Pelotaunt SNL

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[Starts with people pedaling the exercise cycle]

Trainer: Okay, Palotaunt, let’s go.

Female voice: Only Palotaunt delivers 24/7 non-stop motivation from world class instructors right in your home.

Trainer: You smashed it.

Female voice: But what if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t respond to encouragement?

Trainer: You did this.

Melissa: If I hear the phrase “You can do it”, I literally won’t just to prove a point.

Ego: If anyone yells that I can do one more, I will immediately get off this thing, unplug it and go smoke.

Beck: I cannot be cheer leaded. I know myself.

Female voice: For those people, we introduce Palotaunt. The only exercise bike that provides you with personalized at home negative reinforcement and relentless criticism.

Trainer: Ready to do this?

Melissa: No.

Trainer: I don’t give a [bleep]. I get paid either way. [walks away]

Melissa: Hey, I guess I can do a little bit. Look. Come back.

Female voice: Using patented passive aggression, each Palotaunt instructor will pull from a tool kit of emotional manipulation styles guaranteed to get even the laziest cyclists moving.  Techniques such as snotty disdain.

Trainer: Really nice big t-shirt. Do you wear that to swim?

Beck: No.

Trainer: Well, thanks for wearing it here.

[Beck starts pedaling harder]

Female voice: Insincere praise.

Trainer: Okay, Susan, I know you just had a baby, so go at your own pace.

Susan: What? I didn’t have a baby.

Trainer: Oh, are you sure you didn’t?

Susan: Yeah.

Trainer: Oh, okay. Oh. Maybe one day.

[Susan starts pedaling harder]

Female voice: And avoidant attachment style that will put you in a state of complete co-depenence.

[Two trainers are discussing their own thing while Melissa is pedaling]

Trainer: I was trying to figure out what to do with that.

Melissa: Should I go up a level?

[Trainers ignoring her]

Melissa: If you want to talk to me, I’m right here. Look. Look at me, guys. I’m doing it.

Female voice: No corny inspirational speeches here. Just withering judgement sure to get your heart pumping and your brain thinking, “Am I bad?”

Trainer: Let’s give it up for Mike who’s working out in his garage.

Mike: Oh, no. This is my living room.

Trainer: What?

Mike: I feel mentally broken down, but hey, I can see my abs.

Susan: I hate exercise, but I hate Sarah more.

Trainer: This is you. [mocking Susan]

Female voice: Palotaunt has all the upgraded features that keep you moving out of spite. Features like gaslighting you about how far you’ve gone.

Mike: Hey, it says I did four rides but I did five.

Trainer: No, I think you did four. It’s a computer.

Female voice: Live video of your own ass from behind with an exaggerated fisheye mode.

Mike: Oh god. Is that mine?

Female voice: Constant picture of an elderly woman who’s thousand times better than you.

Melissa: Is there a way to turn her off? She’s kicking my ass.

Female voice: A humiliating sound check that will make you feel stupid.

[funny sound playing]

Trainer: And stop. That was good.

Melissa: It was? [sobbing]

Female voice: Palotaunt. Also available in mom.

Mom: Well, this was a dumb thing to buy. Great job, Mike.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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