Kenan Thompson
Dale… Beck Bennett
Aidy Bryant
Lars… Daniel Kaluuya
Jolene… Cecily Strong
Ego Nwodim
[Starts with five adults raising their glasses]
All: Happy birthday to you.
Kenan: Thank you, you guys.
Dale: Hey, you’re turning 69, right?
Kenan: Dale! Leave it to Dale to make a nasty, nasty joke.
Dale: Guilty as charged!
Kenan: Well, I may laugh but I don’t like it.
Aidy: Well, anyway. Thank you so much for being here. You all are such a dear friends.
Lars: Only friends here?
Jolene: Yeah, only friends? Or–
Kenan: Oh. Yes. My half brother, Lars.
Lars: Half brother, full Facebook friend.
Kenan: That’s right. And his partner, Jolene.
Jolene: Yeah, easy to remember. Like, the whore from the song.
Kenan: So, yeah. Thank you both for driving all the way from the tip top of Canada.
Lars: No offense, but who’s going to make this a real party? You know what I mean?
Aidy: Oh! You don’t mean drugs, do you?
Jolene: Well, think sexier.
Dale: Oh-oh! Sounds like they hired a stripper.
Kenan: No! No! I said no nasty!
Lars: No. She’s not a stripper, but she’s nude, beautiful, and she lets you grab her by the neck and slap her around. It’s my upright bass. [there’s a upright bass at the side]
Aidy: Oh, look honey. He moved our entire media center and put his upright bass there.
Lars: Don’t worry. All your crap is in the bathroom. Now, who wants to play my upright bass?
Ego: Probably no one.
Lars: Well, I do.
Jolene: Well, if you’re going to play upright bass, who’s going to do spoken word poetry? [pointing at Aidy] You?
Aidy: No. No, I don’t like where this is going.
Ego: Yeah. Where is it going?
Kenan: Well, I think my half brother and his wife are going to perform some jazz thing.
Jolene: Well, feel free to snap along anyone. [Lars and Jolene get ready to perform] I think you’ll know where we picked this one.
Lars: This is for you, half brother. On your birthday.
[Lars starts playing the bass]
Jolene: [poetry] Kitty’s on the sand with the shackles on his hand
coz kitty stole the bacon and the bacon’s for the taking.
Lars: He stole it for the lover but lover found another
Jolene: He never did confess but they fried them nonetheless
Lars and Jolene: Zaba-duba-de, now, meow!
Lars: Happy birthday.
Kenan: Wow. That was amazing. Thank you.
Jolene: No, no. We don’t deserve all that. Come on. We can do better.
Lars: See, normally when we do this, we’re just made love in any old way.
Jolene: Yeah, you know how it goes. Twisted around, up side down, magic night gowns. But that’s all over. We are getting the big old D-I-V-O-R-C. Anybody knows that that spells?
Aidy: Well, you almost spelled divorce.
Lars: And we’re almost divorced.
Jolene: Yeah. We tried to fix things with an open marriage but he forgot to tell me about it.
Lars: I could have sworn I mentioned it.
Jolene: Nope. Well, thank you both. We enjoyed whatever that was you did. And I’m sorry about your divorce.
Jolene: No, no, no. don’t be. I mean, the marriage might be over but we still got the band. Hey, let’s prove it.
Ego: No need.
[Lars starts playing the bass]
Jolene: [poem] Tony Loney Money had a lonely horoscony
his name was way too long to fit on a tombstoney
Lars: The grumpy old crooney, the thought everyone was phoney
so no one was around when he choked his baloney
Lars and Jolene: Shapa-shapa-shapa-duray-meow!
Aidy: Well, thank you so much for you jazz beat. I think we’re good.
Jolene: And?
Dale: Sorry about your divorce.
Lars: But?
Ego: We’re the glad the band is still together?
Lars: Because?
Kenan: We liked it?
Jolene: And now you want an?
Aidy: Encore? Oh no! Why did I say that?
Kenan: I guess this is how I’m spending my first birthday out of quarantine.
[Lars starts playing bass]
Jolene: [poem] Nothing could be slicker than rabbit drinking liquor
Lars: But when he hit the jicker adding whiskey in his picker
Dale: Okay, I like it now.
Jolene: It just lay there like a worm refusing to perform.
Lars and Jolene: Rabbity-scabbity-rabbity ray
rabbity-scabbity not today
meow!
Ego: Why does it always end with meow?
Dale: I don’t know. Ask them.
Aidy: Hey, where did they go? [they’re not there]
Kenan: I think they’re having sex in our bedroom.
Ego: How do you know?
Kenan: Well, they left the door open and I can see everything.
Aidy: Okay. Should we just do presents?
Kenan: I guess.
Lars and Jolene: [shouting in another room] Shaba-shaba-do-ray-meow!
Aidy: Oh my god!
Kenan: No, no. Don’t look. That’s what they want.
