Principal… Alex Moffat
Chris Redd
Punkie Johnson
Kenan Thompson
Keegan-Michael Key
Ego Nwodim
Aidy Bryant
Beck Bennett
Andrew Dismukes
Mikey Day
Heidi Gardner
[Starts with a student playing violin. She finishes. Everyone claps.]Principal: Thank you for that wonderful solo, Melissa. Life is indeed a highway. Now, I’d like to ask the class of Chris0ChrisPrincipal to rise as you receive your diplomas and reminder to the families, I’ll be reading a lot of names. So please, hold your applause till the end.
[Principal starts calling names and students start walking to the stage]Madison Abbott. [light claps]
Quintin Addison. [family shouting for him]
Another reminder, please hold your applause.
Chris: I’m not applauding. I’m yelling.
Punkie: Ay! My baby had a speech prepared.
Principal: I’m sorry. No speeches.
Kenan: Wait, just let him talk as he walks across.
Principal: Sorry, can’t do it. Michael Albright.
[parents yelling]Keegan: You did it boy. I swear, we didn’t think he was going to make it.
Ego: No. He didn’t read a single book. Should I not say that?
Principal: Like I said–
Ego: [yelling] Michael! Baby. Lift up your robe. I bought him a whole new outfit and he up there dressed like everybody else.
Keegan: Lift up the robe, big man.
Ego: Baby, show them the new belt. I bought him a new belt.
Keegan: It’s Gucci. It’s Gucci. It don’t say it, but it is. My man’s a baller, man. Look at he graduating magnum like his father. Magnum cum louder.
Principal: Please. Let’s move on. Danetta Andrews.
Kenan: Ay, that’s our little cousin.
Punkie: Danetta, you better smile, girl. You did it. Oh, she embarrassed because she ain’t got adult teeth growing yet.
Chris: Go ahead. Smile, girl, It’s your day. Show the world them tic tac teeth.
Kenan: She sad because she got more gums than she got teeth.
Chris: Looking like a race horse, like a little cap and gown sea biscuits.
Principal: Okay. Thank you. Let’s keep going. Simon Alexander.
Ego: Whoo! That’s my little godson.
Keegan: Simon, my man. Ay! Simon. Ay! Do the backflip. Big man, do the backflip. He’s probably going to do the backflip.
Ego: He did. We’d like to call him Simon Biles, because he’s a gymnast.
Keegan: Ay. This boy never stop backflipping. This boy can flip his ass off.
Keegan: What? Are you scared? Oh, you want to punk out? Oh, damn, man. See, all that backflipping for what?
Ego: Okay. Simon, you better stop playing with me. He making me look bad. I never for a godson that’s a non-flipping little bitch.
Principal: Please. Please. Okay, can we keep our comments to minimum. We’ve got almost 200 names here. Now, before I read the next name, please remember to keep quiet. Here we go. Leticia Allen.
Kenan: Oh! White girl name Leticia?
Punkie: I did not see that coming.
Chris: Upset of the year.
Principal: Once again. Please no comments. Specially these two families over here.
Ego: Hold on, is he really pointing at us?
Keegan: I know he ain’t pointing at us in this day and age.
Principal: Tiffany Atwood.
Beck: Tiffany!
Aidy: Whoo! You did it. You graduated!
Andrew: We are so going to David Buster’s after this.
Principal: Please. I just asked for silence.
Aidy: Well, sorry sir. She’s a first one in our family to graduate.
Beck: Yeah, we’re going to get a Bentley.
Principal: I highly doubt that.
Aidy: Excuse me, but our daughter got a prestigious internship with PF Chang.
Principal: That’s a restaurant.
Aidy: Well, did you get in?
Principal: I have been there. Yes.
Aidy: Okay, then. So, you know it’s good.
Beck: Ay! You remind me of this guy back home who used to touch kids. What’s his name? Trevor. Hey, is your name Trevor?
Principal: This is not a Q&A sir.
Mikey: Well, if I had known that nobody was going to follow the rules, I would have cheered.
Ego: Sir, go ahead then. You can cheer. Hey principal! Let this man’s child go again.
Principal: No. It doesn’t work that way.
All: Come on! Man!
Principal: Fine. Madison Abbott.
Lauren: Wow!
Mikey: Whoo!
Heidi: Good job, Madison.
Lauren: Nice one, girl.
Keegan: For real? What the hell was that?
Ego: Ya’ll are embarrassing.
Kenan: Boo! We fought for you.
Punkie: Baby, you come live with us.
Chris: That’s right, little white baby, we’ll feed you biscuits and cheer while you eat.
Beck: I think everyone just freaked out because principal’s a kid toucher.
Principal: Okay. No! You know what? I think we’re done. I’m just going to arrange for the rest of the graduates to get their diplomas in the mail. Okay? Thank you
Keegan: I like that man. Keeps things short. That’s good.
Ego: I ain’t even mad. Gives us more time to celebrate.
Beck: Great idea, kid toucher. Now, where do we pick up the Bentley?