Billie Eilish Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Billie Eilish.

[Billie Eilish walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Billie Eilish: Oh my god. Thank you guys. Hi. How are you doing? I am so excited to be here. My name is Billie Eilish. Thank you. If you don’t know me from my music, you may know me from my hair or my clothes. That is why I decided to dress like Mrs. Claus going to the club. But actually, no, I am only wearing this because after the show, I got to go get married in an anime. Some people wonder why I started wearing baggy clothes. There was actually a good reason. So, it wasn’t just for comfort, or for style. This is hard to say for me. But the real reason I wore big oversized clothes back then is I was actually two kids stacked on top of each other trying to sneak into an R rated movie.

It is so, so great to be back here at SNL. I was the musical guest a couple years ago. But I would never ever think that I would ever host ever. In fact, I used to say that I hated acting. But the truth is when I was little, I loved it. My mom and dad were both actors. So, was my brother Finneas. And it was my dream to be in a movie. And I remember when that dream died. I was nine. And my mom wrote a film inspired by her life. Literally, this is true. She cast my brother Finneas as her son. She played the mom. And in the movie, she had no daughter. So yeah, I got the hint.

I’m kidding. My mom is my best friend. She’s here. I know that you don’t love Finneas more than me. I know that.

[Billie’s mom walks in. He’s Wearing Finneas’ mom t-shirt.]

Mom: I love you, honey.

[She walks out]

Billie Eilish: I love my mom. But that is true. It is so special to be hosting in December. Not only do I love Christmas, and oh my god, it’s so beautiful here in Christmas. Not only do I love Christmas, but my birthday is one week from today. I am turning 20 or as the internet calls that middle aged. But I am actually really excited to get older because I am just now starting to understand who I actually am as a person. And the scary thing about growing up in the public eye is people just decide that everything you say and do and look like is who you are forever. It’s not fair. Would you want to be judged by the way you presented yourself when you’re 16? No. Imagine being current day Colin Jost, and the first thing that comes up when you google yourself is 16 year old Colin Jost. [a picture of young Colin Jost appears on the screen] Yikes. Seen here watching other people go to prom.

But the point is, it takes time and effort to accept who you really are. You’ll be so happy that you did. I spent a lot of years pretending to be somebody that I’m not. Basically acting. And somebody wise once told me, “Billie, you should never ever act.” That person was my mom.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. I am here so stick around and we’ll be right back.

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