Sheriff… John Krasinski
Lee… Pete Davidson
Ms. Crystal… Aidy Bryant
William… Beck Benett
Biscuit… Kenan Thompson
Jimmy… Andrew Dismukes
Alex Moffatt
Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with Blue Georgia intro]Song: Blue Georgia, sweet Blue Georgia
you’re a friend of mine.
Sheriff: Hey there, Ms. Crystal.
Ms. Crystal: Oh, Sheriff. Ain’t you a side?
Sheriff: I just wanted to stop by so you all can meet my cousin, Lee, from out of town.
Ms. Crystal: Well, look at you. Where are you coming from, Lee?
Lee: New York city.
Ms. Crystal: New York city? Well, welcome. Good to see you fellow blue stator. We’re just like y’all.
Lee: I mean, I doin’t know if you’re just like us.
Sheriff: Oh, no. We bet we are. See, Georgia is all blue now. Maybe heard about our election on the news?
Ms. Crystal: Oh, yes. Don’t get me started on the news. I can’t stand that CNN with it’s corporate, neo-liberal, both-sides nonsense. Just give me my Rachel Maddow on MSNBC any day.
Sheriff: A-women to that, Ms. Crystal.
Lee: Okay.
Ms. Crystal: Well so, what are y’all having?
Lee: Well, I heard a lot about southern food, so just give me the special.
Ms. Crystal: Okay, you got it. One avocado, one gluten free toast.
Sheriff: And I’ll have your beyond meat loaf.
Ms. Crystal: Got it.
[Sheriff and Lee sit at a table. There’s William sitting right there.]William: Sit down, Sheriff. My name is William He-him, but everyone calls me Skeeter.
Sheriff: Skeeter owns the electric truck dealership down yonder.
Ms. Crystal: Yeah, and I’m Crystal. She-ma’am.
Sheriff: And over there is old Biscuit He-him. Down to some good read there, Biscuit?
Biscuit: Oh, yes indeed. Just reading from the good book “Becoming” by Michelle Obama.
Sheriff: Ain’t that a good book? I tell you, ain’t nothing finer than reading on your solar heated porch, sipping lemonade through a reusable metal straw.
Lee: Hey, before we eat, I should wash my hands. You know where the men’s room is?
William: Yes, back in 2015. We don’t have men’s room. But all-gender restroom is just down the way.
Lee: Oh. You guys have all-gender restroom?
William: Oh-oh, Sheriff, I think your cousin thinks we’re all crazy Christian types.
Lee: No, no. I never said that. Even if you, it’s fine. I mean, I’m Jewish.
William: Hold on. You’re Jewish?
Lee: Yeah.
William: Well, I hope you know what we do to Jewish folks down here in Georgia. We elect them. Ha-ha-ha.
Sheriff: Yeah. I don’t know if you heard but we got a 33 year old Jewish senator now. Mazel tov, y’all.
Ms. Crystal: Wow, that Ossoff fellow makes these cheeks a-blush.
Sheriff: Ms. Crystal!
Lee: Where am I?
[Another policeman walks in]Jimmy: Sheriff! Sheriff!
Sheriff: Now, slow down there, Jimmy. What seems to be the big emergency?
Jimmy: Oh, Sheriff, it was crazy. All these black lives matter folks just came down to the station and wanted to protest in our town. Well, I was just so honored. I filled the permits right away.
Sheriff: Well, that’s mighty kind of you, Jimmy. Tell them they can stop by next week.
Jimmy: Will do. I’m so nervous. Should I wear my bla-shiki?
Sheriff: Now, wouldn’t go doing that, Jimmy. See, you might be appropriate.
[Alex walks in with his MAGA hat on and takes a seat.]Ms. Crystal: [getting nervous] Well, I never!
[Sheriff walks to Alex]Sheriff: Excuse me. You lost?
Alex: Um, no. Just want to get something to eat. I’m here from Florida.
Ms. Crystal: Oh!
William: Well, la-di-da!
Sheriff: Sir, I don’t know what they’re teaching over there in Florida, but this here is Georgia. This is Stacey Abrams’ country.
Biscuit: The republic of Stankonia.
William: Birth place of REM and TLC.
Sheriff: Sir, why don’t you let Jimmy here drive you to the state line before any trouble starts.
Alex: Trouble? Don’t bother, I’ll see myself out. [walks to the door and looks back at everybody] Ay, what happened to y’all anyway? Georgia has changed.
Biscuit: Yeah, science is real and love is love. Tell us something we don’t know, sucker!
[Melissa walks in]Melissa: Excuse me. I’m from the health department. You’ve got a big problem. No one in this entire town is wearing a mask.
Ms. Crystal: Well, that’s coz we’re free!
Jimmy: Hoax!
Lee: Now, that’s Georgia.
