Gemma & DJ Balls

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Alex Moffat

Gene… Kenan Thompson

Punkie Johnson

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

DJ Balls… Keegan-Michael Key

Gemma… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a group of friends in a restaurant.]

Alex: Guys, let’s hear it for the birthday boy.

All: Gene! Gene! Gene!

Gene: No, no, no. Don’t do that. I don’t need all of that. But, thank you.

Punkie: Wait, where’s Lisa?

Heidi: Yeah, Gene. Where is Lisa?

Gene: She’s not here because she left me today.

Heidi: Your wife left you on your birthday?

Gene: Yes. Today is the two week mark after her second Pfizer shot. She said that she was finally free.

Alex: Oh! I’m sorry, man.

Gene: That’s okay. This is still nice. A nice quiet sad birthday dinner.

[There are two performers at the stage]

DJ Balls: TGI Friday’s outdoor dining area, make some noise for my man Gene on his birthday!

Gemma: Pew, pew, pew. Happy birthday Gene.

Gene: Okay. What’s all this now?

Punkie: Well, we hired a band before we knew  you were sad.

DJ Balls: Okay. This one goes out to Gene and his gorgeous faithful wife Lisa. That crazy covid couldn’t keep their love down.

Gemma: Aw, so sweet.

DJ Balls: So tonight, instead of going six feet apart, they’re going six inches deep. What? What?

Alex: Gene, do you want to go home?

Gene: No, I’m fine. I mean, they’re good.

DJ Balls: Alright, let’s do this.

Gemma: [singing badly] one shot, two shot, three shot, four
Pfizer’s got so much more
who knows what this vaccine’s for?
Only shot I need is yours

DJ Balls: Stick it in me!

Gemma: You are my vaccination

DJ Balls: Stick it in me!

Gemma: Give me that sharp sensation

DJ Balls: Stick it in me! Prick it in me! Stick it in me! Prick it in me! 

Gemma: Don’t stop, sticking me my arm all sore.

DJ Balls: Right there. Thank you. Okay. So, if you’re wondering who we are, I’m DJ Balls.

Gemma: And I’m Gemma. I’m British.

DJ Balls: And tell me what you told me about the UK.

Gemma: We totally spread wide open now.

DJ Balls: Wow. Wide open. Yeah. How sexy is that? Birthday boy, sure. He sure thinks so. Look at him.

Gemma: Barry, stop.

DJ Balls: No. Look at him. He’s trying so hard to hold his thing down, he’s about to poke out of the top is his collar.

Heidi: Gene, are you aroused?

Gene: I don’t think so.

DJ Balls: Wait, Gene? Gene Diradusio? Is that you? No way! It’s me, man! Darrius John Balls. DJ Balls.

Gene: Oh my god.

Punkie: Wait, Gene. You know musicians?

Gene: No. I know him from a pickup artist workshop that we took together.

DJ Balls: Yeah. But then you married that crazy girl Lisa.

Gemma: Aw, so lucky. A love love. It’s little things, you know?

Gene: Well, she left. She got tired of being in quarantine with me.

Gemma: Aw, cuddles to you. Quarantine’s really hard. I had to learn how to do me own bum bleeching.

DJ Balls: Yeah. But I tell you, you got it down, trust me. Because that little thing glows in the dark.

Gemma: Barry!

DJ Balls: Hey, Gene, what’s wrong? Is what we’re talking about making your boys blue?

Gemma: Babe, don’t make me laugh. I’m afraid I’ll toot and it really hurts because of bleaching.

Gene: Okay. Maybe I think I’ll go.

Heidi: Wait. Because your boys are blue? Do you want to go and take care of that, Gene?

Gene: No. I’m not blue. I mean, I guess I am a little bit about my wife leaving.

Gemma: Aw! Then we’re dedicating this next song to you and your wife.

[singing] Feeling naughty
because I got those antibodies
but I got nobody
to feel my body
cause I lost my hottie
and I think he forgot me

I miss you babe, I’ll let you do whatever

I’m Gemma.

DJ Balls: Wow! Oh my god! Look at Gene. He’s hard as a math problem. His eyes are watering from the pressure of holding that thing down.

Chris: Oh, Gene, are you feeling pressure down there? Your eyes are watery.

Gene: Because I’m crying. That song made me think about my wife.

Gemma: Aw, don’t be sad. You’ll see her again in heaven.

Gene: She’s not dead. Oh, that’s great news. Girl power.

Alex: Wait, Gene. You just got a text on your phone from Lisa.

All: Read it! Read it!

Gene: It says – Gene, I made a mistake. Please forgive me. I’m waiting for you at home.

Heidi: Gene, go to her.

Gene: I’m going to. I just can’t stand up right now.

DJ Balls: Oh, Gene. I knew your boys were blue.

Gemma: Aw, another happy ending.

DJ Balls: Speaking of– [plays music] [singing] Stick it in me!

Gemma: You are my vaccination

DJ Balls: Stick it in me! Prick it in me! Stick it in me! Prick it in me! 

Gemma: Don’t stop, sticking me my arm all sore

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