Weekend Update- Eric, Donald Jr. and Tiffany Trump on the 2020 Election

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Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Tiffany Trump… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: It’s safe to say it’s been a bumpy couple of weeks for the Trump family. Here with an update, our first sons, Eric and Don. Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin.

Colin Jost: Hey, guys.

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, so you were in the Hamptons all summer. No call? No touch?

Colin Jost: It’s okay. No.

Donald Trump Jr.: Didn’t I see you at the Trump boat parade?

Colin Jost: No. I was just on a fishing trip.

Donald Trump Jr.: Maybe. [Eric mumbling] Eric, move your mask. We can’t hear you, buddy. [Eric pulls the mask to cover his eyes and open his mouth.] No, come on. Just put it down. [Donald Trump Jr. pulls the mask off of Eric] Ew, Eric. It’s wet. Were you chewing on it?

Eric: [smiling] No.

Colin Jost: That’s a yes. I’m so glad to see that you guys are both healthy. That’s great.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yep. Healthy and thriving, Colin. I’ve been out on the campaign trail, super spreading my father’s message. And Eric had his very first Zoom business meeting today.

Eric: Uh-huh. I was muted.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yes. And he did great. He did great.

Colin Jost: Sounds great. Congratulations Eric. Now, most polls show that your father’s trailing Joe Biden. Is he worried about losing re-election?

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. laughing]

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad isn’t worried about losing this election. In fact he is–

Eric: Terrified.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, he’s not because he knows his base will show up on election day. In fact, he calls all his supporters–

Eric: [interrupting] White trash.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. He does not. He absolutely does not.

Eric: Yeah, and he does that voice.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, he doesn’t. Hey, you wanna put some hand sanitizer on, buddy? Here. [hands him a sanitizer] You’ve been touching stuff all day. You deal with that. Look, Colin, sleepy creepy Joe doesn’t have the stamina to pull off a win here. His platform is just re-heated [Eric is trying to drink the sanitizer] Obamacare policies that quite frankly didn’t work. Eric! Eric! You just drank that?

Eric: Dad said it was fine.

Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, it’s not. It’s like, 98% alcohol, buddy. You can’t do that. [Eric shows the bottle to everyone] Don’t show. What was that? Are you alright?

Eric: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump Jr.: Just ease off on that.

Colin Jost: Alright, he’s feeling it. Is your father confident then? He’s confident that he’s gonna win in November, you think?

[Eric is trying to drink the sanitizer again]

Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, no more drinking that.

Eric: I wasn’t.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah.

Colin Jost: He’s gonna win, you think?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And the whole family’s got his back. Just ask our sister!

Colin Jost: Oh, wow! Is Ivanka here?

[Tiffany slides in. She’s got a ship-captain’s hat on and a bottle of champagne in her hand.]

Tiffany: Whoo!

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Oh, no. It’s not. It doesn’t look like Ivanka.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. Unfortunately, Ivanka–

Eric: Doesn’t like us. I was gonna say, “is busy”. So, we brought our other sister Tiffany.

Tiffany: Haha. Happy birthday to me. Haha. Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Tiffany. I see you’re still celebrating your birthday even that you got some flack in the press.

Tiffany: I’m just trying to be relatable millennial, Colin. But yeah, the media got all butt-hurt because I was partying maskless in Miami with the first 20 randos to slide in my DM. But I mean, I’m a step child named Tiffany. It’s kind of my job to get faded on south beach.

Donald Trump Jr.: She’s kidding, Colin.

Eric: [whispering to Donald Trump Jr.] Don, who is that lady?

Donald Trump Jr.: That’s your sister, Eric. Wait, Tiff, I don’t know if you and Eric have officially met.

Tiffany: Um, not in person. No.

Eric: [greeting Tiffany] Hi, not-vanka.

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, don’t call her not-vanka, buddy.

Eric: Sorry.

Tiffany: It’s okay. Dad does.

Colin Jost: Tiffany, I have to ask. Were you worried about spreading COVID to your party guests considering that your father just had it?

Tiffany: Um, no. Daddy’s always taking the six-foot social distance rule very seriously with me.

Donald Trump Jr.: So, as you can see, Colin, we’re a united front. And we know dad is going to win no matter what the dems try to stir up. Like, this latest debt nonsense? Please, my dad doesn’t owe $400 million. He owes–

Eric: [interrupting] $800 million.

Donald Trump Jr.: He owes–

Tiffany: [interrupting] A billion dollars.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. He owes a little but Colin, you know how my dad does business. He goes¬† big or–

Eric and Tiffany: He goes to jail.

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, I can’t handle them. I can’t handle them both.

Colin Jost: Alright. The first kids, everyone.

Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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