Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Micahel Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
Guys, I got to be honest. I’m beginning to think that Donald Trump didn’t win this election. This week the supreme court dismissed two different Trump law suits to overturn the election results. They were the first rulings by the supreme court that were just the eye-roll emoji. Don’t worry, Trump isn’t throwing in the towel because he has been a fighter his whole life. At least that’s what it looks like on his brain scans. [Picture changes to a brain scan with many injuries.] I just love how the media telling us, “Okay, this time it’s over.” Nothing is ever over as long as Donald Trump can make money off it. Even when he dies, his tombstone is just going to have his Venmo info. Also, he’s a billionaire and he keeps asking his supporters for $5. Isn’t that just sad? It’s like saying “For the price of a cup of coffee a day, you can help a desperate old man pretend he’s still president.”
Micahel Che: Yes, that’s sweet. The Texas lawsuit asked the supreme court to invalidate election results in four other states, which is a plan so crazy only Texas would try to execute it. many black doctors are saying that they are having a hard time convincing their patience to take the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, which is weird because Moderna vaccine is my favorite Tyler Perry character.
Colin Jost: President elect Joe Biden has emphasized his commitment to vaccine distribution by promising 100 million shots in 100 days, which is also his botox routine. Biden probably would have gotten those doses to us sooner, but Trump administration rejected several opportunities to acquire an additional 100 million doses of of the Pfizer vaccine. Why? Who at any point this year thought, “We have too much vaccine?” What the hell are you priority? You don’t have a money for life saving vaccines but you can start up a space army? It’s like the captain of the Titanic while it’s going down saying, “You guys want to start a space army?”
Micahel Che: Insiders are saying that Attorney General and all grown up Eric Cartman [from South Park] , William Barr is considering resigning after a contentious meeting with president Trump because if there’s one thing Bill Barr won’t stand for, it’s more than a few minutes at a time.