Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes]
Colin Jost: Hey, everyone. Welcome to Weekend Update Home Edition. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And this is obviously a strange way to do the show. So, we got some people listening on Zoom. Say hi, everybody.[audience making little noise]
Yeah. Now, it’s like a party, right Coling?
Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s a great distant just audio party. It’s great.
Michael Che: What? I mean it’s better. It’s like.. telling jokes with nobody just looks like hostage footage. No, doing comedy with no audience, it kind of feels like when you’re in a long distance relationship and your girl’s like, “We can’t have sex but we can Facetime.” And you’re like, “Ugh, I’d rather just cheat on you.”
So, we got some jokes and we’re gonna tell some, see what you guys think.
Colin Jost: I’ve been watching president’s daily improv shows that he does every night. And I actually really love Dr. Anthony Fauci. I love when he speaks. Dr. Fauci is the last person I’ve seen that has a really thick accent but is smart. I’ve never got used to that. It’s like if someone said like, “Alright, guys. Here’s how we’re gonna fix this disease,” you’d expect them to be like, “We’re gonna break it’s f*** knee caps.” But he just has actual like, facts information.
Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the race which means that Joe Biden is now the presumptive nominee for 2020. And I just want to say on behalf of all comedians, thank you. I’m so excited because it’s either Trump or Biden which means that we have a comedy gold for next four years. Potentially with Biden, the next eight years. And I just want to say, can you imagine the Biden’s gonna be saying eight years from now?
Michael Che: This is bitter sweet coz I actually like Bernie Sanders. But him losing and making all those liberal white kids on twitter sad is the only thing getting me through this really rough week. Whenever I feel down, I just go online and listen to Bernie supporters try really, really hard to not blame this loss on black people. Ha-ha. I liked him but I knew he wasn’t getting a black vote because he kept bringing up healthcare. We don’t go to the doctors, man.
Colin Jost: President Trump has been reportedly promoting unproven cures for COVID-19 based on advice of Rudy Giuliani. Coz when you need medical advice, you turn to the guy who looks like he’s experience every symptom at once.
Michael Che: Reports suggest that in large cities like New York, coronavirus is disproportionately impacting African-American communities. And I really wish there was a way to warn black people about this without also telling white people about this. Coz once Trump starts calling this the Harlem flu, we ain’t never gonna get a cure.
Colin Jost: It was announced that Kylie Jenner for the second year in a row was the world’s youngest self made billionaire. The announcement was made in this month’s issue of Now’s Not The Time (magazine).
Michael Che: Harvey Weinstein has reportedly beaten the coronavirus but there’s still a chance he could be contagious. At least that’s what he’s yelling to anyone who gets near him in the showers.
Colin Jost: Tuesday was National Beer Day which was the first time alcohol has ever helped me remember what day it is.