Kyle and Friends

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Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Kyle walking by the empty streets]

Kyle: So, it’s been a year of this. We have missed out on so much. It just made me think a lot about the relationships I have. Specially here at SNL. So, maybe it’s time I put myself out there a little more.

[Kyle knocking Michael Che’s door]

Michael: [opening the door] What’s up pal?

Kyle: Hey, Che. Thanks for getting the door.

Michael: Yeah.

Kyle: First off, I just want to say sorry if I’ve been like, awkward for the past seven and half years.

Michael: Oh, no. I mean, we’re fine.

Kyle: Ah, cool. And sometimes I feel like I make you and everyone here uncomfortable.

Michael: Um, no. You cool.

Kyle: Well, anyway, you’re so dope. Update’s amazing. And you and Jost are the perfect team.

Michael: Thanks man. I appreciate that.

Kyle: Do you like me?

Michael: What? Yeah, sure.

Kyle: You do? Alright. Thanks, Che. [talking to the camera] Looks like I got my first friend at SNL.

[Kyle walks to Bowen Yang at the dressing room]

Bowen, dude, you are killing it on the show. All the wigs and crazy ass voices.

Bowen: Thanks, Kyle.

Kyle: Quick question. Do you think I’m a loser?

Bowen: No.

Kyle: What? Dang! It’s going down!

[Kyle slaps Bowen’s butt]

Bowen: Kyle?

Kyle: Sorry about that. [celebrating]

Alright, this is amazing. Like dude, I have two friends now. But why stop there? What do you say we cue that rock music?

[Kyle walks to Mikey day and Ego Nwodim]

Hey, hey, the crew. Wad up, players? Got some like, dumb random gifts for you guys coz that’s kind of who I be. Mikey, I remember you mentioning you had a son. I thought you’d dig this.

[Kyle passes Mikey a toy]

Mikey: Oh. I mean, he’s eight. But…

Kyle: Do you remember our characters from the game night sketch with Daniel Craig, Eric and Lisa?

Ego: I don’t think we had names.

Kyle: I made about 100 t-shirts. [Kyle shows Ego a t-shirt. It has a print of them from the sketch.] One’s for you and the rest are for your family.  So anyway, I got that rum that Lil’ Wayne gave us three years ago. Kind of having a little Valentine’s day kickback. Not romantic or nothing. Just the homies.

[Kyle slaps on Mikey’s butt and jumps to slap on Ego’s butt.]

Ego: Don’t spank me.

Kyle: There you go. Alright, see you guys at eight.

[Kyle knocks on a door and opens it]

Hello, Lorne?

Lorne: Kyle, go away.

Kyle: You know the deal. Lil’ Wayne rum. Valentine’s hang.

Lorne: I don’t like you.

Kyle: Sure, Lorne. [closes the door] Oh, I got a work to do.

[Kyle decorates his place for Valentine’s party. No one has showed up.]

I guess rehearsal is going on long. No worries.

[Regina King knocks and enters]

Regina: Hey, Kyle.

Kyle: Hah! Hey. When the host comes to party, you know it’s on.

Regina: Actually, I came because some of the cast members, they’re telling me you’re making them feel pretty uncomfortable. Putting them on the spot, asking them if they like you, spanking them. Look, I like you, Kyle. But if you don’t want to be a loser, you’re going to have to stop acting like one. Make sense?

Kyle: Sure. Hey Regina, have a good show. [Regina walks out] And break a leg.

[Cut to Regina and Ego talking at the hallway.]

Regina: Yeah, it was sad. Did you get one of these Valentine’s goodie bags?

Ego: Yeah. SNL playing cards.

[Kyle is paying someone to break Regina’s leg. The man runs to Regina and hits her leg.]

Regina: Ah!

Ego: Regina, are you okay?

Regina: Why? Why?

Kyle: [running to Regina] Oh no. I guess I’ll have to host. And as you know, everybody wants to be friends with the host.

Regina: Wait a minute. Yeah. I think I’m going to be okay.

Kyle: Well, I’m [bleep]. I guess it’s my turn to get spanked. [Kyle opens his pants and gets ready to get spanked.]

Ego: Oh, Kyle!

Regina: [looking away] Um-umm. Um-umm.

Kyle: Sorry.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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