Alex Moffat
Gene… Kenan Thompson
Punkie Johnson
Heidi Gardner
Chris Redd
DJ Balls… Keegan-Michael Key
Gemma… Cecily Strong
[Starts with a group of friends in a restaurant.]
Alex: Guys, let’s hear it for the birthday boy.
All: Gene! Gene! Gene!
Gene: No, no, no. Don’t do that. I don’t need all of that. But, thank you.
Punkie: Wait, where’s Lisa?
Heidi: Yeah, Gene. Where is Lisa?
Gene: She’s not here because she left me today.
Heidi: Your wife left you on your birthday?
Gene: Yes. Today is the two week mark after her second Pfizer shot. She said that she was finally free.
Alex: Oh! I’m sorry, man.
Gene: That’s okay. This is still nice. A nice quiet sad birthday dinner.
[There are two performers at the stage]
DJ Balls: TGI Friday’s outdoor dining area, make some noise for my man Gene on his birthday!
Gemma: Pew, pew, pew. Happy birthday Gene.
Gene: Okay. What’s all this now?
Punkie: Well, we hired a band before we knew you were sad.
DJ Balls: Okay. This one goes out to Gene and his gorgeous faithful wife Lisa. That crazy covid couldn’t keep their love down.
Gemma: Aw, so sweet.
DJ Balls: So tonight, instead of going six feet apart, they’re going six inches deep. What? What?
Alex: Gene, do you want to go home?
Gene: No, I’m fine. I mean, they’re good.
DJ Balls: Alright, let’s do this.
Gemma: [singing badly] one shot, two shot, three shot, four
Pfizer’s got so much more
who knows what this vaccine’s for?
Only shot I need is yours
DJ Balls: Stick it in me!
Gemma: You are my vaccination
DJ Balls: Stick it in me!
Gemma: Give me that sharp sensation
DJ Balls: Stick it in me! Prick it in me! Stick it in me! Prick it in me!
Gemma: Don’t stop, sticking me my arm all sore.
DJ Balls: Right there. Thank you. Okay. So, if you’re wondering who we are, I’m DJ Balls.
Gemma: And I’m Gemma. I’m British.
DJ Balls: And tell me what you told me about the UK.
Gemma: We totally spread wide open now.
DJ Balls: Wow. Wide open. Yeah. How sexy is that? Birthday boy, sure. He sure thinks so. Look at him.
Gemma: Barry, stop.
DJ Balls: No. Look at him. He’s trying so hard to hold his thing down, he’s about to poke out of the top is his collar.
Heidi: Gene, are you aroused?
Gene: I don’t think so.
DJ Balls: Wait, Gene? Gene Diradusio? Is that you? No way! It’s me, man! Darrius John Balls. DJ Balls.
Gene: Oh my god.
Punkie: Wait, Gene. You know musicians?
Gene: No. I know him from a pickup artist workshop that we took together.
DJ Balls: Yeah. But then you married that crazy girl Lisa.
Gemma: Aw, so lucky. A love love. It’s little things, you know?
Gene: Well, she left. She got tired of being in quarantine with me.
Gemma: Aw, cuddles to you. Quarantine’s really hard. I had to learn how to do me own bum bleeching.
DJ Balls: Yeah. But I tell you, you got it down, trust me. Because that little thing glows in the dark.
Gemma: Barry!
DJ Balls: Hey, Gene, what’s wrong? Is what we’re talking about making your boys blue?
Gemma: Babe, don’t make me laugh. I’m afraid I’ll toot and it really hurts because of bleaching.
Gene: Okay. Maybe I think I’ll go.
Heidi: Wait. Because your boys are blue? Do you want to go and take care of that, Gene?
Gene: No. I’m not blue. I mean, I guess I am a little bit about my wife leaving.
Gemma: Aw! Then we’re dedicating this next song to you and your wife.
[singing] Feeling naughty
because I got those antibodies
but I got nobody
to feel my body
cause I lost my hottie
and I think he forgot me
I miss you babe, I’ll let you do whatever
I’m Gemma.
DJ Balls: Wow! Oh my god! Look at Gene. He’s hard as a math problem. His eyes are watering from the pressure of holding that thing down.
Chris: Oh, Gene, are you feeling pressure down there? Your eyes are watery.
Gene: Because I’m crying. That song made me think about my wife.
Gemma: Aw, don’t be sad. You’ll see her again in heaven.
Gene: She’s not dead. Oh, that’s great news. Girl power.
Alex: Wait, Gene. You just got a text on your phone from Lisa.
All: Read it! Read it!
Gene: It says – Gene, I made a mistake. Please forgive me. I’m waiting for you at home.
Heidi: Gene, go to her.
Gene: I’m going to. I just can’t stand up right now.
DJ Balls: Oh, Gene. I knew your boys were blue.
Gemma: Aw, another happy ending.
DJ Balls: Speaking of– [plays music]
[singing] Stick it in me!
Gemma: You are my vaccination
DJ Balls: Stick it in me! Prick it in me! Stick it in me! Prick it in me!
Gemma: Don’t stop, sticking me my arm all sore