Michael Che
Bailey Gismert… Heidi Gardner
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: Movie theaters in many parts of the country have been unable to operate fully since March. Here to comment is teem movie critic and star of her own YouTube channel “Bailey at the Movies”, please welcome Bailey Gismert.
[Bailey Gismert slides in. She looks shy.]
[cheers and applause]
Bailey Gismert: Hey, Michael.
Michael Che: Hey, Bailey. It’s good to see you. It has been a while.
Bailey Gismert: Okay. So, Michael Che missed me. Creepy.
Michael Che: Alright, Bailey. So, since most theaters are closed, what have you been watching?
Bailey Gismert: Well, since I can’t watch news, my dad’s been making me watch super old movies.
Michael Che: That’s kind of awesome. What did you watch? “Casablanca”, “Citizen Kane”?
Bailey Gismert: Um, try like, “Forrest Gump”.
Michael Che: That’s not that old.
Bailey Gismert: Okay, so, we like, watched “Forrest Gump” and I’m sorry, but you can’t do that anymore. Like, Bubba, Jenny and Forrest hook up? That’s a gray area, Michael. Also, did you know Tom Hanks used to have a problem? I’ve only ever seen him as David S. Pumpkins, but seeing him when he was young, like, he has overcome a lot.
Michael Che: No, no. Bailey. That’s a character. Tom Hanks is just acting.
Bailey Gismert: What? You can’t do that anymore, Michael. Like, he’s doing the voice and everything. Like, they should have casted actual Forrest Gump, if you know what I mean, Michael.
Michael Che: Yeah, I know what you mean. Let’s just move on. Did you watch any other movies?
Bailey Gismert: Yeah. We saw all the 90’s best pictures. The next one was “American Beauty”, and you just can’t do that anymore, Michael.
Michael Che: Right. Because of Kevin Spacey.
Bailey Gismert: No. Like, plastic bags, Michael. They’re just watching it circle around and– It could strangle a duck, Michael.
Michael Che: Okay, got it. Did you watch any best pictures you liked?
Bailey Gismert: Yes. “The silence of the lambs” was cool. I wasn’t like, laugh out loud funny but there were really some funny moments for sure.
Michael Che: Really? What was your favorite part?
Bailey Gismert: I guess like, Buffalo Bill the [mumbling]
Michael Che: Buffalo Bill the serial killer? Do you like him, Bailey?
Bailey Gismert: Stop. Stop. I know you’re like, 45 , but shut up.
Michael Che: I’m not.
Bailey Gismert: I don’t like Buffalo Bill. Yeah. So, he’s a dog dad and his dancing is fire, but I don’t like him.
Michael Che: Well, good. Because he’s a serial killer.
Bailey Gismert: In your opinion. Just like, don’t tell me I like him because Buffalo Bill loves the chase.
Michael Che: I’m sorry, Bailey. I didn’t mean to make you upset.
Bailey Gismert: I’m not. Stop! Urgh! Oh my god. Stop. I’m just like, running on fumes. I know around here it’s an election year and the nation is watching or whatever. But you’re never in sketches. So, you barely work. But I’m like, overwhelmed. I nailed my choir solo. So now, there’s a target on my back. I had to sell my mom’s masks. And top of all that, next week I have to drink a bunch of milk.
Michael Che: Why do you have to do that?
Bailey Gismert: I’m a lady Santa. It’s 2020, Michael.
Michael Che: Well, Bailey, I’m glad you’re still doing what you’re doing.
Bailey Gismert: Okay. If you’re as hungry for my ass as Michael, make sure you smash that subscribe button below.
Michael Che: Bailey, this isn’t online.
Bailey Gismert: Yeah, I know. I can’t even find SNL on Netflix. You know that’s bad, right?
Michael Che: Bailey Gismert, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.
