Ben Marshall
Martin Herlihy
John Higgins
[Starts with Martin Herlihy and John Higgins at SNL office in SNL writing night.]
[rock music playing]
Martin Herlihy: Oh, I’m gonna have a drink.
John Higgins: Yes, sir. Watcha sipping on?
Martin Herlihy: Probably just a hard seltzer.
John Higgins: Nice. What kind?
Martin Herlihy: Just a JC Penny.
[John Higgins is surprised]
John Higgins: The department store?
Martin Herlihy: Yeah, they’re doing hard seltzers now.
John Higgins: What?
Martin Herlihy: Yeah. Ever since White Claw blew up, everyone’s doing them. Bud LIght, Corona, JC Penny.
John Higgins: Don’t they just make clothes?
Martin Herlihy: Yeah, I don’t know, man. Okay? I’m not in the board of the company. This is just a thing that I like. [takes a sip]
John Higgins: What flavor is it? [pulls out a can from the pack and reads] Men’s jackets?
Martin Herlihy: It’s not all men’s jackets. It’s a variety pack. I’m sippin’ on belts and ties.
John Higgins: Does it taste like belts and ties?
Martin Herlihy: No, it tastes like grape. You stupid?
Ben Marshall: Ben in the house.
Martin Herlihy: Oh, Ben man.
Ben Marshall: Oh, you drinking JCPs?
Martin Herlihy: You know it!
John Higgins: You know about this?
Ben Marshall: Got some seltzers myself.
John Higgins: Jiffy Lube?
Ben Marshall: Lube it up. Cheers man. Good to see you.
John Higgins: What is going on?
Martin Herlihy: Come on! Everyone’s doing it. JC Penny, Jiffy Lube.
Ben Marshall: Exxon, Verizon.
Martin Herlihy: Dr. Riccardi.
John Higgins: Who?
Martin Herlihy: My dentist. [shows him a can of seltzer with his dentist’s photo on it]
Ben Marshall: That one’s actually really good.
John Higgins: I don’t understand why you like these.
Ben Marshall: You don’t have to understand everything, John.
Martin Herlihy: Yeah, like, we don’t understand what you see in your girlfriend.
John Higgins: What?
Martin Herlihy: We don’t get angry.
Ben Marshall: No, we don’t yell at you.
Martin Herlihy: No.
John Higgins: Am I awake?
Ben Marshall: I also got the summer variety pack.
Martin Herlihy: Oh, nice. This is awesome.
Ben Marshall: That’s for everybody. And John, if you want one, take one.
[Martin Herlihy pours a belt buckle in his mouth while drinking the seltzer.]
Martin Herlihy: Oh! I hate it when these get in there.
Ben Marshall: A belt buckle?
Martin Herlihy: Yeah. JC Penny ones, sometimes they get in there.
John Higgins: Stop slurping like that.
Ben Marshall: Just chill out. Oh, who is this impression of? [mocking] Oh, I’m John.
Martin Herlihy: John.
John Higgins: Me.
Ben Marshall: Yeah, it’s John.
John Higgins: Oh, yeah, that’s cool. Does the [bleep] desk have one?
Martin Herlihy: I don’t know. Really not.
Ben Marshall: I don’t know.
[John Higgins pulls out a can of seltzer out of desk. It’s written ‘DESK’ on it.]
Martin Herlihy: Okay, so yeah. The desk has one.
John Higgins: What is going on?
Ben Marshall: Try one!
John Higgins: Fine!
[John Higgins opens the can and drinks the seltzer.]
That’s pretty goo. Oh my god!
Ben Marshall: Cheers!
Martin Herlihy: Cheers, brother!
John Higgins: I was wrong.
Male voice: DESK Hard Seltzer, it’s in the desk.