Jalissa… Sarah Sherman
Kyle Mooney
Glitter Revolution… Bowen Yang, Kim Kardashian, Aidy Bryant
Kyle: Well, Jalissa, usually interns aren’t allowed to present to the VP of Costco marketing, but I’m excited to hear your ideas.
Jalissa: I won’t let you down, sir. As you know, Costco scales are sky high among middle aged people. But teenagers ever only come to our stores to do kick-flips in the parking lot.
Kyle: Um-hmm. How do we get them to come inside?
Jalissa: Well, here’s what we know. Teens love music. So, we need a pop group that’s going to speak to my generation. Please welcome Glitter Revolution.
[Three members of Glitter Revolution walk in. They’re all dressed up in pink tight clothes.]
Aidy: Hello, Costco. Glitter Revolution is here.
Kyle: So, this is Glitter Revolution?
Kim: Hey, you all corporate freaks.
Bowen: Are you ready to have your khakis explode from the back?
Aidy: We’re a three person bop factory where the smoke stacks go…
All: Hoo-hoo!
Bowen: We are Glitter Revolution.
Kim: And we want to know what the hell is up, Costco?
Kyle: This definitely isn’t the Eagles. But I’m here to learn.
Aidy: Well, thank you warehouse savings legend. Let’s hit it.
[music playing]
Attention Costco shoppers.
Bowen: [singing] Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee
bulk bitches only
peanut brittle in bulk
Aidy: Aquarium rocks in bulk
Kim: Humidifiers in bulk
Aidy: And a can of tuna that’s one foot tall
Bowen: Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee
Aidy: Big bulky bitches
Bowen: Come to the bomb
[They end the song with a pose]
Kyle: Well, our teen customers are gonna absolutely stand this. I close my eyes and I’m seeing Olivia Rodrigo buying bags of beef Wellington.
Jalissa: Exactly. And you won’t believe this but they write all their songs from scratch.
Kyle: Just like the Eagles.
Bowen: That’s right. And we took a little research trip yesterday.
Kim: It was iconic. We sampled Bagel Bites next to a forklift.
Aidy: Yeah. We each got $4 prescription eyeglasses.
Bowen: And yeah, we all bought George W. Bush’s new book.
Kim: And that’s when we realized Costco is such a vibe.
Bowen: This next song is about the famous Costco restaurant.
[music playing]
Aidy: Attention Costco diners.
Bowen: Hey boy, are you hungry?
Kim: Hey boy, chicken caesar
Aidy: Hey boy, got a $1.5
All: Coz you can get me hotdog
Bowen: Yeah, you can get me hotdog
[They end the song with a pose]
Kyle: That’s actually the best song I’ve ever heard.
Aidy: Yeah. It’s such a slay that Kirkland brand can be anything.
Kim: Kirkland brand is deli meat, fleece, water bottles…
Bowen: And yeah, tyres too. Slay car.
Kyle: Glitter Revolution, here’s what I can do. I’d like to offer you a $5 million 10 year contract on one condition. I wanna hear you diss our competitors.
Jalissa: Glitter Revolution, show them the track where you drag Costco’s enemies asses to hell.
Bowen: Hah! Order up, legend. This song is called Flop Shop.
[music playin]
Aidy: Attention Costco rivals, tongue lashing coming for you.
Bowen: Walmart, you’re a flop shop
Kim: Trader Joe’s, you’re a flop shop
Bowen: Amazon is quitting in her boots, bitch
Aidy: Best Buy, get F’ed
Kim: Sam’s Club, go to hell
Aidy: Target, suck a toe
All: Every other store found dead in the ditch
[They end the song with a pose]
[Kyle whispers on Jalissa’s ear]
Jalissa: I’m so sorry, Glitter Revolution. My boss says that after hearing that third track, we cannot give you the $5 million Costco brand deal.
Kyle: Instead, we’re gonna have to give you the $25 million deal.
Bowen: Yeah!
Kyle: By the way, how old are you guys?
Kim: We’re all 15, except for she’s 32 and I’m 30.
Bowen: And I’m 45.
Bowen: [singing] Doo-doo-doo-da-da-da-da-da-dee-dee
bulk bitches only