Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There are pictures of NASA logo and planet Mars at right top corner.]
Michael Che: NASA announced that it is looking for people from diverse backgrounds to become astronauts for future missions to Mars. Good luck getting black people on a ship to a new world.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a poster of the movie “No Time To Die: 007” at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The producers of the up-coming James Bond movie “No Time To Die” announced that because of the coronavirus outbreak, they’re pushing the movie’s release back from April to November. Though, I think they should have still released in April but taken out the “No.” [The picture in the poster becomes “Time To Die.”] [Picture changes to PennState campus]
Students at PennState held a candle light vigil for a campus TacoBell that is closing, because after you eat TacoBell, it never hurts to light a candle.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says, “100 year old woman asks to be arrested,” at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A North Carolina woman celebrated her 100th birthday by asking their sheriff’s deputy to arrest her for the first time ever and take her to jail. And no need to look it up, she’s white.[Picture changes to a Dunkin’ donut.]
Dunkin’ donuts announced that every Friday in March, it will give away a free donut with a drink purchase. It’s part of a promotion to launch their new slogan, “Dunkin’ donuts, you can’t dia-beat us!”[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Colin Jost: And now once again Weekend Update presents…
Michael Che: The Weeknd Update.[Cut to The Weeknd Update intro] [Cut to The Weeknd in his dressing room]
The Weeknd: Feels good. [coughing] [Cut to The Weeknd Update outro]
Male voice: This is then The Weeknd Update.
Colin Jost: Two men were arrested in India trying to smuggle in whale vomit ,or as it’s known commercially ‘a shamrock shake.’[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of William Shatner at right top corner.]
It was reported that as part of William Shatner’s divorce settlement from his ex-wife, he will gain custody of the couple’s supply of horse semen. Now, I don’t want to speculate on what he’s doing with all that horse semen but the dude’s almost 90 and his skin looks amazing.[Picture changes to a young boy reading a book.]
A new study claims that negative gender stereotypes keeps boys from reading. And I was gonna read more on this study, but what am I? Gay?[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says, “11-year-old allowed to drive car” at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Relatives of an 11-year-old in England were fined after they got fed up with a boy playing grand theft auto too much and let him drive a real car. Also fed up, the prostitutes he tried to run over.