Harold… Kenan Thompson
Pastor… Jonathan Majors
Carolyn… Ego Nwodim
Corinne… Aidy Bryant
Christine… Melissa Villaseñor
George… Chris Redd
Travis… Kyle Mooney[Starts with Pastor at a church podium]
Harold: You get what you give
and it’s all how you use it
Pastor: Wow. Wow. Thank you, Herold, for that beautiful rendition of god is a DJ by P.
Carolyn: Um-hmm. And it’s our honor and pleasure to welcome you to the first damn Baptist Church.
Pastor: I am Pastor JR Jr. and this is my wife Carolyn. We’re so glad to be with you today.
Carolyn: And it’s so good to see you again, sister Corinne. You’re looking much better.
Corinne: Thank you. I had a facelift.
Pastor: Now, the First Lady and I have an announcement because we have no secrets in this church. Can I get an Amen?
Carolyn: Now, we have shared 24 beautiful years of marriage. And also last year. Can I get an oh no?
All: Oh, no.
Pastor: That’s right. Till death do us part. And since I can’t kill this woman, I have decided that we are going to open up our marriage.
Carolyn: That’s right. Hallelu-we-are open for business.
Pastor: And it’s hard. It’s hard to talk about in front of the congregation, not because it’s wrong, but because we are only romantically interested in some of you.
Carolyn: Those people have already been notified via perfumed invitation. If you did not receive an invitation. I’m sorry, it’s gonna be a no for me, dog.
Harold: Well, what the hell is wrong with me?
Pastor: Harold, I’m sorry. We just don’t see you that way.
Harold: Well, I am shocked.
Christine: I’m excited to maybe date you guys. So how will this work?
Pastor: We’ll be on many apps. For example, Tinder.
Carolyn: Google Earth.
Pastor: Angie’s List.
Carolyn: Coffee Meets Penis.
Pastor: And anyone can invite us to Raya, please do.
Harold: Well, I’m on Raya.
Carolyn: No, you’re not, Harold.
Harold: You right.
George: I have a question. Um, open marriage? Is that what I have?
Pastor: No, George, you are just cheating on your wife.
George: Well, do you think she knows?
Punkie: Well, I do now.
Pastor: If you’re wondering where all this came from, we were talking about our hall passes, and she said hers was Barack Obama.
Carolyn: Then he said his list Travis who sings bass in the church choir.
Pastor: And she said, “You know what? I want to change mine to Travis.”
Travis: Wait. I’m Travis.
Carolyn: Correct. It’s something about you. You’re weird, but in a sexy way.
Travis: Aw. Amen.
Pastor: I’m shocked. You’re also engaged right now because certainly some of us are preaching and I don’t get a “Yes, Pastor”, not a “Amen, Pastor.”
Christine: [wearing her lipstick] Yes, Pastor.
Pastor: Christine. Did you just put on a bunch of lipstick?
Christine: That depends. Do you like it?
Carolyn: Now, what are y’all even doing?
Corinne: [showing her cleavage] Well, my shirt fell down.
George: [showing his stomach] My shirt rolled up.
Carolyn: Alright. Now, y’all just being thirsty.
Pastor: Don’t throw it at us. Why don’t you go around and tell us why you think you should be our first.
Harold: [standing] Alright.
Carolyn: Harold, you wanna sit your ass down.
Pastor: We value your friendship too much.
Harold: I know what that means. Friendzoned by my pastor.
Pastor: You know, actually before y’all answer, why don’t we tell you what we’re into. So, here’s a list of the role plays we enjoy. Doctor-nurse.
Carolyn: Girl dog-boy dog.
Pastor: Baseball manager and umpire in a fight.
Carolyn: Jenna and Hodor.
Corinne: But, do you mean Hoda?
Carolyn: I sure don’t.
Pastor: Now, in terms of lovemaking.
Carolyn: Positions we enjoy include missionary. List is over. You have to know we are pastors.
Harold: You sure? Coz I’ve got these nimble organ fingers.
Carolyn: Harold, shut your ass up. You have one job, play the organ.
Harold: One day I’m gonna walk out that door and you are going to miss this.
Carolyn: No. Alright. Well, we got to go ahead and wrap this up. We’ve got our first date with a nice lady who works at a chicken fillet. And today his holiday off it’s Sunday.
Pastor: Can I get my freak on?
All: Freak on! Amen.