PostCOVID Dating

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Kate McKinnon

Guy piano… Andrew Dismukes

Nick Jonas

[Starts with Suzane watching Guy piano playing piano]

Suzane: You play wonderful.

Guy piano: Thank you.

[Suzane pulls out some money from piano collection jar and walks to the bar]

Suzane: Bartender, I’ll take one more if you don’t mind and don’t be stingy with the scotch.

John: [sitting at the bar] Well, hello. I didn’t see you there.

Suzane: You still don’t. You’re looking the wrong way. I’m over here.

John: Oh, I see. There you are. I must have been looking at your reflection in that mirror over there.

Suzane: That’s not a mirror. That’s a painting of a lion with an explorer’s head in it’s mouth.

John: Ah! So it is. You’ll have to forgive me. This is my first time I’ve been out of the house since lockdown.

Suzane: Oh. Same for me. I’m not used to being out in public and I’m definitely not used to flirting with handsome men.

John: Maybe you should give it a try.

Suzane: Alright. How’s this? There are mights in your pillows and if you sleep with your mouth open, I’ll go right in there. That wasn’t good. I’m sorry.

John: No, I thought it was cute.

Suzane: Why don’t you try pickup line on me?

John: Okay. Here’s one. You have beautiful eyes but they’ll look better on my floor.

Suzane: I don’t think you said that right. Um, maybe just try making a flirty face.

John: Like this? [making funny face]

Suzane: Wow. That’s magic. Speaking of magic, would you like to see a little trick as an ice breaker?

John: I insist.

Suzane: Okay. I haven’t done this since before quarantine. So, hope I still can. Now, keep your eye on the cherry stem, alright? [puts the stem in her breasts and pulls out with small flower] I did it.

John: Wow, where did you learn that?

Suzane: Hogwarts. Kidding. Prison. Kidding. Prison. I’ve been to prison a bunch. That’s where I got these tattoos. [showing tattoos on her fists. One hand has “LOVE” and another hand has “HAT”]

John: Ah! Ran out of money before you could get to ‘E’?

Suzane: No, I just love hats. How about you? Do you know any tricks?

John: Oh no. Well, I know one. But it’s dumb.

Suzane: Oh, no, no. Show me. I want to see it. If the trick is anything like you, it must be very handsome.

John: Well, okay. Watch closely. [opens his jacket, and there’s a cat inside] That’s stupid, I didn’t even do it right.

Suzane: Oh, no. I loved it. Bartender, could we get a bowl of milk please?

Bartender: Oh, yes. Right away.

Suzane: Thank you so much. Wow. Great. [Suzane takes the bowl and drinks it herself] I like you

John: I like you. Would you care to dance?

Suzane: I thought you’d never ask.

[Suzane stands and starts dancing]

John: No, I mean with me.

Suzane: Oh. [laughing] I don’t know. It’s been so long since I’ve done anything like that. What song would we dance to?

John: Hey, piano guy!

Guy piano: My name is Guy Piano!

John: Sorry, Mr. Piano. Do you know a good song for dancing with a beautiful stranger?

Guy piano: It’s been a while since I’ve taken request. But how about this? [starts playing piano]

Suzane: Take me up at ball game. Perfect.

John: Shall we?

Suzane: Let’s go slow, okay? [Suzane and John start dancing] I’ve been hurt before. I walked into a sliding glass door.

John: Remember when they would play this at ball games?

Suzane: It’s been so long. I wonder if we remember the words.

John: [singing] Take me out to the ball game

Suzane: Put me out in the snow

Suzane and John: Buy me some peanuts and hacky snacks

John: I wonder what this thing is in on your back

Suzane and John: And it’s one, two, three, four, five, six
and that’s how numbers work

Suzane: Hey, do you think things will go back to normal? Will this beautiful bitch of a city ever be what it once was?

John: It will. I know it will. Do you believe me?

Suzane: I do. And I think I’ve fallen in love with you.

John: And I just realized I don’t even know your name.

Suzane: Ah! Suzane Johnson.

John: Hm. That’s a beautiful name.

Suzane: What’s your’s?

John: John Suzanson.

Suzane: Wow. I guess it’s fate

John: I guess it is.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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