Kyle Mooney
[Starts with Kyle walking by the empty streets]
Kyle: So, it’s been a year of this. We have missed out on so much. It just made me think a lot about the relationships I have. Specially here at SNL. So, maybe it’s time I put myself out there a little more.
[Kyle knocking Michael Che’s door]
Michael: [opening the door] What’s up pal?
Kyle: Hey, Che. Thanks for getting the door.
Michael: Yeah.
Kyle: First off, I just want to say sorry if I’ve been like, awkward for the past seven and half years.
Michael: Oh, no. I mean, we’re fine.
Kyle: Ah, cool. And sometimes I feel like I make you and everyone here uncomfortable.
Michael: Um, no. You cool.
Kyle: Well, anyway, you’re so dope. Update’s amazing. And you and Jost are the perfect team.
Michael: Thanks man. I appreciate that.
Kyle: Do you like me?
Michael: What? Yeah, sure.
Kyle: You do? Alright. Thanks, Che. [talking to the camera] Looks like I got my first friend at SNL.
[Kyle walks to Bowen Yang at the dressing room]
Bowen, dude, you are killing it on the show. All the wigs and crazy ass voices.
Bowen: Thanks, Kyle.
Kyle: Quick question. Do you think I’m a loser?
Bowen: No.
Kyle: What? Dang! It’s going down!
[Kyle slaps Bowen’s butt]
Bowen: Kyle?
Kyle: Sorry about that. [celebrating]
Alright, this is amazing. Like dude, I have two friends now. But why stop there? What do you say we cue that rock music?
[Kyle walks to Mikey day and Ego Nwodim]
Hey, hey, the crew. Wad up, players? Got some like, dumb random gifts for you guys coz that’s kind of who I be. Mikey, I remember you mentioning you had a son. I thought you’d dig this.
[Kyle passes Mikey a toy]
Mikey: Oh. I mean, he’s eight. But…
Kyle: Do you remember our characters from the game night sketch with Daniel Craig, Eric and Lisa?
Ego: I don’t think we had names.
Kyle: I made about 100 t-shirts. [Kyle shows Ego a t-shirt. It has a print of them from the sketch.] One’s for you and the rest are for your family. So anyway, I got that rum that Lil’ Wayne gave us three years ago. Kind of having a little Valentine’s day kickback. Not romantic or nothing. Just the homies.
[Kyle slaps on Mikey’s butt and jumps to slap on Ego’s butt.]
Ego: Don’t spank me.
Kyle: There you go. Alright, see you guys at eight.
[Kyle knocks on a door and opens it]
Hello, Lorne?
Lorne: Kyle, go away.
Kyle: You know the deal. Lil’ Wayne rum. Valentine’s hang.
Lorne: I don’t like you.
Kyle: Sure, Lorne. [closes the door] Oh, I got a work to do.
[Kyle decorates his place for Valentine’s party. No one has showed up.]
I guess rehearsal is going on long. No worries.
[Regina King knocks and enters]
Regina: Hey, Kyle.
Kyle: Hah! Hey. When the host comes to party, you know it’s on.
Regina: Actually, I came because some of the cast members, they’re telling me you’re making them feel pretty uncomfortable. Putting them on the spot, asking them if they like you, spanking them. Look, I like you, Kyle. But if you don’t want to be a loser, you’re going to have to stop acting like one. Make sense?
Kyle: Sure. Hey Regina, have a good show. [Regina walks out] And break a leg.
[Cut to Regina and Ego talking at the hallway.]
Regina: Yeah, it was sad. Did you get one of these Valentine’s goodie bags?
Ego: Yeah. SNL playing cards.
[Kyle is paying someone to break Regina’s leg. The man runs to Regina and hits her leg.]
Regina: Ah!
Ego: Regina, are you okay?
Regina: Why? Why?
Kyle: [running to Regina] Oh no. I guess I’ll have to host. And as you know, everybody wants to be friends with the host.
Regina: Wait a minute. Yeah. I think I’m going to be okay.
Kyle: Well, I’m [bleep]. I guess it’s my turn to get spanked. [Kyle opens his pants and gets ready to get spanked.]
Ego: Oh, Kyle!
Regina: [looking away] Um-umm. Um-umm.
Kyle: Sorry.
