Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jeffrey Toobin at right top corner.]
Michael Che: New Yorker reporter Jeffrey Toobin has been suspended after getting caught masturbating on a Zoom call. And he’s from the New Yorker, so you know that jerk was dry as hell.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]
[Colin Jost laughing out loud]
Whatever, man. I stand by it.
Colin Jost: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell seen here after physically fighting with death, did not answer questions about bruises and bandages seen on his face and hand saying there were no concerns. By the way, ‘no concerns’ is what McConnell whispers when he sees a baby stroller rolling down hill into on coming traffic.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Popeyes chicken at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Oh, man! Popeyes chicken announced that they’re bringing back cajun style turkeys for thanksgiving. It’s a red piece of good news for people who spent thanksgiving at Popeyes.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Nasa logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Nasa has announced plans to put a full 4G cellphone network on the moon. While AT&T has announced plans to put almost two bars on your earth phone.
[Picture changes to Elton John]
Mattel announced plans for an Elton John themed barbie doll. “Finally”, said Ken. [Picture changes to the Ken doll]
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Phil Collins at left top corner.]
Michael Che: The ex wife of singer Phil Collins has allegedly occupied their Miami mansion and hired armed guards to protect it. In the mean time, Collins is staying at a nearby stu-stu-studio apartment.
[picture changes to a boar]
Residents in Rome are upset after a wild boar and her six piglets were killed on a playground near the Vatican. But it’s like they say, nothing good ever happens on a playground near the Vatican. Thank you.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a clock at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: German researchers have recorded the shortest interval of time for an even to begin and end. The event finished so quickly, scientists have named it “Che”. [Picture changes to Michael Che.]
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Nelly at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Rapper Nelly will be appearing on a new line of Budweiser cans, right under the word ‘missing’.
