Lingerie Store

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Aidy Bryant

Anya Taylor-Joy

Heidi Gardner

Frank… Beck Bennett

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Aidy and Anya speaking.]

Aidy: Big…

Anya: Breasts…

Aidy: Heavy…

Anya: Breasts…

Aidy: And every set of breasts needs…

Both: A brar.

Aidy: Are your watermelon sized bosoms doing the most?

Anya: Does your cup runneth over and onto the floor?

Aidy: Then come, get yourself a brar at Enid & Astrid’s Brawr Barn.

Anya: Located on avenue E & Jill Zarin blvd.

Aidy: Now, “What exactly is a brar?”, you ask. Well, bras are for boobies but brars are for breasts.

Anya: And if you don’t know about the store like this, good for you. Enjoy being able to jog.

Aidy: Yeah, we offer dazzling brar designs like these, [showing the brar] The Fortress. Goes so high, it’s a turtle neck. Strapped so wide, they could be jeans.

Anya: [showing another brar] The Straight Jacket. This brar comes with a patented five clasp enclosure.

Aidy: Yeah, which means if man’s taking it off, he’s going to need the jaws of life.

Anya: Or try the Load-Bearing Wall, made of miniature 2×4. It’s not an undergarment. It’s scaffolding.

Aidy: Yet designed by the same guys that unstuck the boat from the sewer’s canal.

[Heidi walks in]

Heidi: Hi, I need to buy a bra. I think I’m a 32.

Aidy: No, you’re not, honey.

Anya: No woman knows her brar size.

Aidy: Only we know. So, let me fit you. [Aidy starts touching Heidi’s breasts] Hmm. Okay. Okay. Cough. [Heidi coughs] Okay. Yes, so you’re a 28-Q. You have a difficult relationship with your mother and [taps her breasts] you’re pregnant.

Heidi: What?

Aidy: It’s a boy.

Heidi: How do you know that?

Anya: She just knows. Enjoy your bra.

Aidy: [pulls out a brar] We’re out of bag so you’re gonna just hold it loose, alright?

Heidi: Okay, thank you.

[Heidi leaves]

Aidy: Look, this is not a sexy store for froo-froo lingerie.

Anya: No. No one has ever had a sexual feeling in this store.

Aidy: This is a medical experience. We are one step away from a hospital.

Anya: And we even make some of our bras in house. Get out, you Frank.

[a guy with a welding machine and construction gear on comes in. He is carrying a metal brar in his hand.]]

Frank: Hey, how are you doing?

Aidy: Well, this is my husband. He’s in construction. He makes prisons.

Anya: And he also works here.

Frank: Each of these brars are built to last. Under wires from pure Pittsburgh steel. Brars so big, you can pour a cup of hot soup in and not spill a drop.

Aidy: In the summer! I have made paninis under my bra.

Frank: And to clean it, just hang in out the window of a car wash once a year.

Aidy: Alright, get back to work, Frank.

Frank: Alright. Bye, girls. Love you.

Anya: Who needs these bras? We do. That’s why it’s important that we create bras for every size and shape. Shape like Denny’s grand slam.

Aidy: Rorschach Test.

Anya: Wind Sock.

Aidy: Chicago Style. And of course, Penn & Teller.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Hi, I need a bra.

Aidy: Oh, you don’t, sweetie.

Anya: Move along, sweetie. No.

Aidy: You need a tank top, hun. This is not a place for you.

Chloe: Do you sell bralettes?

Aidy: Oh yeah, I can wear a bralette once at my cristening.

Chloe: Fine, I’ll just go to Victoria Secret, I guess.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Well, I know Victoria Secret, and it’s that she’s too intimidated to help me.

Anya: So, come on down to Astrid & Enid’s Brar Barn.

Aidy: Now, the signage is unclear. Know that.

Anya: And our store front is a bunch of fur coats. Ignore that.

Aidy: Now, you’re going to go up the stairs and you’re going to be like, “Is this apartments?” Ignore that.

Anya: And we don’t accept credit cards. We prefer personal checks and coins.

Aidy: Well, alright. Let’s do the song.

Anya: Alright.

[music playing]

Both: [singing] Big ones, bigger ones, the biggest of all

they’re brars!

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