Maurice… Bowen Yang
Kenny… Kyle Mooney
Fliona… Regina King
Maxine… Aidy Bryant
Mickey… Kenan Thompson
Marty… Andrew Dismukes
[Starts with two guys talking about the show in the studio back stage. It’s in Chicago, 1978.]Maurice: Alright, Kenny. We have to make sure everything is perfect for Fliona show tonight. My job is the line. I have 14 strikes against me. And it’s 15 strikes system.
Kenny: Sounds complicated.
Maurice: Well, she’s very particular.
Kenny: Well, I’ve heard. Everyone has heard of Fliona.
Maurice: Shut up. Here she comes now. Go.
[Fliona walks in]Fliona: Maurice, you have to got to get us a new tour bus driver. He tried to tell me about his family.
Maurice: I’m sorry, Fliona. That’s the last snafu of the night, I promise.
Fliona: Well good, coz I’m going to be doing all my moves tonight. The seatbelt, the funky turtle, the reach-around. So everything has got to be perfect. And dammit, I’m hungry.
Maurice: Well mama, it’s all good because I sent them your ride a weeks ago. And they got every snack on your list.
Fliona: Good. So they got my yellow M&Ms?
Maurice: No, they do not.
Fliona: What? What did they get? My Danishes?
Maurice: No.
Fliona: My big pizzas?
Maurice: No.
Fliona: Little pizzas?
Maurice: No.
Fliona: Shasta?
Maurice: No shasta.
Fliona: Sanka?
Maurice: No sanka.
Fliona: Cocuts?
Maurice: No.
Fliona: Hot chops?
Maurice: No.
Fliona: Baby carrot?
Maurice: No.
Fliona: Grown carrot?
Maurice: No.
Fliona: What about my tuna twist?
Maurice: No.
Fliona: Well, I know they got my big ham sandwich. But the ham is cue?
Maurice: Fliona, none of the food is here, Fliona.
Fliona: Well, what do they have?
Maurice: This tiny dry salad.
Fliona: Undressed? [Fliona slaps Maurice] Dammit, Maurice. I can’t have a repeat of Tucson. They forgot my shasta and my vocal cords are locked.
Maurice: I remember, Fliona. You know what? Let’s get you into hair and make up while I make this right. Maxine’s here. She’s all set up.
Maxine: Yep, I got everything on the list, Maurice sent me.
Fliona: Everything?
Maxine: Everything.
Maurice: So you got the afro-sheen?
Maxine: Don’t got it.
Maurice: Curl sticks?
Maxine: No.
Maurice: Curl cream?
Maxine: Nah-ah.
Maurice: Bobby pins?
Maxine: No.
Maurice: Shiny for lip?
Maxine: No way.
Maurice: Shiny for eye?
Maxine: No how.
Maurice: Shiny for cheek bone.
Maxine: Never.
Maurice: Okay, vaseline?
Maxine: Forgot.
Maurice: Aquanet?
Maxine: Forget.
Maurice: El-net?
Maxine: That’s what?
Maurice: Mascara?
Maxine: No ma’am.
Maurice: Perfume?
Maxine: I’ll give you one guess.
Fliona: Well, what did you bring, girl?
Maxine: A little brush.
Fliona: Dammit, Maxine. Slap Mourice. [Maxine slaps Fliona and runs out.] Maurice, this is feeling like Tucson all over again. And you know I wasn’t nominated for Disco Grammy this year.
Maurice: I know, Fliona. Will you feel better if you slap me again?
Fliona: Yes.
[Fliona slaps Maurice three times] [Mickey and Marty walk in. They are wearing leather jackets and are carrying guitars.]Mickey: Ay, is this a bad time? I heard people are getting smacked in here.
Maurice: Fliona, this is Mickey and Marty. They’re the band for tonight.
Marty: It’s an honor to meet you, Ms. Fliona. We’re huge fans of your’s.
Fliona: Good. So, you must know all my songs. Right?
Mickey: Oh yeah, every one of them.
Fliona: “Disco Twilight”?
Mickey: No.
Fliona: “Hot Band’s Child”?
Mickey: No.
Fliona: “Nasty Christmas”?
Mickey: No.
Fliona: What about “Beep Beep Hoo Hah It’s Me”?
Mickey: No.
Fliona: “Beep Beep Ho Hey Look It’s Charice”?
Mickey: That one sounds familiar but no.
Fliona: Maurice, you are this close to strike 15.
Maurice: Well, you know what? Let’s just set up and we’ll teach the songs. Mickey, you brought the xylophone, right?
Mickey: You know I didn’t.
Maurice: Metronome?
Mickey: You know I won’t.
Maurice: Gramaphone?
Mickey: That’s an old sounding record player.
Maurice: Flute?
Mickey: I play bass.
Maurice: Fute?
Mickey: I play bass.
Maurice: Didgeridoo?
Mickey: What’s that?
Maurice: Flerdigurdi?
Mickey: You making fun of me?
Maurice: Theremin?
Mickey: If you get a cut on your leg, put some feramin on it.
Maurice: Kalimba?
Mickey: Who?
Maurice: Flier?
Mickey: You are.
Maurice: Maraca?
Mickey: Absolutely not.
Maurice: Just ready the drums.
Mickey: Yeah, I got those.
Maurice: Well great, where are they?
Mickey: Oh, you want them here?
Fliona: Well, what did you bring?
Marty: We brought bass and two amps.
Fliona: Dammit Maurice. [Mickey punches Maurice] Thank you, baby.
Mickey: No problem.
Maurice: Wait! You know what, Fliona? You don’t need all this stuff. Everything you need is inside of you. Baby, you’ve got it.
Fliona: You mean I’ve got talent?
Maurice: Yes.
Fliona: Style?
Maurice: Yes.
Fliona: Pretty arms?
Maurice: Yes.
Fliona: And then ass higher than Mount Kilimanjaro?
Maurice: Oh, yes.
Fliona: Okay, boys. Then let’s disco do this gig.
Kenny: Fliona, baby. You gotta go out there and do you thing. Anyone who’s anyone is in the crowd tonight.
Fliona: Who? Lil’ Jimmy?
Kenny: Yeah, Jimmy’s here.
Fliona: Really? What about Cletus Jones?
Kenny: No.
Fliona: John Wayne Brady?
Kenny: No.
Fliona: Mrs. Perkins?
Kenny: No.
Fliona: Pastor Chris?
Kenny: No.
Fliona: Rabbi Shmooly?
Kenny: No.
Fliona: Fliona?
Kenny: No.
Fliona: See? That’s me. I tricked you.
Kenny: Oh!
