Minnesota News Cold Open

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Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Kate McKinnon

Craig… Alex Moffat

Calvin… Chris Redd

[Starts with “Eye On Minnesota” intro] [cheers and applause] [Cut to the set. There are four hosts. Kenan and Ego are black, Kate and Craig are white.]

Kenan: Good afternoon and welcome to KDBD mid-day news, “Eye One Minnesota”.

Ego: It’s been a tough week for news. There’s so much to get into. But first, we start with the trial of Derek Chauvin.

Kate: Yes. I just want to say this has been highly emotional for everybody, I’m sure.

Ego: Definitely. I mean, watching this trial brought back so many bad feelings from last summer.

Kenan: I know. I felt myself getting angry all over again.

Craig: Absolutely.

Kate: Well, I thought the prosecution did an excellent job questioning the medical examiner.

Ego: He sure did.

Kenan: Yup.

Craig: But the video footage alone should tell you everything you need to know about what happened.

Kenan: Kenan00%

Ego: No doubt about it.

Craig: Okay. And hopefully, justice will be served.

Kenan: That’d be nice.

Kate: Sounds like we all agree. There’s no way Derek Chauvin walks away from this.

Kenan: Well…

Ego: I’m not going to say that.

Craig: Wait a second. You guys aren’t buying into Chauvin’s defense, are you?

Kenan: Of course, not.

Ego: I mean, the defense trying to make a case that George Floyd’s drug use was somehow responsible is just deplorable.

Kenan: It was a clear act of desperation to create doubt where there is none.

Kate: Exactly. And there’s no way that juries are going to fall for that.

Kenan: I’m not saying that.

Craig: Well, wait. So, what are you guys trying to say?

Kenan: Look, y’all seem like good people.

Ego: Let’s just say we’ve seen this movie before.

Kenan: Boom.

Kate: You know what? That’s fair. I think skepticism of the legal process is valid.

Kenan: Yes.

Ego: That’s all we’re saying.

Kate: Yes. Historically, police have gotten away in other cases like this.

Kenan: Historically?

Ego: She means every single time.

Kenan: Oh. That.

Kate: But after all the protests that happened last summer, there’s no way this doesn’t go the way we hope.

Kenan: She means well. She means well.

Ego: I don’t know what she is talking about.

Craig: Okay, hang on. You guys are going to at least admit this country has made a lot of progress recently, yes?

Kenan: For who?

Ego: When?

Kate: Maybe don’t go there?

Craig: Okay.

Kenan: No, no, no. Please. Go there, Craig.

Ego: Yes. I do want to hear what Craig Jorgensen has to say about the black experience.

Craig: Okay. Look, I want to choose my words carefully here. So, to quote Thomas Jefferson–

Kenan: Uh-uh!

Ego: Did he just say Thomas Jefferson?

Kenan: That’s a bad start.

Kate: Let’s get another opinion on this.

Craig: Yes. Let’s ask our weather man, Calvin.

Kenan: [yelling] Yes, let’s ask Calvin.

Craig: Calvin.

[Calvin is also black]

Calvin: Man, don’t put me into this mess. I’m still in hot water for being in that Paul Pierce video.

Kate: No, this is important. We want to hear from you.

Calvin: Look, I don’t want to get fired. But obviously it’s an opening shut case.

Craig: Thank you.

Kate: That’s what we were saying.

Craig: Yes.

Calvin: That being said, he’s a white cop in Minnesota, so I’m against probation with pay, tops.

Kenan: You feel me? You feel me?

Ego: Yes, that part. that part.

Kate: Fine. Maybe you’re right, but for the sake of our city, I hope justice is finally served.

Kenan: Agreed.

Ego: I’m with you there.

Craig: Yes. Absolutely.

Kenan: The last thing we want is another riot.

Ego: Amed to that.

Craig: And I think we can all agree that no matter how bad things are, destroying property is never the answer.

Kenan: What?

Ego: I wouldn’t say never.

Kenan: I mean, it’s just property.

Ego: There’s insurance.

Craig: Sorry, but it’s not just property. I mean, I just think protest should be non-violent.

Kenan: Well, thank you for that little note, Craig.

Ego: Yes. We’ll be sure to tell the others, Craig Matthew Jorgensen.

Craig: Okay, that’s not fair.

Ego: Okay. This is getting a little heated. Maybe we should move on.

Kate: I think this is a good dialog.

Craig: I hear it. Yes. This is how we reach in understanding. And you know, at least we agree on the obvious stuff.

Ego: Like there is glaring discrepancy in the way black people are treated by police?

Kate: Of course.

Craig: Can’t deny that.

Kenan: And we need concrete solutions to fix this problem.

Craig: No argument there.

Kate: I’ve been saying this all along.

Ego: Okay. And we start with reparation.

Craig: Now wait, just a minute.

Kate: Interesting.

Kenan: Oh, that was a good try.

Ego: I thought I had them.

Kenan: You know what? Let’s just go to the weather report. Calvin.

Calvin: Sure, man. We’re in Minnesota. So, rest of April, cold. May, cold. June, cold. July, somehow hot as hell. Back to you y’all.

Craig: Thanks, Calvin. Thanks, pal. Okay, so what else is on the news, Joanne?

Kate: Well, more sad news this week. Unfortunately, we lost royalty yesterday.

Kenan: Oh, I’m glad you brought this up.

Ego: The rapper DMX died.

Kate: I’m sorry. I was talking about the prince.

Kenan: The Prince?

Ego: Girl, Prince been dead.

Craig: Sorry, she means prince Phillip of England.

Kenan: Megan Markle’s boyfriend?

Kate: He was married to Queen Elizabeth.

Ego: I don’t know who that is.

Kenan: Yeah, he the king. Is it a king?

Ego: I don’t know.

Kate: There’s got to be one news story we can all agree on?

Craig: What about Matt Gaetz?

Kate: Ah!

All: Awful guy!

Kenan: Nasty as hell.

Calvin: But when you think about it, 17 isn’t that young.

Kenan: No. No, man. See, that’s why you in trouble. That’s why you in trouble, Calvin.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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