Chen Biao… Bown Yang[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: This week, the World Health Organization officially declared the Corona virus a global emergency. Here to comment is newly appointed Chinese health minister, Chen Biao[Chen Biao slides in]
Chen Biao: Oh-oh! Michael Che! What’s doing?
Michael Che: Hey, how you doing, Mr. Biao? So, last time you were here, you were China’s trade representative, but now you’re in charge of Corona virus stuff?
Chen Biao: Yeah. I just got the promotion. [Cut to Chen Biao] New gig. It pays more and it’s a lot sadder. And I guess I am China’s new crisis queen. I don’t know.[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]
Michael Che: So, what are you qualifications for this new job, anyway?[Cut to Chen Biao]
Chen Biao: Okay. Well, I’ve been watching all those TLC medical shows. You know, um, Dr. Pimple Popper, I’m in love with my goiter, Little people big ass, it’s a good show.[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]
Michael Che: [laughing] Well, 45 million people are quarantine in China right now. So, the situation seems pretty dire.
Chen Biao: Dire? Relax! China’s got this, okay? Middle kingdom unlock. Literally.
Michael Che: What do you say to allegations that the Chinese government is under reporting how many cases of the virus there are?
Chen Biao: [laughing] What? Under reporting? China? [Cut to Chen Biao] How would we even do that? With our state run media? I have nothing to hide, Che. I show my nipples on dating apps. I’m talking full area.[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Well, it has been before. Like, when China down played the SARS outbreak in 2002.
Chen Biao: That was one time! And 2002 was a different world. Spiderman was Toby McGuire.
Michael Che: Okay, but China has placed several cities on lock down.
Chen Biao: They sure have. Millions of people are on lock down now in China. But you can make it fun. Sort of, um, church lock in vibe? Right? Like, when they talk all day about abstinence but then it’s like, “Okay, now you’re gonna make us sleep in a big room together?” Good plan, youth pastor Ben.[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]
Michael Che: [laughing] Who is Youth Pastor Ben?
Chen Biao: Oh, just some guy I hooked up with. [Cut to Chen Biao] And after eight months I was like, “Oh, I cannot fix you sweetie!”[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Okay, what do you think about Delta in American Airlines suspend their flights to China until April?
Chen Biao: Oh, no! I can’t fly American Airlines anymore? [Cut to Chen Biao] The only airline where if you ask for a Sprite, they say, “Is Sierra Mist okay?” Who will I pay to throw my luggage in the garbage?[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]
Michael Che: That’s a good point. Well, Chen, we know it’s a really difficult time in China right now. And we wish you all the best.
Chen Biao: Oh, well, thank you Che. [Cut to Chen Biao] And we are committed to preventing the further spread of this virus with patience, diligence and these exclusive Chen Biao Burberry surgical mask! [Chen Biao takes a mask with a checked print on it and wears it.] [Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Chen Biao everybody!
Chen Biao: Wash your hands. Our phones are covered in poop.