Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: President Trump held a press conference today to educate the public about the Corona virus but I’m not sure it worked because according to a new survey, 38% of Americans say they won’t drink Corona beer because it sounds like Corona virus. While the rest won’t drink it because it tastes like syphilis. Donald Trump is the worst person to possibly ease people’s fears. Trump’s whole thing is that he whips arenas into a frenzy of anger and bloodlust. Hoping Trump can calm people down is like hoping cocaine can fight insomnia. And I don’t really trust Trump on medical issues because remember, this is what he had to say about Ebola.[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]
Donald Trump: This is a much different problem than Ebola. Ebola, you disintegrated. You got Ebola, that was it.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: You disintegrated? Does he think that Thanos was named Ebola? Then on his way to a rally where he would meet with thousands of untested people in an enclosed space, Trump explained his plan like this.
Donald Trump: We’re ordering a lot of different elements of medical. As you know, they’re working as rapidly as they can. Order vaccine for the future. And with that, I think I can head out.[Cut to Colin Jost.]
Colin Jost: You think you can head out? I’m not sure coz you didn’t tell us anything. He said, “We’re ordering different elements of medical,” which I guarantee you he thinks is fire, earth, wind and water. And now scientists estimate that the mortality rate from the Corona virus is around 2%, which sounds pretty bad, but honestly if you’d given me only a 2% chance of dying during Trump’s first term, I would have taken that in a heartbeat.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article about Corona virus at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Man, I don’t want to make jokes about this Corona virus. And not because it’s too sad but because I don’t know that I don’t have it yet. And if I do have it, the internet’s gonna play this clip of me making fun of it over and over again. As they should, coz that’d be hilarious. Imagine if there’s a video of a crocodile hunter making fun of sting rays. I mean, what if this is it? What if this is–? This is not how I want to be remembered. Sitting here, pretending that I care for politics, wearing this fancy tie. Like, I don’t need this. [Michael Che takes his clip-on tie off.] I mean, why am I hiding my drinking problem? [Michael Che takes a glass of whiskey and drinks it.] You know, I just found out that i might have a kid.[Cut to Colin Jost looking at Michael Che in shock. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and stock-market diagram at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The stock market this week posted it’s largest point loss in history which a lot of people are referring to as ‘the Trump Slump.’ And by ‘a lot of people,’ I mean me. The same way when Trump says, “a lot of people are saying something,” he just means he is. Now, these people are coming up and saying Trump Slump and everyone’s talking about this Trump Slump and how there is a Trump Slump, and I can’t even talk about Trump Slump without someone come up to me and like, “How about this Trump Slump?” Anyway, that’s the economy.[Cut to Michael Che. He is drinking and is wearing a snapback. There’s a picture of Donald Trump, Mike Pence and Corona virus at right top corner.]
Michael Che: I mean how could this possibly end well for us? Trump put Mike Pence in charge. Mike Pence! I don’t know what Mike Pence’s plan is but it’s probably the same as that guy who had to give evian water for five cents. Now, my grandmother was right, Colin. She warned me. I remember she used to sit me down and rock back in her chair and she’d say, “Baby, you listen to me good. Don’t you bring no white girl home.” And then after that, she’d say, “We are living in our last days.” And I just thought she was old and crazy. Coz I mean, no white girls? I work in a show business. That’s unrealistic.
By the way, Americans, stop making fun of the Chinese fetish of virus, okay? Okay? I’m sure they may have some interesting choices in edible meats. But don’t act like Americans are any better. I mean, we just stopped eating Tide pods like two years ago.
I feel free.
Colin Jost: And well, we’re still five weeks away from Easter but earlier tonight, a man came back from the dead. [Picture changes to Joe Biden. There’s written “Biden wins South Carolina primary.”] Joe Biden won the South Carolina presidential primary just hours ago but in keeping with South Carolina tradition, the losers will get statues. [Picture changes to Wade Hampton statue.] [Picture changes to Mike Bloomberg]
Mike Bloomberg is reportedly spending a record, $3.5 million buying ads in black media. So, get ready for Tyler Perry’s “Medea Goes To MikeBloomberg.com.”[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]
And Hillary Clinton has announced that she’s starting a podcast. And okay, now I do think we should lock her up.[Michael Che laughing]