Elon Musk[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Elon Musk.[Elon Musk walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]
Elon: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s an honor to be hosting Saturday Night Live. I mean that. Sometimes, after I say something, I have to say “I mean that” so people really know I mean it. That’s because I don’t always have a lot of intonation or variation in how I speak. Which I’m told makes for great comedy. I’m actually making history night as the first person with Aspergers to host SNL. [cheers and applause] Or at least the first to admit it. So, I won’t make a lot of eye contact with the cast tonight. But don’t worry, I’m pretty good at running ‘human’ in emulation mode.
I’d first like to share with you my vision for the future. I believe in a renewable energy future. I believe that humanity must become a multi planetory space baring civilization. Those seem like exciting goals, don’t they? Now I think, if I just posted that on Twitter, I’d be fine. But I also write things like [Cut to Elon Musk’s tweet] “69 days after 4/20 again haha”. [Cut back to Elon Musk] I don’t know. I thought it was funny. That’s why I wrote ‘haha’ at the end.
Look, I know I sometimes say or post strange things, but that’s just how my brain works. To anyone offended, I just want to say I reinvented electric cars and I’m sending people to Mars in a rocket ship. Did you think I’m also going to be a chill normal dude?
Now, a lot of times people are reduced to the dumbest thing they ever did. Like one time, I smoked weed on Joe Rogan’s pocast. And now, all the time I hear, “Elon Musk, all he does is smoke weed on podcast.” Like I go to podcast to podcast lighting up joints. It happened once. It’s like producing OJ Simpson to “Murderer”. That was one time. Fun fact, OJ also hosted the show in 79, and again in 96. Killed both times.
One reason I’ve always loved SNL is because it’s genuinely live. A lot of people don’t realize that. We’re actually live right now. Which means I could say something cruelly shocking like, “I drive a Prius”.
SNL is also a great way to learn something new about the host. For example, this is my son’s name. [His son’s name appears on the screen] It’s pronounced – cat running across keyboard.
Another thing people want to know is what was I like as a kid? The answer is pretty much the same as now but smaller. But we’ll also ask my mother who is here tonight.
Her name is Maye, like a month but with the ‘e’ at the end.
Elon’s Mom: Thanks for spelling my name, Elon.
Elon: Mom, do you remember when I was 12 and I created my own video game called ‘Blast Star’ about a space ship that battles aliens?
Elon’s Mom: I do. I remember they paid you $500 but you were too young to open a bank account, so I had to open one for you.
Elon: That’s right. What happened to that bank account?
Elon’s Mom: That’s not important. You turned that video game about space into reality.
Elon: Unless you consider that our reality might be a video game and we’re all just computer simulations being played by a teenager on another planet.
Elon’s Mom: That’s great, Elon. Well, break a leg tonight. I love you very much.
Elon: I love you too, mom.
Elon’s Mom: And I’m excited for my Mother’s Day gift. I just hope it’s not Dogecoin.
Elon: It is. It sure is. Okay. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Miley Cyrus is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.