Please Dont Destroy

Ben Marshall

Martin Herlihy

John Higgins

[Starts with Martin Herlihy and John Higgins at SNL office in SNL writing night.]

[rock music playing]

Martin Herlihy: Oh, I’m gonna have a drink.

John Higgins: Yes, sir. Watcha sipping on?

Martin Herlihy: Probably just a hard seltzer.

John Higgins: Nice. What kind?

Martin Herlihy: Just a JC Penny.

[John Higgins is surprised]

John Higgins: The department store?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah, they’re doing hard seltzers now.

John Higgins: What?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah. Ever since White Claw blew up, everyone’s doing them. Bud LIght, Corona, JC Penny.

John Higgins: Don’t they just make clothes?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah, I don’t know, man. Okay? I’m not in the board of the company. This is just a thing that I like. [takes a sip]

John Higgins: What flavor is it? [pulls out a can from the pack and reads] Men’s jackets?

Martin Herlihy: It’s not all men’s jackets. It’s a variety pack. I’m sippin’ on belts and ties.

John Higgins: Does it taste like belts and ties?

Martin Herlihy: No, it tastes like grape. You stupid?

Ben Marshall: Ben in the house.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, Ben man.

Ben Marshall: Oh, you drinking JCPs?

Martin Herlihy: You know it!

John Higgins: You know about this?

Ben Marshall: Got some seltzers myself.

John Higgins: Jiffy Lube?

Ben Marshall: Lube it up. Cheers man. Good to see you.

John Higgins: What is going on?

Martin Herlihy: Come on! Everyone’s doing it. JC Penny, Jiffy Lube.

Ben Marshall: Exxon, Verizon.

Martin Herlihy: Dr. Riccardi.

John Higgins: Who?

Martin Herlihy: My dentist. [shows him a can of seltzer with his dentist’s photo on it]

Ben Marshall: That one’s actually really good.

John Higgins: I don’t understand why you like these.

Ben Marshall: You don’t have to understand everything, John.

Martin Herlihy: Yeah, like, we don’t understand what you see in your girlfriend.

John Higgins: What?

Martin Herlihy: We don’t get angry.

Ben Marshall: No, we don’t yell at you.

Martin Herlihy: No.

John Higgins: Am I awake?

Ben Marshall: I also got the summer variety pack.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, nice. This is awesome.

Ben Marshall: That’s for everybody. And John, if you want one, take one.

[Martin Herlihy pours a belt buckle in his mouth while drinking the seltzer.]

Martin Herlihy: Oh! I hate it when these get in there.

Ben Marshall: A belt buckle?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah. JC Penny ones, sometimes they get in there.

John Higgins: Stop slurping like that.

Ben Marshall: Just chill out. Oh, who is this impression of? [mocking] Oh, I’m John.

Martin Herlihy: John.

John Higgins: Me.

Ben Marshall: Yeah, it’s John.

John Higgins: Oh, yeah, that’s cool. Does the [bleep] desk have one?

Martin Herlihy: I don’t know. Really not.

Ben Marshall: I don’t know.

[John Higgins pulls out a can of seltzer out of desk. It’s written ‘DESK’ on it.]

Martin Herlihy: Okay, so yeah. The desk has one.

John Higgins: What is going on?

Ben Marshall: Try one!

John Higgins: Fine!

[John Higgins opens the can and drinks the seltzer.]

That’s pretty goo. Oh my god!

Ben Marshall: Cheers!

Martin Herlihy: Cheers, brother!

John Higgins: I was wrong.

Male voice: DESK Hard Seltzer, it’s in the desk.

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