Dan Levy Monologue

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Dan Levy

Dorine… Aidy Bryant

Eugene Levy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Levy.

[Dan Levy walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Dan: Thank you. Thank you very, very much. I am so honored to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. Somewhere my 13 year old self has fainted in a really needy melodramatic way. Now, the past 12 months have quite literally changed my life in so many ways. Both good and not so good. Some good, people finally started watching our show Schitt’s Creek. And we were fortunate enough to win nine Emmy’s this year. Unbelievable. Beyond dream come true. Though not so good, those Emmy’s were quite literally thrown at us by a stranger in a hazmat suit. The good, I have been getting stopped on the street by all different kinds of people which is new and fun and different. The not so good, those people are mainly screaming “Ew” at me which was the line I wrote for the show that will now haunt me for the rest of my life. But in all seriousness, for all the good and the not so good, I have somehow found myself here on this iconic stage standing in front of all of you, and trust me when I say this, it has only been good here at SNL. It’s as if nothing has changed. Everyone still has that funny, charming sparkle in their eyes. They’re just a little bit safer. In fact, I thought maybe we could do a tour, show you back stage during a pandemic just to show you how much fun we’ve been having. So, walk with me if you will.

[Dan walks to the audience]

We are now here with the audience. [to an audience] Hi. What is your name?

[Dorine walks in with a long measuring stick]

Dorine: I’m sorry. Excuse me sir, six feet please.

Dan: Okay. I’m sorry.

Dorine: No. This is six feet. You were much closer, okay?

Dan: That is my mistake.

Dorine: Well, just think when you want to get chummy, put a noodle in your tummy.

Dan: Understood. Thank you so much. Everyone, this of course is one of our safety officers, Dorine, keeping us safe. While maintaining the magic.

Dorine: Yeah. Just doing my job.

[Dorine walks out]

Dan: Sorry about that again. I’m new here. So, you gotta be safe to have fun. Of course, [walks pass the audience and to the door] famous studio doors.

[Dorine hits Dan with the measuring stick]

Dorine: No pointing.

Dan: Come on!

Dorine: No. Pointing spreads droplets.

Dan: I’m almost certain that is not the case. Sorry, Dorine. We’re gonna move on. Right out here, I’m not going to use my hands, because you know– Anyway– [Dan walks pass the door. There’s anti-viral myst.] Wow, that is cold. I think some of it is anti-viral mist. Taste the bleach. And over here is the famous NBC page desk. [Melissa Villaseñor is getting sprayed with sanitizers at the desk.]

Melissa: Ha-ha-ha. That tickles.

Dan: Okay. I guess it’s been turned into a cast decontamination station. See, things can change here on a dime. Walking over here, oh, what are these? These are portraits of former hosts. I think I know this lady. [pointing at the picture] [Dorine hits Dan with the measuring stick]

Dorine: Sir!

Dan: Come on!

Dorine: No. You were pointing.

Dan: Okay. That hurt. Please don’t do that again.

Dorine: I’m gonna do it.

Dan: I’m on a tour. Right down here, we have some host dressing rooms. This one is Phoebe Bridgers’. Not gonna ask what’s going on in there. Hope everything’s okay. Phoebe, break a leg. She can’t hear me. Let’s see what’s down here. Maybe we’ll run into a cast member. Oh my gosh. It’s a socially distant Kenan! [Kenan is very far away] Hi, Kenan.

Kenan: Hey! Who is that? I’m sorry, I’m wearing a face shield.

Dan: It’s Dan.

Kenan: What?

Dan: Ha-ha-ha. It’s the host of the show, Dan Levy.

Kenan: Oh my goodness. Thank you so much, man. You too.

Dan: The cast are very, very nice here. And I’ve been treated so well and just feel so safe. I mean honestly, just to get to a walk these halls is such a thrill.

[Dan runs into his dad, Eugene Levy. He’s inside a glass box.]

Wait, dad? You came all the way from Los Angeles?

Eugene: Hey, son. Well, look at you. No, I flew in. I flew in to wish you luck tonight, but because I traveled, I am now in this tight isolation box.

Dan: You flew all this way just to watch the show from a weird box?

Eugene: I did not know about the box at the time. No. I found out when I landed.

Dan: Okay. Well, I’d offer to help but we’re live on TV.

Eugene: Well, listen. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. Okay? You’ve got enough on your plate tonight.

Dan: Okay. Thanks, dad. Fresh from a plane from Los Angeles, Eugene Levy, everybody.

Eugene: [to the guards] Excuse me. Could one of you turn me towards the stage so I can see the show? Thank you.

Dan: See? Still fun. We have got such a great show for you tonight. Phoebe Bridgers is here. Stick around, we will be right back.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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