L’Eggs

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Heidi Gardner

Blaze… Kyle Mooney

Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Jenny… Carey Mulligan

[starts with four friends sitting in a canteen at school]

Heidi: Damn, I couldn’t wait for algebra to end.

Blaze: Me neither. I was dying to meet up with my beat buddies.

Andrew: Hell, yeah. So, what do you guys think? Is there after school rap group commence?

Ego: Okay. Definitely. You know I love to freestyle rap. Blaze, you on the beat?

Blaze: You know it. Let’s go.

[Blaze stands and starts beatboxing]

Ego: [rapping] Waking up rolling out of bed
my mom calls me a sleepyhead

Andrew: No cigarettes, I do not smoke
but if you got weed, I’ll have a toke

[Aidy and Jenny walk in]

Aidy: Legs looking smooth while I do my groceries,
silky and svelte in my brand new hosiery.

Heidi: Um, sorry. Who are you guys?

Aidy: Yeah, who are you guys?

Ego: I think she’s talking about you two.

Jenny: Us? We’re your female teen peers.

Aidy: Yes. Fellow students who learn.

Ego: How old are you?

Aidy: Well, we’re nine, like you.

Jenny: How old are you guys?

Heidi: We’re 15.

Aidy: Well, so are we. We’re post puberty but we can’t yet join the military.

Andrew: Did you say nine? You think we’re nine?

Jenny: Hey, gang. Next order of business, what brand of soothing pantyhose does the the rap team wear?

Aidy: Hey, that’s what I was wondering too, Jenny. I mean, I can’t get on stage if I’m plagued by worry about unsightly leg veins, am I right girlfriends?

Jenny: I can completely agree. My pantyhose color is sun-tan beige.

Aidy: And mine is chicken tender nude.

Heidi: Well, we don’t really wear pantyhose.

Blaze: Yeah. We just have these t-shirts and, like, jeans.

Ego: Okay. Are we ‘after school rap’ team or ‘talking about tights’ team? Come on, Blaze.

[Blaze starts beatboxing]

Andrew: [rapping] Never do my chores and never do a dish
throw the basketball it goes swish

Jenny: Praying for some good legs on my rosary
complete leg support with L’Eggs brand hosiery.

Heidi: Okay, why do you two keep bringing up hosiery?

Aidy: Okay, we confess. We are sales representatives for L’Eggs brand hosiery. You see, they come in these big eggs that are not bio-degradable. Cool, right?

Jenny: You are voted by your peers as the students who are most likely to wear pantyhose.

Aidy: Yeah. You could put hosiery hot on the market again.

Ego: No offense. But I don’t even know what hosiery is? Is it for grandmas?

Jenny: No. It’s for beautiful women who graduated college [Aidy pulls in a screen with their commercial] and are working a job and hopes that the boss will ask her handed marriage. Here we have a simple powerpoint presentation to explain.

Aidy: Yes. [There’s a picture of legs on the screen] Ew, look at those disgusting legs. I mean, I can see every shadow and curve of the toes.

Jenny: That’s not cool. That sucks. I want my legs to look like beige sheer column. For the low, low price of $8 for a pack of 24.

Ego: That is a good deal.

Aidy: It just is. And you aren’t the only one who thought that.

Jenny: In the 80s and 90s, everyone wanted hairless elegant legs with no toenail.

Heidi: Damn, that’s cool.

Aidy: Yeah, I sure relate to you there sister. But then came the nightmare whore trends of the early 2000s. [Pictures of Christina Agulera and Britney Spears on the screen] X-Tina and Ms. Pears wore raw legs and toe rings. They didn’t know that they were missing out on this. [Aidy shows off her own legs]

Jenny: My favorite are the L’Eggs made memory yarn. I love them. Just take a look at these. [Jenny shoes off her own legs]

Blaze: Damn. I’m not gonna lie, those legs look good.

Andrew: I love how L’Eggs leaves something to the imagination.

Jenny: Yes. That’s right, boys. So, what do you say, students? Do you have what it takes to become Brand Ambassadors for L’Eggs?

Heidi: We want to but we don’t know how.

Jenny: It’s easy.

Aidy: All you have to do is this.

[Aidy and Jenny start showing off their legs again.]

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