Kenan Thompson
Ego Nwodim
Kate McKinnon
Craig… Alex Moffat
Calvin… Chris Redd
[Starts with “Eye On Minnesota” intro]
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to the set. There are four hosts. Kenan and Ego are black, Kate and Craig are white.]
Kenan: Good afternoon and welcome to KDBD mid-day news, “Eye One Minnesota”.
Ego: It’s been a tough week for news. There’s so much to get into. But first, we start with the trial of Derek Chauvin.
Kate: Yes. I just want to say this has been highly emotional for everybody, I’m sure.
Ego: Definitely. I mean, watching this trial brought back so many bad feelings from last summer.
Kenan: I know. I felt myself getting angry all over again.
Craig: Absolutely.
Kate: Well, I thought the prosecution did an excellent job questioning the medical examiner.
Ego: He sure did.
Kenan: Yup.
Craig: But the video footage alone should tell you everything you need to know about what happened.
Kenan: Kenan00%
Ego: No doubt about it.
Craig: Okay. And hopefully, justice will be served.
Kenan: That’d be nice.
Kate: Sounds like we all agree. There’s no way Derek Chauvin walks away from this.
Kenan: Well…
Ego: I’m not going to say that.
Craig: Wait a second. You guys aren’t buying into Chauvin’s defense, are you?
Kenan: Of course, not.
Ego: I mean, the defense trying to make a case that George Floyd’s drug use was somehow responsible is just deplorable.
Kenan: It was a clear act of desperation to create doubt where there is none.
Kate: Exactly. And there’s no way that juries are going to fall for that.
Kenan: I’m not saying that.
Craig: Well, wait. So, what are you guys trying to say?
Kenan: Look, y’all seem like good people.
Ego: Let’s just say we’ve seen this movie before.
Kenan: Boom.
Kate: You know what? That’s fair. I think skepticism of the legal process is valid.
Kenan: Yes.
Ego: That’s all we’re saying.
Kate: Yes. Historically, police have gotten away in other cases like this.
Kenan: Historically?
Ego: She means every single time.
Kenan: Oh. That.
Kate: But after all the protests that happened last summer, there’s no way this doesn’t go the way we hope.
Kenan: She means well. She means well.
Ego: I don’t know what she is talking about.
Craig: Okay, hang on. You guys are going to at least admit this country has made a lot of progress recently, yes?
Kenan: For who?
Ego: When?
Kate: Maybe don’t go there?
Craig: Okay.
Kenan: No, no, no. Please. Go there, Craig.
Ego: Yes. I do want to hear what Craig Jorgensen has to say about the black experience.
Craig: Okay. Look, I want to choose my words carefully here. So, to quote Thomas Jefferson–
Kenan: Uh-uh!
Ego: Did he just say Thomas Jefferson?
Kenan: That’s a bad start.
Kate: Let’s get another opinion on this.
Craig: Yes. Let’s ask our weather man, Calvin.
Kenan: [yelling] Yes, let’s ask Calvin.
Craig: Calvin.
[Calvin is also black]
Calvin: Man, don’t put me into this mess. I’m still in hot water for being in that Paul Pierce video.
Kate: No, this is important. We want to hear from you.
Calvin: Look, I don’t want to get fired. But obviously it’s an opening shut case.
Craig: Thank you.
Kate: That’s what we were saying.
Craig: Yes.
Calvin: That being said, he’s a white cop in Minnesota, so I’m against probation with pay, tops.
Kenan: You feel me? You feel me?
Ego: Yes, that part. that part.
Kate: Fine. Maybe you’re right, but for the sake of our city, I hope justice is finally served.
Kenan: Agreed.
Ego: I’m with you there.
Craig: Yes. Absolutely.
Kenan: The last thing we want is another riot.
Ego: Amed to that.
Craig: And I think we can all agree that no matter how bad things are, destroying property is never the answer.
Kenan: What?
Ego: I wouldn’t say never.
Kenan: I mean, it’s just property.
Ego: There’s insurance.
Craig: Sorry, but it’s not just property. I mean, I just think protest should be non-violent.
Kenan: Well, thank you for that little note, Craig.
Ego: Yes. We’ll be sure to tell the others, Craig Matthew Jorgensen.
Craig: Okay, that’s not fair.
Ego: Okay. This is getting a little heated. Maybe we should move on.
Kate: I think this is a good dialog.
Craig: I hear it. Yes. This is how we reach in understanding. And you know, at least we agree on the obvious stuff.
Ego: Like there is glaring discrepancy in the way black people are treated by police?
Kate: Of course.
Craig: Can’t deny that.
Kenan: And we need concrete solutions to fix this problem.
Craig: No argument there.
Kate: I’ve been saying this all along.
Ego: Okay. And we start with reparation.
Craig: Now wait, just a minute.
Kate: Interesting.
Kenan: Oh, that was a good try.
Ego: I thought I had them.
Kenan: You know what? Let’s just go to the weather report. Calvin.
Calvin: Sure, man. We’re in Minnesota. So, rest of April, cold. May, cold. June, cold. July, somehow hot as hell. Back to you y’all.
Craig: Thanks, Calvin. Thanks, pal. Okay, so what else is on the news, Joanne?
Kate: Well, more sad news this week. Unfortunately, we lost royalty yesterday.
Kenan: Oh, I’m glad you brought this up.
Ego: The rapper DMX died.
Kate: I’m sorry. I was talking about the prince.
Kenan: The Prince?
Ego: Girl, Prince been dead.
Craig: Sorry, she means prince Phillip of England.
Kenan: Megan Markle’s boyfriend?
Kate: He was married to Queen Elizabeth.
Ego: I don’t know who that is.
Kenan: Yeah, he the king. Is it a king?
Ego: I don’t know.
Kate: There’s got to be one news story we can all agree on?
Craig: What about Matt Gaetz?
Kate: Ah!
All: Awful guy!
Kenan: Nasty as hell.
Calvin: But when you think about it, 17 isn’t that young.
Kenan: No. No, man. See, that’s why you in trouble. That’s why you in trouble, Calvin.
All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.
