Doctor… Alex Moffatt
Husband… Beck Bennett
Rex… Kate McKinnon[Starts with a man bringing his wife to a doctor. It looks like an ancient village.]
Doctor: Come in, sir.
Husband: Thank you, doctor. It’s my wife.
Doctor: What’s wrong with her?
Husband: She is a bummer.
Female voice: In the 19th century dark, cold, seaside town comes the story of an unlikely connection.[the doctor uses stethoscope on the wife]
Doctor: She’s medically upset.
Husband: What can we do, doctor?
Doctor: She needs seagull sound, gray hair and long rocky walks.
Husband: I’ll see you in two months.
Carey: You’re leaving me?
Husband: Yes. With her. [there’s a lady there]
Heidi: I’m your female companion.
Female voice: From the makers of “Portrait of a lady on fire” and “Ammonite”, comes a new award-winning film, “Lesbian Period Drama”. Another film that isn’t afraid to ask – will these lesbians be lesbians together?[Carey and Heidi walk pass by both holding candles in their hands]
Female voice: Starring two straight actresses who dared not to wear make up. Twelve lines of dialog. Two and half hour run time.
Heidi: Put the rocks in the basket. Grey ones are best.
Carey: I’m scared of water.
Heidi: This is why I pick rocks alone.
Female voice: Featuring Academy Award-winning glance choreography, and best supporting actress nominee, The Wind. And the one actual lesbian actress as stone cold ex.
Rex: [to Carey] Hey, I’m Rex. Nice to meet you. Excuse me. Oh, yes. We were together for two years. The sex was so bad, we broke up, even though there’s not another lesbian for five full countries.
Female voice: “Sure”, says Lesbian Monthly, “I mean, I’m gonna see it.”
Rex: Let me guess. She took you to pick up rocks? Guess where she learned that one?
Heidi: That will be enough.
Female voice: Witness the world’s saddest flirting.[Carey and Heidi are laying on the bed facing each other]
Carey: My mother and father died before I was born.
Heidi: Mine too.
Female voice: And watch heated anticipation as they round all the bases, like grazing fingers, washing carrots and fast aggressive this. Sinnerview says, “I saw their nude backs which made me the fronts, which is where the boobs are.” And of course, there’s a drawing scene.
Heidi: May I draw you?
Carey: Yes. May I draw you?
Rex: And may I draw you drawing her?
Female voice: Two hours of excruciating tension, all building up to a sex scene so graphic, you’ll think, “Oh, right. A man directed this.”
Rex: Hey, gals. It’s 1840. That’s been invented yet. You’re going to crack the head board.
Female voice: Lesbian Period Drama. You get one a year. Make the most of it.