Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. He’s wearing a snapback and has unbuttoned his collar. There’s a picture of new Phillies Mascot.]
Michael Che: The Philadelphia Phillies unveiled the new design for their team masco, the Philly fanatic. While Houston Astros have revealed their new mascot, Chitty the Camera. [looking at Colin Jost and holding his whisky glass] Hey, Chitty, it’s good.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Donald Trump Jr. and a bear at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Donald Trump Jr. has received a permit to hunt and kill a grizzly bear in Alaska. Not to be outdone, [Picture changes to Eric Trump] Eric Trump made a trap to catch a Charmin bears. [Picture changes to a trap used for insects. The bait is a toilet roll.]
[Picture changes to a news article that says “4-year-old finds meth in library book.”]
Florida police are investigating after a 4-year-old boy found meth inside a library book. The book was of course, “The very twitchy catterpillar.”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an event promo at right top corner.]
20,000 high school students in New York city got to see the cast of the broadway hit “To kill a mocking bird” performed at Madison Square Garden. And no surprise, the cast beat the Knicks by 25 points.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “Non-Costco members barred from food court” at left top corner.”
Colin Jost: Costco announced that it will start enforcing a policy that bans non-members from eating in their food courts. So, if you’re looking for a new low point in your life, try getting dragged out of Costco foodcourt.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a while male with Christian cross painted on his forehead in black at right top corner.]
Michael Che: This Wednesday was Ash Wednesday. The one day a year Catholics are allowed to do a little bit of black face.
Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Catholic.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.
