Colin Jost
Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]Colin Jost: President Trump said he’s moving forward with legal challenges to vote counter cross the country. Here to comment is the man leading the chart, his personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani.
[Rudy Giuliani slides in] [cheers and applause]Rudy Giuliani: Wow! Wow! Wow! Look at that. If it ain’t De Blasio and Dinkins. Hello.
Colin Jost: Hi. Yeah. I get it. Hi, Rudy. Thanks so much for being here.
Rudy Giuliani: Yeah. Good times. Did you see my press conference today? It was at the Four Seasons. Fancy.
Colin Jost: Yeah. It sounds fancy but it was at a landscaping company called Four Seasons. Was that a mistake?
Rudy Giuliani: What? No. Anyway, I’m glad I made it to the show on time because first I went to 30 rocks. That’s a granite quarry in new Rochelle. What a night.
Colin Jost: Okay. Rudy. So, the president said he will be mounting some legal challenges to a lot of the votes out there. What is your strategy to do that?
Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Listen, man. I got tons of strategies, okay? First, we’re going to throw out bogus mail in ballots. Colin, these ballots, they could be coming from Mars.
Colin Jost: Right. Yes. That is a real thing that you really did say.
Rudy Giuliani: That’s right. So, we’re going to demand that we look at all the names. If the name is Meatthorpe Zandar and the address is Mars, we’re gonna get those ballots thrown out. Plus, we got no idea if they really are ballots. They might be tortillas. We’re going to eat them and see if they’re tortillas. If my butt blows after I eat it, you know that’s a tortillas.
Colin Jost: That sounds like a great process. Now, your team, they want to get more poll watchers in there to make sure they’re counting is happening correctly.
Rudy Giuliani: Exactly. We’re going to go in there. We’re going to get our poll watchers so close, we’re going to get this close. [Rudy Giuliani climbs on Colin Jost’s chair] See? This is legally close. Nuts on back, that’s where a poll watcher out to be.
Colin Jost: Why are they so hot? Aside from the count, what actual legal recourse do you have to challenge these results?
Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Listen to this. In Michigan, we demanded a recount. In Wisconsin, we have demanded a de-count. We call back season in Nevada, we got safety in Arizona and in Georgia, opposite day. Plus, we’re going to demand that I do the recount personally and our silver bullet is, I can’t count very high. Also, we’re suing all the states we lost.
Colin Jost: You’re suing all the states? For what?
Rudy Giuliani: I don’t know. Child support? Man slaughter? I don’t know.
Colin Jost: Rudy. I gotta say. It just sounds like Trump got fewer votes which is what pollsters predicted.
Rudy Giuliani: Okay, okay. The pollsters were all lying. Pollsters get paid to lie to people. They’re always saying like, “Hey, baby. I’m cinnamon, but my real name is Britney. Shh. Don’t tell them I told you.” And then you find out her name ain’t Britney.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you talking about strippers?
Rudy Giuliani: Yes. Strippers. Pollsters. What do you call them?
Colin Jost: Look. I know it’s hard for you to talk about this but you lost. So what is your plan– [Rudy Giuliani puts his head on the table] Rudy, what is your plan next just for yourself?
Rudy Giuliani: Listen to me. I will be fine. I always land on my feet up side down from the ceiling. I will move back to the city that made me. Hey, New York, daddy’s home. You miss me?
[he gets hit by a cabbage]Oh, salad? It’s that famous New York lettuce. God, I love this town. Anyway, I gotta go. I’m off to the Peninsula.
Colin Jost: Oh, Peninsula, the hotel?
Rudy Giuliani: No. The Yucatan. You never saw me.
Colin Jost: Rugy Giuliani, everyone.
Rudy Giuliani: Taxi?
Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.
