aubra July: [slaps Garrett] Shut your mouth, you’re pissing me off

[Aubra July and Garrett start dancing intimately. Even Garrett is acting like a woman.]

Both: Yeah, yeah
Doing me wrong and doing you right
where do you go in the middle of the night
Doing me wrong and doing you right
you’re pissing me off baby, it’s a love fight

[The boys are shocked]

Beck: Now, help me. Is this a play?

Kyle: I don’t know. But it sure is noisy.

Colonel: Well, whatever it is, Private Garrett is off book.

Mikey: Wait, so the girl is playing the boy and the boy is playing the girl?

Andrew: Yeah, there’s a lot going on.

Garrett: Quit your lying. My girlfriend saw Shanice you at the club.

Aubra July: She needs to get her eyes checked.

Garrett: She did. Yesterday.

Aubra July: [singing] I’ve given you all of me
my mind, my body, can’t you see?

Garrett: Then why does the car smell like sex
with girl that isn’t me?

Both: Wo-wu-wo-wu-yeah, yeah! 

Garrett: Break it down now, y’all.

Colonel: They are really nailing the coreo.

Mikey: But he got caught. Now he’s being mouthy.

Beck: He’s not going to change.

Kyle: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Andrew: Shh, she’s confronting him.

Garrett: Remind me, do you wear red satin panties?

Aubra July: Girl, you know I don’t.

Garrett: Then why did I find these in your briefcase?

[Marjorie walks in]

Marjorie: I’ve been looking for those.

Aubra July and Garrett: Marjorie?

[Aubra July, Garrett and Marjorie start dancing sexy]

Beck: That must be the other woman.

Mikey: The one who stunk the car up?

Kyle: This is the moment of truth.

Aubra July: Baby, it ain’t what it looks like.

Marjorie: Oh, yeah? Because it looks bad?

Garrett: Consider this a warning.

Marjorie: You’re on notice.

Aubra July: How can I make it up to you both?

Marjorie: Why? It’s simple.

Garrett and Marjorie: Defeat the Nazis!

Aubra July: Mama, you ain’t saying nothing but a word.

Aubra July, Garrett and Marjorie: Wo-wu-wo-wu-yeah, yeah!
Doing me wrong and doing you right

[all the military men join them to dance] 
where do you go in the middle of the night
Doing me wrong and doing you right
you’re pissing me off baby, it’s a love fight

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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