Making Man

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Mikey Day

Zachariah… Beck Bennett

Isaiah… Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

Anya Taylor-Joy

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Zelda… Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Jesus… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with celestials designing human man in heaven. There’s a human man design. It has long hair, mustache and beard and hair all over his body.]

Mikey: Okay, so I just spoke with god and he’s ready to see our design for human man.

Zachariah: Nice.

Mikey: But he wants the team working on human woman to take a look first. So, what’s left to do here? Zachariah, where did you guys land on hair for a human man.

Zachariah: We’re putting it pretty much everywhere.

Mikey: Alright. You still want to put hair in the butt crack?

Zachariah: We like to try it. Yeah.

Mikey: Okay. Just be prepared to defend that choice to god because he will bring that up.

[Team working on human woman walk in]

Anya: Hey. We’re the human woman team. God said we should stop by. [looking at the human man model] Is this human man?

Mikey: Yeah. Come on in. Take a look. I think you’ll like what you see.

Ego: Hmm, okay. And is this final?

Mikey: Well, it’s not done done yet, but…

Ego: Yeah, good.

Aidy: Yeah. It’s interesting. I mean, I see it with one huge toe instead of five.

[the human man design had only one huge thumbs on his feet.]

Mikey: Well, like I said, this isn’t final.

Zelda: I think it’s cool.

Aidy: Zelda, don’t.

Kate: It’s got a lot of hair. Human woman doesn’t have nearly this much.

Zachariah: And human woman is going to be cold all the time. Watch.

Anya: By the way, I don’t know if you guys have heard but we have figured out how to have human woman make food for the baby.

Isaiah: Liar!

Mikey: Isaiah, please. I’m sorry, which part makes the baby’s food?

Anya: Oh yes. The two bumps on the chest. The name might change but right now we’re calling them squeezies.

Kate: Yeah. The squeezies make the milk and it comes out of the nipples.

Ego: May I ask what the nipples on human man do?

Isaiah: That’s an excellent question. The nipples are to create the illusion of a giant face to scare of predators.

Zelda: Cool. That’s really smart.

Aidy: Zelda, that’s enough.

Kate: Sorry, the nipples are the eyes and the mouth is what? The little hole there?

Isaiah: Obviously.

Ego: Okay, you know, maybe human man’s nipples could product milk too. I mean, that would be very–

Isaiah: [angry] They are there to create the illusion of a giant face. I mean they’re giving notes now?

Anya: No. It’s good. But sorry, what’s going on here? Are these reproductive organs?

Mikey: Yup. The dangler and the wrinkle pouch.

Ego: And is that final?

Mikey: Name might change. But we think god will dig the design. As you can see, the dangler uses three different colors of skin. And it can grow and shrink.

Zelda: Wow, that’s fun. Can we see it grow?

Aidy: Okay, Zelda, go wait outside. Go.

Anya: Now, what happens when human man runs. Does the dangler retract? Or…

Zachariah: That’s cute. No. It bounces around and smacks into his legs.

Kate: Won’t that hurt?

Mikey: No, the dangler’s extremely tough. He can squeeze it as hard as he wants. It will be fine.

Ego: And what about the wrinkle pouch?

Isaiah: Oh, that’s extremely sensitive. If you flick it, he will fall over and vomit.

Chris: That was my idea.

Isaiah: Yes, it was.

Kate: Okay. And this contraption can make the sperm needed to fertilize human woman’s eggs?

Mikey: I don’t know. It only makes about a billion a day.

Anya: A billion? What happens if they build up in the wrinkle pouch?

Mikey: Isaiah, you want to take that one?

Isaiah: He gets stupid and goes crazy.

Chris: That was my idea.

Isaiah: Yeah, it was.

Anya: Well, I guess this will have to do. Thanks fellas.

[walking away]

Aidy: What were they thinking?

Ego: Girl, they weren’t.

Mikey: Okay, don’t spin out, guys. We’re fine. Maybe we do five toes instead of one, but otherwise, I think we’re golden.

[Jesus walks in]

Jesus: Oh, the dudes.

Isaiah: Hey, what’s up, Jesus?

Jesus: What if I chill here? I feel like people avoid me because I’m god’s son or whatever. But I’m actually a pretty laid back guy.

Mikey: We’re really busy, Jesus.

Jesus: Oh, good. I’m actually supposed to meet some homies right now. I’ll get out of here.

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