Sean Evans… Mikey Day
Beyonce… Maya Rudolph
DeMichelangelo… Kenan Thompson
Ego Nwodim
Agent… Alex Moffat
[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: “Hot Ones”, the show where celebrities answer hot questions while eating even hotter wings.
[Cut to the show]
Sean: Hi, I’m Sean Evans. I’m joined today by royalty Grammy winning recording artist, actress and icon, Deyonce Knowles-Carter. It is truly an honor.
Beyonce: Yeah, I know.
Sean: Like, I cannot believe you’re on hot ones.
Beyonce: I feel you. I can’t tell if this is beneath me. But my sister, Solange loves this show and said I’d have fun. So…
Sean: Well, I’m glad she did. So, we can start with a mild wing here.
Beyonce: Mild? Come on, now. I’m from Texas, baby. This girl can handle her wings. Let’s start with this one right here.
Sean: Okay. Yeah. Let’s do it. Let’s do it. [showing the chilly sauce] This is Hitler’s anus roasted reaper sauce with the scoville rating of 135,600.
[both eat the wings]
Beyonce: [looking nervous] I don’t love that name but the wing look good.
Sean: Alright. You said in the 26th Vanity Fair article that as a child, being on stage set you free. Can you talk more about that?
Beyonce: Well. I was a shy kid. Umm… this is good, by the way. Spicy, though. But when I got– Whoo! Okay. This wing came correct. It’s very hot. I’m good though.
Sean: Okay. You have some ice water and milk there if you need any.
Beyonce: I’m not gonna drink big fat glass of milk on camera. That’s not a good look for Beyonce.
Sean: Yeah. Milk isn’t like, a sexy drink. I’m sorry. Now, there’s a lyrics in Bills, Bills, Bills. Are you okay?
[Beyonce is sweating all over her face]
Miss Knowles-Carter, are you good? Beyonce?
Beyonce: [spooky voice] Sorry, I’m good. Your girl’s throat just closed up for a second thought. Let’s do the next wing.
Sean: Okay. Are you sure?
Beyonce: Definitely, boo.
Sean: Okay. Alright. Next up, we have the Devil’s Diarrhea Scorpion sauce, scoville rating of 676,000.
[both eat the wigs]
Yeah, good, right? So, after the Destiny’s Child’s performance at the 2016 Super Bowl, fans speculated a possible–
Beyonce: Oh, damn!
Sean: Um, is there any chance–
Beyonce: [screaming] Ah! Sorry, what?
Sean: Um, is there any chance of reunion?
Beyonce: [screaming] Ooh! Kiss my ass! I’m sweating. Beyonce’s head is wet. Damn, this wing is recking me. I need to hydrate. [drinking water] Oh, this isn’t helping. Damn, water makes it worse. Oh lord, why is it worse? [starts drinking milk] Got my ass drinking milk now. Room temp milk? For real? Oh, Solange in trouble now!
Sean: Is Destiny’s Child reunion something you’ve thought about? No! No! Don’t touch your eyes!
[Beyonce is wiping away her tears with her hands]
Beyonce: I know that now, you bald ass bitch. Oh, my whole head is on fire. Where is my hair stylist? DeMichelangelo, come to my side.
DeMichelangelo: Yes, B.
Beyonce: Argh! I need you to take my wig off, put six ice cubes on my head, then put my wig back on.
DeMichelangelo: But B, you on camera.
Beyonce: I don’t care. Take my wig off. Put six ice cubes on my head then put my wig back on.
DeMichelangelo: But I don’t have my wig gloves. I might grease the hair, B.
Beyonce: Do it now or I will stomp you to death.
DeMichelangelo: Yes. Of course, B. Oh my lord, I’m doing a wig pop with my bare hands. Oh Jesus, help me.
[trying to take Beyonce’s wig off]
Ego: Hey! Hey! Hey! Bald man, do not film B taking her wig off. No. Not gonna happen.
Sean: We can always edit it out.
Ego: No. Doesn’t matter. I don’t want the footage to exist. B, you good? Oh, she’s good. Continue.
Beyonce: [her hair is all messed up] I’m alright. I’m alright. Proceed.
Sean: Okay. Can you talk about the origin of this ‘now iconic’ move?
Beyonce: I forget.
Sean: Oh really? You don’t remember where it came from at all?
Beyonce: Dude, it’s taking all my concentration to keep from blowing out my pants on you Junkie ass show.
Sean: Okay. So, you need to stop?
Beyonce: Beyonce don’t quit. You have any more sauces out there?
Sean: There are six.
Beyonce: Oh, hell no. Get my agent out here. Tod, shut it down.
[Agents walk in shutting down the show]
Agent: Okay, folks. This never happened. Yeah? I need all footage and audio files destroyed. If you leave here without signing an NDA, you will be shot. Okay?
