Weekend Update- Bottle Boi


Colin Jost

Bottle Boi… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, New York’s ban on plastic bags went into effect. Here to comment on it’s impact is my friend and plastic’s expert, Bottle Boi.

[Bottle Boi slides in. He’s carrying a bag of bottles and cans. He is untidily dressed with bottle caps and plastic.]

Bottle Boi: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Well, hello there. Ha-ha.

Colin Jost: Hello there, Bottle Boi. So, you’re a plastic’s expert, right?

Bottle Boi: In-du-bi-debly I am, Colin. Plastics is my job, my passion and my fashion.

Colin Jost: That’s right. And you’ve collected plastic bottles in my neighborhood.

Bottle Boi: Hey, don’t sell me shorts, Colin. Last year, Bottle Boi me 60,000… pennies but it’s tax-free.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And is the plastic bag ban like, hurting your income now?

Bottle Boi: Oh, confirmative it is. But this ban doesn’t just affect me. All New Yorkers need their plastics. Let’s say you’re walking down to the 33rd street with your little chihuahua mix and it take a big log on a sidewalk. What will you pick up that doo-doo with, huh? An NPR canvas tote?

Colin Jost: I mean, yeah. I guess that’s a good point.

Bottle Boi: Thank you. Thank you. And what does everybody line their bathroom trash with? A plastic grocery bag. Now you gonna throw your wet q-tips into a what? A back-pack? Fling your little toenail boomerangs into a JanSport? Never!

Colin Jost: Now, have you brought this issue up to anyone who can help?

Bottle Boi: Oh, yes. I called Governor Cuomo himself. I said, “Cuomo, everyday I go to the key food and buy one big pickle from the tub. What should I carry that pickle in now? A mitten?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I guess I really consider how these policies impact the homeless people.

Bottle Boi: Oh, Colin, I’m not homeless. I live right around the corner from you. In a beautiful antebellum house in the French quarter of Time Square. Also known as ‘the Bubba Gump Shrimp company.’

Colin Jost: Yeah. But you have to understand that this isn’t only about you.

Bottle Boi: Oh, don’t I know? But we get rid of plastics. Then what? We’re not giving the fish in the sea their necklaces anymore. Mr. Turtle ain’t gonna get no nose ring? Oh! Look, I ain’t no Greta Toon-town (Greta Thunberg) and I ain’t no Leonardo Di-Capinick. No, I am Bottle Boi.

Colin Jost: Right. And if your name is Bottle Boi, then why are you so hung up on plastic bags?

Bottle Boi: Well, first they come for the bags and then they come for the bottles. What’s next? No more toilets on the subway?

Colin Jost: You know, there are no toilets on the subway.

Bottle Boi: There are if you have a plastic bag.

Colin Jost: Bottle Boi, everyone.

Bottle Boi: I voted for you, Mr. Cuomo. I voted for you.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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