Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Christmas decoration at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Melania Trump revealed that the theme of this year’s White House Christmas decoration is “America the beautiful” which is a big change from her previous theme “Eyes wide shut.” [picture changes to Melania Trump’s last year’s decoration.] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a moon at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: This week, there was a full moon known as the beaver moon, which can be seen about a month after a waxing moon.
Michael Che: That’s a goo joke.[picture changes to a picture of Hamilton show]
Colin Jost: Insiders are saying that producers for the broadway hit Hamilton are planning to reopen the show on July 4th. Hopefully with some god damn white actors this tome![Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Drake and a candle at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Drake has released a line of scented candles that smell like him. And unfortunately, so had DJ Khaled.[Picture changes to a news articles saying ‘Doctor removes magnetic beads from 5 year old.]
Doctors in China removed more than a 120 magnetic beads swallowed by a 5 year old boy. Wow. Wait till his boss at the factory hears about this.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a horse at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Firefighters in Florida rescued a horse that fell into a septic tank and was nearly submerged in raw sewage. A horse submerged in raw sewage is also known as an Arby’s Beef N’ Cheddar. [picture changes to Arby’s burger] [Cut to Arby’s commercial]
Male voice: Arby’s, we eat the horse.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]
Michael Che: 102 year old woman from New York who survived the 1918 Spanish flu has now beat coronavirus twice. But sadly, she was no match for my car.
Colin Jost: The world’s deepest swimming pool has opened in Poland. Even more amazing, it’s above ground.