Michael Che[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein using the walker.]
Colin Jost: Harvey Weinstein once again showed up to a court appearance using a walker. And then like Willy Wonka, he dropped the walker, did a somersault and ejaculated into a plant.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Super Bowl, San Francisco and Kansas city logos at left top corner.]
Michael Che: [laughing] Tomorrow, Super Bowl pit San Francisco versus Kansas city. Hey, just like the election. I don’t know why that’s sad.[Picture changes to Larry Holmes and Gerry Cooney]
Boxers Larry Holmes and Gerry Cooney are in talks for a rematch nearly 40 years after they last fought. The fight will consist of 10 rounds of boxing and 80 bathroom breaks. It will be the first fight decided by the natural causes.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Greece flag and Katerina Sakellaropoulou at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Greece has elected it’s first ever female president and of course the country is already [Picture changes to Parthenon structure] falling apart!
Michael Che: I liked it.[Picture changes to Krispy Kreme doughnuts logo]
Colin Jost: Yeah. Krispy Kreme doughnuts announced that it’s opening a flagship store in Time Square. It’s perfect because every time I walk through Time Square, I step in something that can best be described as Krispy Kreme.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a weighing machine at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Wild life experts in England say that an extremely obese owl has been put on a strict diet and has been released back into the wild. Unfortunately, it’s back on it’s old diet of just [picture changes to tootsie pops owl] tootsie pops.
A hotel in Canada if offering couples a free night if they check-in on valentine’s day and conceive a baby during their stay. They’re hoping it will get fellas to stop aiming for the blankets. Well, I guess you don’t wanna know. The hotel’s name is the ‘Leave It INN’.