Pastor… Pastor Thompson
Sister Johnson… Sister Johnson Nwodim
Melissa Thayer… Melissa Thayer Strong
Latrell J. … Latrell J. Redd
[Starts with Mount Methuselah Tower of Prayer Baptist Church video bumper.] [Cut to Pastor in his home.]Pastor: Alright, praise the lord and welcome back to the Mount Methuselah Tower of Prayer Baptist Church Mother’s Day service. I see a large congregation logged into the Zoom machine. Much more than last service. Amen.
All: Amen.
Pastor: Okay. I just want to send a friendly reminder to everybody to mute yourselves during the service, alright? Because the way that the Zoom machine works is that every mic is as loud as mine. So, when y’all respond, I can’t really hear myself preach, amen.
All: Amen.
Pastor: I can hear y’all agreeing which mean that you’re not taking the note because it’s still very, very loud. Alright? So, how about nobody say amen after I say amen, amen.
All: Amen.
Pastor: Yes, I can see this might be a longer than usual four hours service. When the bible speaks about motherhood–
[The kids are making noise]Sister Johnson: Sit your little asses down and be quiet. We in church.
Pastor: I see sister Johnson’s mic is definitely still on. Sister Johnson? Sister Johnson, we can all hear you through the machine.
Sister Johnson: [to the kids] Y’all see that? The pastor can hear y’all. You’re ruining church.
Pastor: No. I hear you, sister Johnson. Everybody else is on mute. Amen.
All: Amen.
Pastor: Why are y’all still not in mute? And who’s got the TV on?
Melissa Thayer: Oh, that’s just my James. He’s watching dang sports center. Is it too loud?
Pastor: Yes.
Melissa Thayer: Hold on. James, can you turn it down? Is that better? Can you hear it?
Pastor: Nothing has changed. Look, just everybody, mute yourselves. Amen?
All: Amen.
Pastor: Why ain’t you doing it?
Latrell J.: Pastor’s having a hard time hearing y’all. So, we’re going to go straight to Amazing Grace.
Pastor: Latrell, boy I can hear you whisper it. Why aren’t you on mute?
Latrell J.: Coz I still have to direct a choir, pastor.
Pastor: Well, then just text them. Alright, I’m hearing myself echo which means some of y’all got your machines way up too loud. And it’s bleeding into my end. Amen?
All: Praise god. Amen.
Pastor: Stop answering me. Okay? The lord wants everybody to click on that little microphone with the red line through it and when it says ‘Mute?’, press yes, amen?
All: Amen. Praise the lord.
[They all mute themselves.]Pastor: Yes. You did it. Oh, thank you. Now, can I get through this service in peace, amen? Sister Johnson? Nobody? Alright. Well, choir, I guess we should just go to Amazing Grace. Can anybody hear? [Latrell J. is doing managing the choir] I can’t hear a damn thing. Man, this sucks.
