Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Hi. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of final presidential debate at left top corner.]
Well, the final presidential debate took place on Thursday and the actual CNN headline after was, “Trump behaved more like a regular person.” That’s not a description of a president. It’s like the description of a robot from ‘West World’. This debate was so frustrating to watch. Did anyone else find themselves yelling lines at the screen that they wish Biden had said? Like when Trump talked about how good he has been for the stock market, it was like, “Joe, the stock market when you were vice president went up four times higher than Trump’s stock market. You have the ball. You’re standing above the rim. Why will you not dunk it?” Or when Trump said that Biden is all talk and no action, why didn’t Biden just say, “Bitch, show us your taxes, show us the vaccine, show us the wall and show us what prison you locked Hillary in?” Truly, it was like Biden had an open field running for a touchdown and then this happened.
[Cut to a video clip of a football game where a player is running for a touch down far from everybody else, but then he falls down and gets caught.]
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Trump claimed that he was the least racist person in the room which is only something the most racist person in the room would say. You never hear Martin Luther King say, “I’m the least racist.” Nobody is expecting you to be the least racist. I’d just settle for ‘not so racist anymore.’ When you lie that big, it makes you look more guilty. Like, when my uncle told me he doesn’t get high anymore while he was holding my TV. I hate that.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: You also know politics in 2020 is stupid when some of the best investigative journalism is being done by Borat. Rudy Giuliani is denying he did anything wrong after a controversial scene in the new Borat movie in which he’s alone in a hotel room with a female reporter, puts his hands down his pants and appears to start touching himself. Unfortunately we can’t show you the video. Not because it violates standards, but because anyone who watches it dies in seven days.
Giuliani defended himself by explaining that he had to lay down on the bed to tuck in his shirt. Which I think is an actual punchline to a “Yo mama’s so fat” joke.
[Cut o Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Rates of coronavirus are spiking in almost every state as country braces for a possible third peak. But are we actually bracing though? Because the first time, people would have night fight over lysol and toilet paper, and now people are back to just eating buffalo wings outside just licking on their fingers. It’s gross. Am I the only one still terrified by this? Remember when Tom Hanks got it like, five years ago/six months ago? And we all sat there teary eye thinking we might lose Forest Gump? Now a whole football team gets sick and they just move the game. I don’t know where I’m going with this. It has been a really weird week and I really, really thought the president was going to die.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama giving speech for Biden at left top side.]
Colin Jost: Former president Barack Obama was also back on the campaign throughout this week. It was jarring to see. Obama’s presidency seemed so long ago, it’s easy to forget he’s 15 years younger than either of the candidates. You know who else is younger than the current candidates? The guys we elected in the years 2000 and 1992. Is it just me or is that insane? This election is equivalent of a baseball team giving a four year deal to Willie Mays now.
