Hollywood Squares

Tom Bergeron… Beck Bennett

Cammi… Aidy Bryant

Robert… Chris Redd

Baby Spice… Anya Taylor-Joy

Bill Cosby… Kenan Thompson

Jeff Dunham… Mikey Day

Mary-Kate… Chloe Fineman

Ashley Olsen… Heidi Gardner

Jared Fogle… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with GSN show schedule]

Female voice: GSN Retro Night continues at nine with 1971 episode of ‘Name That Tune’ followed by a 1953 episode of ‘Guess Her Weight’. But up next, a 1998 episode of Hollywood Squares.

[cut to the show stage]

Tom Bergeron: I’m Tom Bergeron. Welcome to Hollywood Squares. Our contestants today are Cami and Robert. [cheers and applause] And let’s say hello to our Hollywood celebrities.

[there are nine celebrities in the game]

[cheers and applause]

The game is simple. It’s Tic-tac-toe. Three in a row wins. Robert, you won the coin toss back stage. Pick a square.

Robert: I don’t like her music but I like the way she looks. Let’s go with Baby Spice.

Baby Spice: Yeah! Girl power, baby!

Tom Bergeron: Alright, Baby Spice, according to a recent survey of American students, what’s the least popular school subject.

Baby Spice: What school? I’m just a little baby. Kidding. Let’s say maths.

Robert: I’ll agree.

Tom Bergeron: Wise choice. It’s math. X gets the square. Cammy, pick a square.

Cammi: Okay, well, this is an easy one. Who doesn’t love this man? I am going with the center square America’s Dad, Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby: Look at me. I’m in the square.

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: In light of recent revelations concerning Bill Cosby, King World Productions has chosen to omit him from this rebroadcast. We rejoing the show after Mr. Cosby’s segment.

[cut to Tom Bergeron, Cammi and Robert laughing hard]

Tom Bergeron: Holy smokes. No one’s better than Bill Cosby. Best of all time. Okay, Cammi, Bill Cosby said Lacrosse is America’s oldest sport. Agree or disagree?

Cammi: One thing’s for sure, I trust Bill Cosby. Agree!

Tom Bergeron: Good instinct. Circle gets the square.

Baby Spice: Sorry, Tommy, can I just say to Mr. Cosby that I am such a huge fan and I admire you so–

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: At the personal request of Emma “Baby Spice” Bunton, her comments have been omitted from this rebroadcast.

[cut back to the stage]

Tom Bergeron: Wow, those were very kind words. Okay, Robert, pick a square.

Robert: Let’s go with Ventriloquist. Jeff Dunham and Jose Jalapeno.

Jeff Dunham: Hey, we’re thrilled to be here. Say hello, Jose.

[Jose is a puppet]

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: Due to evolving societal standards on race, Kind World Productions has omitted all footage of Mr. Dunham providing voices for puppets of different ethnicities, including: Jose the Jalapeno, De’Shawn the piece of cornbread and Tan Yan the horniest man in Japan.  We’ll resume the game after Mr. Dunham’s material.

[cut back to the game stage]

Tom Bergeron: And X gets the square. Those were some funny puppets.

Robert: I didn’t love the voice Jeff did for DeShawn the cornbread.

Jeff Dunham: Hey, don’t look at me. That was him.

Robert: Nah, it was you.

Tom Bergeron: Cammi?

Cammi: Well, I love them on Full House. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen: You got it, dude.

Tom Bergeron: Mary Kate and Ashley’s latest directed video movie ‘Oops we recently flew to Paris’ is in stores now. Anyone seen it? I see Mr. Skinny himself, Jared Fogle is nodding.

Jared Fogle: I loved the movie so good.

Tom Bergeron: Did you bring the pants, Jared?

Jared Fogle: Oh, yeah. Can you believe I used to wear these? You could fit both Olsen twins in here.

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: In light of Jared Fogle’s crimes, the decision to place his square right next to the Olsen’s is unfortunate and therefore both squared have been omitted from this rebroadcast.

[Cut back to the stage]

Tom Bergeron: Alright. Circle gets the square.

Baby Spice: Sorry, can I just say what jared Fogle has done is incredible. And I’d like to give him a round of applause. Really–

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: Representatives for Emma ‘Baby Spice’ Bunton want to be clear that she was applauding Mr. Fogle’s weight loss and not his heinous crimes.

Tom Bergeron: Just a reminder, our secret square is still unclaimed. Let’s tell the folks at home which star can nab you some bonus cash.

Female voice: The secret square is Matt Lauer.

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: Who has been omitted from this broadcast.

[Cut back to the stage]

Tom Bergeron: Okay, Robert, you pick.

Robert: I take Kevin Spacey.

[Cut to message screen]

Male voice: Due to the problematic nature of most of our squares, the remainder of this episode has been omitted from the re-broadcast.

[Cut back to the stage, Tom Bergeron is with Cammi]

Tom Bergeron: Well, congrats to our winner, Cammy, who’s taking home a Subaru Outback. Say goodbye, Squares.