Colin Jost
Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong
[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]
Colin Jost: Protests against the lockdowns have continued in states like Michigan and California. Here to comment from her home is FOX News personality, Jeanine Pirro.
Jeanine Pirro: Good evening Colin. I hope you’ll forgive me. I had to do my own make up while looking into a spoon. [Her makeup and hair is horrible.]
Colin Jost: Yeh. Jeanine, are you okay?
Jeanine Pirro: I’m perfectly fine. Although, I admit that it’s been tough for all of us. For what seems like forever, I’ve been sitting at home drinking and complain to whoever would listen.Then this whole coronavirus thing happened.
Colin Jost: What do you think is going on with this virus?
Jeanine Pirro: There are so many theories. Some say the sun kills it. Some say it can be cured with the miracle drug, hydroxyclhoroquine. Right now, there’s a group of patriots in Michigan who believe you can kill virus by shooting it with an AR-Colin Jost5. It’s smart and I support it.
Colin Jost: Jeanine, I have to ask, have you been drinking?
Jeanine Pirro: Not much. I’m just haveing a little of this boxed wine. [She’s drinking wing out of the box with straw.]
Colin Jost: Well, I guess clearly you think it’s time to reopen the country?
Jeanine Pirro: Of course, it is.
Colin Jost: Oh, my god, did you change? [She has changed her clothes to a yellow dress already.]
Jeanine Pirro: And this magnificent president is the one to lead the charge. Oh, have you seen him up there during these press conferences? Oh, mama. I just want to hide inside a 12 piece bucket of chicken and let him eat me alive.
[Some glitches appear on Jeanine Pirro’s side.]
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you having trouble with the Zoom?
Jeanine Pirro: You’re young. Tell me, is your computer supposed to say, “Please stop screaming?”
Colin Jost: I don’t think so. No. So, I’m sorry, you’re hoping we can just open up and take our chances? [Jeanine Pirro’s side blacks out.] We lost you again.
Jeanine Pirro: That’s the plan, Kemosabe! [When she appears back, she has combat bandanna on her forehead and has put on black marks on her face. Looks like she’s in the jungle.]
Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Where are you?
Jeanine Pirro: Never mind, Anglie. This economy is a buttet train and it doesn’t stop for the weak. So, buy a ticket or get the hell out of th way. Toot-toot! [she’s drinking drink out of a coconut shell.]
Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Jeanine, what are you drinking now?
Jeanine Pirro: Oh, this? It’s called Pina Cloraxa. It’s pineapple juice, coconut milk and a half cup of bleach. And not the bottof shelf kind that they use on truck stop toilets. The good stuff. [takes a sip] Ooh, that’s cleansing. I can feel it in my chest.
Colin Jost: Jeanine, I hope you know that drinking bleach could kill you.
Jeanine Pirro: What?
[Jeanine Pirro throws the coconut shell away. Somehow the coconut shell hits Colin Jost’s head and the drink pours on his hair.]
Colin Jost: How did you do that?
Jeanine Pirro: I live in the upside-down, Ansley.
Colin Jost: Dammit! Jeanine Pirro, everyone. Oh my god! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: Dammit!
