Brad Herman… Kieran Culkin
Mateus… Mikey Day
Tanya… Aidy Bryant
Donna… Ego Nwodim
Tina… Heidi Gardner
Adam… Kyle Mooney
Marcy… Melissa Villaseñor
Spectrum… Bowen Yang[Starts with Brad Herman packing things up. His phone is ringing.]
Brad Herman: [answering the phone] Yes, hello.
Female voice: This is a callback request from spectrum cable. Please hold for a representative.
Mateus: Hi there. This is Mateus with spectrum cable. Is this Brad Herman.
Brad Herman: Yeah. Hi.
Mateus: Hi. And what can I help you with today, Mr. Herman?
Brad Herman: I just need to cancel my cable.
Mateus: Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Before we begin, would you like to add a telephone landline to your current package for Brad HermanMateus.99 a month?
Brad Herman: No, I’m good. I just need to cancel the cable. I tried to do it online. But they said I had to call.
Mateus: Of course, Mr. Herman. May I ask the reason for the cancellation?
Brad Herman: My girlfriend and I broke up and I’m moving out.
Mateus: Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Your relationship fell apart, Mr. Herman. Mr. Herman, may I ask the cause of the breakup?
Brad Herman: No, that’s personal.
Mateus: Of course, Mr. Herman. Please write down this reference number in case we get disconnected. Do you have a pen and paper handy?
Brad Herman: No, not really.
Mateus: Wonderful, Mr. Herman. The number is 7-B as in boy, F as in five, G as in 5G, six as n six boys. Thank you. Please hold for a cancellation agent.
Female voice: Your call is important to us and will be answered in the order that we feel like.
Tanya: Hi, this is Tanya. For security purposes, can you tell me the 42 digit customer pin number that came on your first bill?
Brad Herman: My first bill? The one I got six years ago? I don’t have that.
Tanya: Oh, not a problem. We can use one of your security questions. What city did your mom lose her virginity in?
Brad Herman: That’s disgusting. I don’t want to talk about that.
Tanya: Well and that is what you answered. Okay. Alright, so when is a good time for a Spectrum technician to come install your new landline?
Brad Herman: Never I don’t want a landline. I just want to cancel my cable.
Tanya: Of course. I’ll transfer you to cancellations. I’ve been Tanya.
Female voice: Wi Fi trouble? Try unplugging your router and spitting in it.
Donna: This is Donna with Spectrum. Just to confirm it says here you’re looking to pay more money for less channels?
Brad Herman: No Why would I want that?
Donna: I’m not sure sir. That’s why I asked. How dare I, right? Pissing me off. Hold please.
Female voice: Due to higher than normal call volume, your call will not be answered. Goodbye.[dead tone]
Brad Herman: Oh my god! [phone ringing] Yeah, hello.
Tina: Hi, Mr. Herman. This is Tina with Spectrum. How are you this afternoon?
Brad Herman: Honestly not great. How are you?
Tina: [sobbing] I’m not great either, actually. Pretty much falling apart and I’m sorry. Please hold. Thank you for choosing Spectrum.
Female voice: Doing No Nut November? Spectrums got you covered with the selection of sex and nudity free movies on demand.
Brad Herman: No Nut November?
Kenan: Ay, what colors do house man?
Brad Herman: I’m sorry.
Kenan: Yeah, this is the Spectrum tech. I’m on your street to install your landline and I can’t find your house.
Brad Herman: No, I don’t know how this landline thing got started but I do not want one.
Kenan: Oh no, no, it’s too late to change your mind, man. It’s too late.
Female voice: Like basketball, our game day sports upgrade gets you the NBA network and 85 Spanish language soccer channels.
Adam: Hello. Oh hi. My name is Adam and I’m a Customer Service Rep. How are you?
Brad Herman: Not good, you know. I’m very close to being triggered.
Adam: Very cool. Let me pull up your account. The heck? It’s like my computer’s being crazy right now. Let me just connect you to someone else. Sorry about that.[pizza delivery boy answers the phone]
Andrew: Domino’s Pizza. Interested in trying our new Santa bread dippers?
Brad Herman: Domino’s? Are you kidding me? They transfered me to Domino’s?
Andrew: Who? Spectrum? Yeah, they do this all the time. I’ll transfer you to a cancellations rep.
Brad Herman: Oh god, thank you. You’ve honestly been the most competent person I’ve talked to you today.
Andrew: That’s crazy because I’m high as hell.
Female voice: One premium channels without premium prices, not gonna happen. We’d lose a ton of money.
Marcy and Sarah: Hi there, Mr. Herman.
Sarah: [laughing] Oh my god, Marcy. We both answered the same call. Ha-ha.
Marcy: We’re so crazy.
Sarah: Sorry about that. I’ll hop off.
Marcy: Me too.
Brad Herman: Don’t both hop off. No.
Marcy and Sarah: Hold please.
Female voice: Have a question about your bill? Ask your husband to explain it to you.
Brad Herman: Wow.
Mateus: Hi, Mr. Herman. It’s Mateus.
Brad Herman: Dude! Dude! I’m about to lose it, okay? And guess what? It happened? Okay? I am triggered, okay? That’s right. I’m triggered. So, the next person that you transfer me to better have the power to cancel my cable.
Mateus: Are you sure?
Brad Herman: Yes, Brad Herman,000% yes.
Mateus: Very well. I’ll transfer you.[transfers to the AI]
Brad Herman: Yes. Hi, who is this?
Spectrum: I am Spectrum, the source, the Nexus, the provider.
Brad Herman: Okay, can you cancel my cable?
Spectrum: There is nothing I cannot do. For I am made of pure data.
Brad Herman: Great, then cancel my cable.
Spectrum: Can I insist you in six months of free Disney plus?
Brad Herman: No, just cancel it.
Spectrum: As you wish. Enjoy your new spectrum landline.
Brad Herman: No. I’m not getting a landline.[Kenan is standing beside Brad Herman]
Kenan: Yes, you are, man. Where do you want me to put the landline?