Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim
Brittany… Punkie Johnson
Miley Cyrus…. Chloe Fineman
Dr. Nathan… Andrew Dismukes
Jason Mraz… Kieran Culkin
Ed Sheeran
Post Malone… Pete Davidson
Dionne Warwick
[Starts with show intro]Male voice: She’s an iconic singer and she’s always got a zinger. It’s the Dionne Warwick talk show.
Dionne Warwick: Wow. Yes. Hello. Hello. And welcome to the Dionne Warwick talk show. A show where I host and other people come here. And then they leave and so do I. Thanks as always to my producer and my niece Brittany.
[Cut to Brittany.]Brittany: Love you aunt Dionne.
Dionne Warwick: Alright. Now, I’d like to start today’s show with a special announcement. I have some very personal news to share with all of you.
[music playing] [singing] Raindrops Keep falling on my head.But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turning red
Alright. Thank you. Thank you. Please welcome our first guest, Miley Cyrus. [Miley Cyrus walks in]
Miley Cyrus: Hi, it’s awesome to be here.
Dionne Warwick: Yeah, alright. Yeah. You recently post topless for a magazine cover. That’s why I’d like to give you this Hussey award I made. [gives her the award] You are Hussey of the month.
Miley Cyrus: Oh, number one, Hussey. Yo. Oh, man. Thank you so much.
Dionne Warwick: Alright. You just did a duet with Elton John. So did Dua Lipa and a lot of other people. My question is, does he not have my number? Oh, mam. I’m not really sure mam, but I just want to say I’m such a huge fan of yours.
Dionne Warwick: Oh, thank you. So am I. So tell me, Miley, Dojacat. Is that a singer or a Pokemon?
Miley Cyrus: Yeah, she’s a singer.
Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, Cardi B. Why does she need the B? Was there another Cardi in the class?
Miley Cyrus: You know, these aren’t really about me.
Dionne Warwick: Sure. All right. Okay. I’ll try. Yeah, I understand that Hannah Montana is your nemesis. My Nemesis is Wendy Williams. Let’s make a pact to kick their asses.
Miley Cyrus: You know, Hannah Montana isn’t real.
Dionne Warwick: Alright, well, neither is Wendy Williams. Alright, Miley Circus. I’m done talking to you. Bye now. Yeah.
[Miley Cyrus walks out] All right. Now, for our important public health segment. We have a doctor here to give me my coronavirus booster live on air. Please welcome Dr. Nathan Ola. [Dionne Warwick walks to Dr. Nathan] [music playing] [singing] Keep smiling…Dr. Nathan: Hi, Ms. Warwick. Which arm do you– Alright let’s get that sleeve up and we’ll– Just get that sleeve up and we’ll go.
Dionne Warwick: That’s what friends are for. [Dionne Warwick walks back to her seat without getting the shot] Alright. I didn’t feel a thing. Now, for our next guest. This man is not famous anymore. He does not have any songs out. Please welcome Jason Mraz.
[Jason Mraz walks in]Jason Mraz: Kind of a rough intro but yeah, I’m psyched to be here.
Dionne Warwick: Alright. Now Mr. Mraz, you are about to go back on tour. My question is Rihanna. When she gonna drop the album? She too busy making panties or something?
Jason Mraz: I’m not sure how to answer that.
Dionne Warwick: Well, Kanye change his name to Ye. Is that after the sound people make when he leaves the room?
Jason Mraz: I’m sorry, can you ask me questions about me?
Dionne Warwick: Fine. Okay, what’s with the hat? If I took it off when I see your brain?
Jason Mraz: Okay, I’m gonna go. Thank you so much.
Dionne Warwick: Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest, Ed Sheeran.
Ed Sheeran: Hi, Ms. Warwick. I’m really glad to be here.
Dionne Warwick: Of course, you are. Now you did a song called south of the border. My question is are you nasty?
Ed Sheeran: Yes. A little bit.
Dionne Warwick: Oh, good. Cuz I think that’s healthy. Alright. You’re writing a song for the next season of Ted Lasso. So, what I’d like to know is what is Apple TV and how do you get it on a Dell computer?
Ed Sheeran: Is that the best question for me to answer?
Dionne Warwick: I don’t know. Shoot. All right. Did you know Ed Sheeran backwards is Dionne Warwick?
Ed Sheeran: I don’t think it is.
Dionne Warwick: I read that Elton John calls you every morning. Why would he talk to you and not me? Personally, I prefer to talk to me.
Ed Sheeran: Well, I mean, me and Elton are doing Christmas song together.
Dionne Warwick: Okay. All right. Well, apparently you and everyone else. Am I beefing with Elton John? Okay, you can go. Go on and go. Next up, I just want everybody to know I’ve learned my lesson that Machine Gun Kelly is too scary for me. So, I’ve invited a different man who I feel I’d be more comfortable with. Please welcome Post Malone.
[Post Malone walks in]Post Malone: Hi, Ms. Warwick.
Dionne Warwick: No! No! No! Oh my god, it is worse. Get him out. You go. You gotta go.
[Post Malone leaves]Oh my god. Much better. Much better. Brittany put that man in a cab back to Spooky Town, USA.
Brittany: I’m on it.
Dionne Warwick: I’m tired of interviewing people who are not icons. Please welcome me.
[The real Dionne Warwick walks in] [cheers and applause]Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, well. Hello.
Real Dionne Warwick: Hi, darling. I’m so excited for you that I’m here.
Dionne Warwick: Okay. Alright. Well, let me ask you something. Why are you perfect?
Real Dionne Warwick: Darling, I’m not perfect. I’m just very, very good.
Dionne Warwick: Alright. Okay. Today I heard a song by an artist called Young Boy Never Broke Again. Why aren’t people just caught Burt Bacharach anymore?
Real Dionne Warwick: You know, that is an excellent question and I don’t know the answer, but I will keep tweeting until I find out.
Dionne Warwick: You know, why does it say you were booked to headline Doge Palooza, a Dogecoin Music Festival. My question is what is that? How does it work? Why would you do it? And can I come?
Real Dionne Warwick: Well to answer your questions, I don’t know. I don’t know. Because they paid me. And yes.
Dionne Warwick: Okay, Dionne. Would you like to sing a song for the people?
Real Dionne Warwick: Do they deserve it?
Dionne Warwick: They o. Why don’t you go ahead and grab your mic? Right? I think we should go ahead and do it.
[music playing]Dionne Warwick and Real Dionne Warwick: [singing] What the world is now
love, sweet love
it’s the only thing
that there’s just too little love
What the world is now
love, sweet love
it’s the only thing
that there’s just too little love