Mr. Blumenthal… Mikey Day
Frances Haugen… Heidi Gardner
Dianne Feinstein… Cecily Strong
John Kennedy… Kyle Mooney
Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant
Lindsey Graham… James Austin Johnson
Cory Booker… Chris Redd
Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat
Tom… Pete Davidson
[Starts with channel show schedule]
Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN on the Saturday night. Wow. We now return to coverage of the Facebook Hearings In Congress.
[Cut to the hearing]
[cheers and applause]
Mr. Blumenthal: Once again, I would like to thank the Facebook whistleblower for coming forward.
Frances Haugen: Thank you. It’s nice to be in an office with no skateboards.
Mr. Blumenthal: Now, my colleagues are eager to ask you questions about the inner workings of Facebook and Instagram. The chair recognizes senator Feinstein of California.
Dianne Feinstein: Ms. Haugen, I applaud your testimony here today. What Facebook has done is disgraceful and you better believe congress will be taking action… right after we pass the infrastructure bill, raise the debt ceiling, prosecute those responsible for the January 6th insurrection and stop Trump from using executive privilege even though he’s no longer president. After all that, you watch out Facebook!
Frances Haugen: Well, as a former Facebook engineer, I’m here today because I have seen first hand how Facebook products harm children, stoke division and weaken our democracy.
Dianne Feinstein: I appreciate that. My question is I have 2000 friends on Facebook. Is that good?
Frances Haugen: Is it good?
Dianne Feinstein: Like, is that a lot? 2000 sounds like a lot. How many does Drake have? 4000?
Frances Haugen: I think he has like, 50 million.
Dianne Feinstein: Oh my god. No wonder he never answered my poke.
Mr. Blumenthal: Thank you, senator Feinstein. The chair recognizes senator Kennedy of Louisiana.
John Kennedy: Ms. Haugen, you’ve told us a lot of disturbing information about this so called ‘Algorithm’. I just wanna clear up a few points. Where is it?
Frances Haugen: The algorithm?
John Kennedy: Yes. Do you have it with you now?
Frances Haugen: No. But there are algorithms in all our phones and computers.
John Kennedy: Not mine. I got a JitterBug flip phone. Only lets me call my son or the hospital. Now, exactly how big is this algorithm? Stop me when I get there. [John Kennedy shows a gap between his two palms to show the size of algorithm.]
Frances Haugen: Please stop.
John Kennedy: Woo-whii! That’s pretty big. No further questions.
Mr. Blumenthal: Senator Cruz from Texas.
Ted Cruz: Yes. I was particularly drawn to your testimony about bullying online, how some teenagers and even some adult man are bullied almost constantly.
Frances Haugen: It’s very disturbing.
Ted Cruz: So, I’m wondering how do you turn off that feature on Facebook where everyone comments on all your posts and says you’re bad and they hate you.
Frances Haugen: Well, there’s an option to turn off comments.
Ted Cruz: [taking notes] Okay. Excellent. Now, I’m also concerned about the toxic extremist groups you mentioned. I’ve seen groups with hateful names like “Ted Cruz sucks” or “Ted Cruz is the real zodiac killer” or “How Ted Cruz have kids when he a virgin”. Now, shouldn’t you flag those as misinformation?
Frances Haugen: “Ted Cruz sucks” isn’t really misinformation. It’s just one person’s opinion.
Ted Cruz: Well, that’s more than one person’s opinion.
Mr. Blumenthal: Thank you. The chair recognizes senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina.
Lindsey Graham: Thank you, Ms. Haugen. I believe that Instagram is toxic to the body image to the impressionable young Americans, specifically me. I see all these beefy guys on my discover page and I’m lifting and I’m sweating and nothing’s popping. No biceps, no triceps, no delts. I’m trying to get swole for Comic-Con but it is so hard to cosplay as a boy when you don’t have the V. Everyone knows you need the V.
Frances Haugen: I’m sorry. Is there a question?
Lindsey Graham: I’m just saying these young girls are trying to get a face that don’t even exist. They want the fox eye, the high cheek, Emily Ratajkowski brow, they’re doing botox, Juvéderm, Kybella, Restylane, and I’m like, “Girl, that ain’t a face. That’s a filter.” I’m sorry, I’m bad.
Mr. Blumenthal: [clears his throat] I’m just gonna move on. Senator Cory Booker.
Cory Booker: Thank you, Ms. Haugen. I was particularly disturbed by your testimony about how Facebook choose profits over the well being of our children. Rosario and I were discussing this very issue just the other day. Rosario Dawson.
Frances Haugen: Right.
Cory Booker: Yeah, she and I are… um… dating.
Frances Haugen: That’s great.
Cory Booker: So, my question is, does that make sense? Right? Like, when I stand next to her in a photo, that looks regular?
Oh, I don’t feel comfortable answering that.
Lindsey Graham: Ms. Haugen. I have another question. It’s been burning a back hole in my pocket. When you open an incognito window on, does that prevent god from seeing what you’re googling?
Frances Haugen: You know, that sounds like maybe a question for the bible.
Lindsey Graham: And I will ask the bible. Thank you, Ms. Haugen.
Mr. Blumenthal: Senator Kennedy, you have a follow up?
John Kennedy: Yeah. Uh, Ms. Haugen, could you explain how this photo showed up in my feed?
[There’s a picture of a group of people cosplaying different characters]
Frances Haugen: What is that?
John Kennedy: That’s what I’d like to know. It looks like the cast from the live action version of Space Jam is taking a selfie?
Ted Cruz: Now, is that pornographic?
John Kennedy: Not yet. But it feels like it’s heading there?
Dianne Feinstein: I had one in my feed as well. What is this?
[There’s a picture of a girl turning into a mouse]
Is Facebook pressuring teens to do this? To slowly morph into mice? Is this the Stewart Little challenge?
Frances Haugen: No. I think that’s an image from an old book series called Animorphs.
Lindsey Graham: Oh my god. That looks like something I found on the dark web.
Ted Cruz: Oh, that reminds me, is the dark web the same as black Twitter?
Frances Haugen: Oh my god!
Lindsey Graham: Let’s try to keep these questions pertinent. Now, what about Squid Game? What is that?
Dianne Feinstein: Oh. America is in a lot of debt right now. Should we do a Squid Game?
Ted Cruz: You know, I was put in a Squid Game recently and they made me the guy from Spongebob. “When Texas is freezing and you in Mexico.”
John Kennedy: I gotta ask about this one too. [There’s a meme that looks like a fruit is high] “When the edible kicks in and you da substitute.”
Ted Cruz: Is that what the kids are calling a may-may (meme).
Cory Booker: There’s this one too. [There’s a meme that shows a cartoon wearing turban and a cartoon with hair loss.] “How it started and how it’s going.” Is this making teens feel bad about their hair loss?
Frances Haugen: Guys, you don’t have to do this.
Dianne Feinstein: Okay, one more. [There’s a meme with two guys smiling] “When you meet bitches that like vegetables.” Because that came up when I searched for “Tom Brady old face”.
Mr. Blumenthal: Guys, order. Please. Stop showing Ms. Haugen memes you found online.
Ted Cruz: It’s may-may (meme).
Mr. Blumenthal: Let’s adjourn for lunch. But first I’m told we have a video response coming in from the Founder of a very important social media site.
[Cut to Mark Zuckerberg at his home]
Mark Zuckerberg: Hi everyone.
Mr. Blumenthal: No! No! We don’t need any more from that guy. I mean, let’s go to the OG social media king.
[Cut to Tom from MySpace.]
Tom: Oh, hey. I’m Tom from MySpace. Remember me? I was harmless. I’m not doing any of that weird algorithm stuff. We barely maintained the website. So, come on by. Check out your friend’s band from 20 years ago and let’s make America top eight again. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.