Brian… Alex Moffat
Crystal… Heidi Gardner
Kevin… Chris Redd
Henriette… Aidy Bryant
Nan… Kate McKinnon[Starts with Mike taking a video in his house]
Mike: Hey, everybody. Hi.[Cut to a Zoom conference call. There are six participants including Henriette, Kevin, Crystal, Brian and Nan.]
All: Hey, hello.
Mike: Welcome to Sales Corp Industry’s first Zoom call. This is how we’re going to be doing meetings now. So we wanted to get everyone acquainted with the program, with a little Zoom tutorial. On the call today, we got Brian from sales.
Brian: Oh, man. So good to see you everybody. At a safe distance that is. Ha-ha-ha.
Mike: Ha-ha. Yeah. Um, we got Crystal from market research.
Crystal: Hey. Sorry, my place is such a wreck.
Mike: Na, that’s perfect. We got Kevin from research.
Kevin: Yo, any of y’all wearing pants? Be honest now. Ha-ha. Zoom is fun.
Mike: Oh-oh. It is. It is. And of course, Henriette and Nan, our fun receptionists.
Henriette: Yeah. It is. Yes. We just work the phones normally. So, we’re gonna see.
Nan: Hah! Hello. Hello. I got an email address for this.
Mike: Um, that’s great. We’re glad to have you. You guys will be just fine. Zoom has different layouts. So, go ahead and play around with the view on your screen while we chat. Anybody up to anything fun at home?
Brian: Well, mainly like a lot of my cat looking at me like, “Um, shouldn’t you be at work?”
Crystal: Hah, I know. My dogs are so happy right now. I take them on, like, 12 walks a day.
Kevin: Does anyone else fully hate their kids? Ha-ha.
Henriette: Ha-ha-ha. [Henriette has her mouth near to camera. We can’t see her full face.] And for me it’s been reevaluating which of my mugs I think are the funnies. Ha-ha. Okay. Now this isn’t right, is it?
Nan: Yes. And I recorded my own commentary for a dog’s purpose. I think this is not right.
Mike: You just don’t need to be so close to the camera.
Henriette: Okay. Well, I’ve been calling into QVC [moving the camera around, now we can only see her legs] telling them how good of a job I think that they’re doing.
Mike: Just reset the camera.
Nan: Okay. Like this? [Wayne Brady’s picture replaces Nan’s video] Did I activate Zoom?
Mike: No. You turned it off. And it looks like your avatar is a picture of Wayne Brady? Henriette and Nan, guys, just point the camera at you and just leave it be.[Nan and Henriette start crying]
Henriette: [sobbing] We’re sorry.
Nan: [sobbing]We’re not cut out for this.
Henriette: [sobbing]I thought this computer only did solitaire.
Nan: [sobbing]We ruined the Zoom.
Mike: No, no, no. Guys, hey, don’t cry. No one ruined the Zoom. We’re all learning here, okay? Why don’t I jus show you guys some of the other cool features it has, okay? Like, there’s virtual background. Even though you’re at home, you can change the background to a beach or wherever you’d most like to be.[Henriette gets a picture of ‘The Good Doctor’ as her background]
Henriette: This is my beach. It’s the only file I have on my computer and it is my favorite doctor.
Mike: The poster from ‘The Good Doctor?’
Henriette: He’s a doctor but he’s different.
Mike: Okay. Yeah. You can also share your screen down here.
Nan: Oh, wow.
Mike: Either your desktop or an application.
Nan: Okay, am I doing it? I was going for desktop. What part of my screen are you seeing?
Mikey: We’re seeing a Google search that says, “Siri, is my daughter pregnant?”
Henriette: Okay. But I was wondering. [Henriette is walking in her house] If a hacker gets a hold of Zoom, what can I tell? [Henriette walks into the bathroom and puts her laptop on the floor.]
Mikey: Oh, no. [Henriette closes the bathroom door.] No, no, no, no. Please don’t bring it into the bathroom. We can see you always.
Henriette: Oh. I didn’t know.
Nan: [covering her face with her sweater] Okay, my screen is dark again. Darn it.
Mike: No. Don’t take your clothes off, Nan. No, no, no, no. Don’t take your clothes off. Oh, my god. No, don’t. Stop. Both of you. I’m sorry to do this guys. Just please stop. Please.[Henriette starts crying on her bed]
Henriette: [sobbing] I’m bad news.
Nan: [sobbing]I’m from hell.
Henriette: [sobbing]I just found out I’m supposed to tip waiters.
Nan: [sobbing]I found out that I’m wearing my shoes on the wrong feet.
Mike: Okay, Henriette, Nan, don’t be so hard on yourselves. Guys, this technology is new. You’re staying home. I’m sure you’re great at that.
Henriette: [sobbing] No, I’m not.
Nan: [sobbing] I’ve never used soap before.
Henriette: [sobbing] I used my license as toilet paper and now I don’t know my own birthday.
Mike: Okay. That’s probably enough.
Nan: [sobbing] My husband says I can only use one sheet of toilet paper, but I need three to get all the dukie out.
Henriette: [sobbing] If I can’t kiss my kids on the mouth, I’m gonna hurt an animal.
Nan: [sobbing] I tried to clean my ass in the middle of the night with the hose in the driveway and I went viral.
Mike: Okay. You know what? Let’s call it. Henriette and Nan, we don’t need you to be on any Zoom calls.
Henriette: Thank god.
Nan: Oh, wonderful. Okay.
Kevin: Hey, um, does anybody knows where I can find Nan’s hose video?
Brian: Yeah, I’ll send it to everybody.
Kevin: Thanks brother.
Mike: Oh, thank you.
Nan: Thanks, guys.